Article 51180 of comp.sys.amiga: Path: jhunix!barrett From: barrett@jhunix.HCF.JHU.EDU (Dan Barrett) Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga Subject: The ONLY way to get RAW, UNBRIDLED SPEED in an Amiga program Keywords: C, assembly, Elvis, prongs Message-ID: <7077@jhunix.HCF.JHU.EDU> Date: 7 Dec 90 17:18:14 GMT Organization: The Johns Hopkins University - HCF Lines: 79 Some folks wrote about: >Subject: Re: Assembler Programming - Costs versus Benefits >Subject: Re: Awesome! Now I am Pi**ed! >Basically, writing a portable program blah blah blah... You people in comp.sys.amiga just don't know what you are TALKING about! It is TOTALLY OBVIOUS to me that NONE of you have EVER WRITTEN a computer program. If you want to see RAW SPEED in an Amiga game, you MUST check out **** B L A Z E M O N G E R **** THIS IS THE FASTEST AMIGA GAME EVER WRITTEN -- NOTHING ELSE EVEN COMES CLOSE! Tired of TURRICAN? Is the BEAST a pussycat?? Does the KILLING GAME SHOW play like RERUNS of HOME SHOPPING NETWORK??? GET A LIFE!!!!! BLAZEMONGER animates at 200 FRAMES PER SECOND -- so blindingly FAST that you need TWO MONITORS just to WATCH THE INTRO!!! Forget C! Forget ASSEMBLER! Forget all those SLOW, WIMPY LANGUAGES!! BLAZEMONGER is written in 100% CRAY YMP MACHINE CODE for the ULTIMATE in SPEED!!! BLAZEMONGER goes DIRECTLY to the AMIGA HARDWARE for unmatched performance. While BLAZEMONGER is being played, warm boots (ctrl-A-A) have ABSOLUTELY NO EFFECT. In fact, you literally CANNOT TURN OFF THE AMIGA because BLAZEMONGER takes over the power switch!! (How's THAT for a safety feature??) At the same time, BLAZEMONGER sends thousands of volts through your power cable, SOLDERING IT TO THE WALL OUTLET, assuring that UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES can you EVER accidentally stop this game. Copy protected? You BET!! BLAZEMONGER uses disk protection, dongle protection, "look up the word in the manual" protection, "look up the word in the DICTIONARY" protection (Webster's 4th edition), 40-number YALE COMBINATION LOCK protection, and an impenetrable TEFLON COATING around the entire disk!!! And for your added safety, your high scores are written to the super-protected MASTER DISK, so the pesky scores CANNOT ESCAPE and post themselves to THOUSANDS OF BULLETIN BOARDS, bragging about their MAGNITUDE! Multitasking? WHO NEEDS IT?!? BLAZEMONGER is SO AMAZINGLY FAST that it takes LESS TIME to COLD BOOT on our custom OS than it does to SWITCH SCREENS!! In the time it takes you to run a stupid "clock" program in the background, you can play FIVE FULL GAMES of BLAZEMONGER!! YOU DON'T NEED ANYTHING ELSE RUNNING!!! Playability? NO CHANCE!! The RAW SPEED of BLAZEMONGER is so WILDLY INTENSE that nobody has EVER beaten this game. You will literally feel WIND AGAINST YOUR FACE as the images WHIP past your glazed eyes. The average player dies in FIFTEEN DIFFERENT WAYS before he can even PLUG IN THE JOYSTICK!!! The best-known high score is in the NEGATIVES!!! Speaking of joysticks... BLAZEMONGER supports 2-button joysticks, 3-button joysticks, 3-button mice, 6-button shirts, 24-button ELEVATOR PANELS, and even 256-button TELEPHONE OPERATOR SWITCHBOARDS to give you precise control over nearly ALL of the 1073 BRAIN-BLASTING ULTIMATE WEAPONS available at ALL TIMES!! Does BLAZEMONGER have a 2-player mode? GET REAL!! BLAZEMONGER supports NINE SIMULTANEOUS PLAYERS through the use of CUSTOM JOYSTICKS. These little beauties can plug into the serial port, parallel port, SCSI port, 2nd-disk-drive port, video port, coprocessor slot, RGB monitor port... even the TWO AUDIO OUTPUTS!! And you can add MORE PLAYERS by modem, FAX, or GENLOCK!! So, you C and assembler wimps... go back to your stupid, lazy, futile, high-level software engineering TRASH. Go play "Monopoly" or something. There is only ONE TRUE GAME for the Amiga, and it is BLAZEMONGER. Only USD 9.95! Look for it in your favorite Amiga software store -- it's the package shaped like a plastic explosive wrapped around a lit stick of dynamite. Dan //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ | Dan Barrett, Department of Computer Science Johns Hopkins University | | INTERNET: barrett@cs.jhu.edu | | | COMPUSERVE: >internet:barrett@cs.jhu.edu | UUCP: barrett@jhunix.UUCP | \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////////////// Copyright 1990 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved. This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any publication without the written permission of the author. Date: Sat, 08 Dec 90 12:04:35 EST From: barrett@server.cs.jhu.edu To: David Tiberio Subject: Re: The ONLY way to get RAW, UNBRIDLED SPEED in an Amiga program >This Blazemonger game sounds really cool. Can nine people really play it >at once? BLAZEMONGER can indeed be played by nine people at once. Fortunately, this WIMPY LIMIT has been overcome in the soon-to-appear "BLAZEMONGER II: THE FINAL BEGINNING". This sequel allows FOUR HUNDRED simultaneous players, provided you have enough bathrooms. >Where can I get it? I haven't seen it advertised in any magazines! BLAZEMONGER is not advertised in any of your WORTHLESS magazines. Real gameplayers KNOW where to get it. >:) I didn't know the audio ports can be INPUTS! They are, if you feed back enough VOLTS into 'em!! The authors of BLAZEMONGER are the ULTIMATE PROGRAMMERS. They can get around ANY such trivial details. (In fact, they are now working on BLAZEMONGER hard-disk installation for people who do not own hard disks.) Dan Copyright 1990 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved. This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any publication without the written permission of the author. Date: 19 Feb 91 15:17:28 GMT From: barrett@jhunix.HCF.JHU.EDU (Dan Barrett) Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy Subject: Re: Blazemonger cheats Keywords: BLAZEMONGER is part of this complete breakfast In article <1991Feb18.173342.11160@zorch.SF-Bay.ORG> mike@zorch.SF-Bay.ORG (Mike Smithwick) writes: >A friend of mine got killed in BLAZEMONGER before he even TURNED ON his >machine. The next version will have an even MORE SOPHISTICATED algorithm; you don't even have to OWN an Amiga to lose the game!! BLAZEMONGER periodically checks your bank account. When it senses that you have enough money to BUY an Amiga, it projects a big, flashing "GAME OVER" message on your wall. >BTW, how do people get thru the copy-protection? I understand that you have >to send the author USD 5.00 each time you want to play, and he'll call up >your machine to enter the 32 digit keycode. This RUMOR is a VICIOUS LIE. It is a thirty-*three* digit code. Dan //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ | Dan Barrett, Department of Computer Science Johns Hopkins University | | INTERNET: barrett@cs.jhu.edu | | | COMPUSERVE: >internet:barrett@cs.jhu.edu | UUCP: barrett@jhunix.UUCP | \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////////////// Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved. This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any publication without the written permission of the author. Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy Subject: New BM (was Re: WHERE THE HELL ARETHE 2.0 ROMS FOR THE 2000 AND 500? Mars???) Keywords: BLAZEMONGER XIV coming soon! In article <11962@helios.TAMU.EDU> n368bq@tamuts.tamu.edu (Raoul Rodriguez) writes: >yea, where is the new copy of BLAZEMONGER anyway.... BLAZEMONGER III will be ready Real Soon Now. It features more graphics, more speed, more sound, more speed, and more SPEED than ever before. And did I mention MORE SPEED? The game is SO FAST that we weren't even able to *write* "BLAZEMONGER II" -- it leaped off the disk and into the upper atmosphere before we could catch it!! >my copy (version .0009) gurued after I completed the first level, .... Your Amiga either has a hardware problem, or you are doing something wrong. BLAZEMONGER has no bugs. I'll bet you are a pirate. >40 seconds of pure excitement, and >to top it all off, I can out with a POSITIVE score of 4!!!!!! I think >this is a new record, (call Guiness).... That is a TRIVIAL score. I have seen TRUE game players get scores of 5 or even 6 after ONLY a few hours of play. Dan //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ | Dan Barrett, Department of Computer Science Johns Hopkins University | | INTERNET: barrett@cs.jhu.edu | | | COMPUSERVE: >internet:barrett@cs.jhu.edu | UUCP: barrett@jhunix.UUCP | \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////////////// Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved. This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any publication without the written permission of the author. From: barrett@jhunix.HCF.JHU.EDU (Dan Barrett) Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy Subject: REAL inter-application communication [was Re: Clipboard etc] Date: 15 Jun 91 21:12:35 GMT I am so glad that everybody is so concerned about clipboard support these days. In fact, thanks to your many insightful, polite, and unbiased clipboard articles, one of your fellow USENETers has requested more clipboard support in BLAZEMONGER. You know, the usual stuff: cutting out levels from another game and importing them into BLAZEMONGER, pasting in pages from actual books, etc. This is an excellent idea. As I'm sure you know from previous postings, BLAZEMONGER is one of the most friendly, well-behaved, totally Intuition-ized programs in existence. Bang on the hardware? We wouldn't DREAM of it! After all, good behavior is more important than speed, right? [Pause.... Spittle begins to drip from the chin....] HAHAHA! If you believe THAT stuff, you've been living on the PLANET WIMPFACE for the last 2 years!! BLAZEMONGER goes RIGHT TO THE METAL for EVERYTHING, even during the CODING! Yes, we code DIRECTLY in BINARY for MAXIMUM SPEED. Assembly is just TOO SLOW, as you ALL know deep in your HEARTS. CLIPBOARD SUPPORT?!? What's the purpose of the Clipboard anyway? To transfer data from one application into another, right? Well, the next release of BLAZEMONGER will do even BETTER than THAT! And FASTER, of course!! Rather than letting you transfer your WIMPY data from another application, BLAZEMONGER comes complete with ALL OF YOUR DATA ALREADY IN IT! Yes, it's true. Thanks to our Microwave Modem Technology, we already have ALL OF YOUR COMPUTER FILES here on our four million billion gigabyte hard drive. And thanks to our latest data compression techniques, we have encoded ALL of this data on the BLAZEMONGER disk. If you need any of it, just ask BLAZEMONGER, and it is INSTANTLY inserted into your currently running game! "But," you say, "what about any *new* data I make after I've bought Blazemonger?" This is a legitimate question, so here's a very reasonable answer. FIRST of all, Mr. SMARTY-PANTS, the name of the game is BLAZEMONGER in ALL CAPITAL LETTERS, because you have to YELL when you say it. GET WITH IT, BUDDY!! And second, it's not an issue! You simply can't MAKE any new data after you buy BLAZEMONGER. Once loaded, it's IMPOSSIBLE to unload the game. In fact, you can't even TURN OFF YOUR COMPUTER because BLAZEMONGER taps directly into the LIVE VOLTAGES in the power supply and conveniently reroutes them to the power switch! This way, you are quickly reminded NEVER to turn off this game. We installed this feature after MANY of our customers requested it. (Well... actually, they requested hard drive installation, but we decided that this is more efficient.) I hope that answers any questions about BLAZEMONGER's Clipboard support. If you have any comments, just put them in a file on one of your disks. We'll read them eventually.... Dan //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ | Dan Barrett - Systems Administrator, Computer Science Department | | The Johns Hopkins University, 34th and Charles Sts., Baltimore, MD 21218 | | INTERNET: barrett@cs.jhu.edu | | | COMPUSERVE: >internet:barrett@cs.jhu.edu | UUCP: barrett@jhunix.UUCP | \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////////////// ps: Thanks to Ray Cromwell for asking us to tackle the Clipboard.... Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved. This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any publication without the written permission of the author. From: barrett@jhunix.HCF.JHU.EDU (Dan Barrett) Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.programmer Subject: Re: Source to OS (Was Re: Information on Amiga Technical Reference Seri) Date: 15 Jun 91 21:50:01 GMT In recent articles, people have asked Commodore to release the source code of the operating system. Since Commodore has decided not to do this, I thought it would get the ball rolling by releasing the source code to BLAZEMONGER. As you are well aware, BLAZEMONGER is the fastest program ever written. On the average, it is finished running just slightly before you reach for your joystick. (Don't worry... it's usually faster in practice.) We figured that the source code would prove instructive to young hardware-bangers eager for MAXIMUM SPEED, but still not sure how to get it. (Hint: you're doing it WRONG.) And next, who knows: perhaps other companies will release THEIR source code too! Then we can all laugh and see how STUPID it is compared to BLAZEMONGER's ultimate form. Aren't we worried about BLAZEMONGER clones being written now, as EVIL, WIMPY companies steal our source code and incorporate it into their own games? GET REAL!!! We fear NOTHING!! In fact, if anybody tries to use even ONE BYTE of BLAZEMONGER code in their programs, even modified beyond recognition, we will know. Trust us, we'll know. You don't want to do this. It will be very bad for your, uh, health. So much for the "legal-ese" portion of our posting. So, without further ado, here it is: the SOURCE CODE FOR BLAZEMONGER, THE FASTEST PROGRAM EVER WRITTEN!! It is in uuencoded format. Simply save it in a file and type "uudecode filename" to decode it. ------------8<----------------- cut here ----------------8<------------------ begin 644 BLAZEMONGER.X end ------------8<----------------- cut here ----------------8<------------------ Enjoy!! Dan //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ | Dan Barrett - Systems Administrator, Computer Science Department | | The Johns Hopkins University, 34th and Charles Sts., Baltimore, MD 21218 | | INTERNET: barrett@cs.jhu.edu | | | COMPUSERVE: >internet:barrett@cs.jhu.edu | UUCP: barrett@jhunix.UUCP | \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////////////// Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved. This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any publication without the written permission of the author. From: barrett@jhunix.HCF.JHU.EDU (Dan Barrett) Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy Subject: Re: CDTV News Date: 17 Jun 91 21:18:12 GMT In article <1991Jun16.130419.21035@ncsu.edu> kdarling@hobbes.catt.ncsu.edu (Kevin Darling) writes: >rjc@wookumz.gnu.ai.mit.edu (Ray Cromwell) writes: >> >>> >>>> [CDTV is great, CD-I is greater, CDTV is greater than greater, etc.] Sigh. CDTV?? CD-I?? These are BOTH very WIMPY ideas. If you want to see a REAL innovation, check out the LATEST in the series of similarly-named, 4-letter video products: Introducing... CBTV! Yes, CBTV! Now, you might think that the "CB" stands for "Citizen's Band", as in "CB radio". After all, it makes a lot of sense to integrate a television set with a CB. It would certainly find its way into 99% of people's homes. (Mainly because we'd sneak in at night and put it there.) But that's NOT what "CBTV" stands for!! The REAL words are (you knew this was coming, didn't you...): COMPACT BLAZEMONGER TERROR and VIOLENCE That's right! CBTV is the ULTIMATE ULTIMATE video game machine!! Hidden inside its miniscule frame (2" x 1" x 1"), CBTV contains SEVEN HUNDRED MILLION of the most HORRIFYING villains, creatures, aliens, mutants, mechanized death machines, monster trucks ("...are coming, coming, COMING!"), Atari salespeople, and other EVIL, SLIME-DRIPPING ARCANE FORCES. And all that stands between them and TOTAL WORLD CONQUEST is... YOU, and your trusty 0.25" joystick! You thought BLAZEMONGER was fast, eh?? Well, you ain't seen NOTHING yet! On the CBTV custom hardware, the images will RIP past your eyes so fast that you'll think that YOU are actually moving! In fact, you WILL be moving, thanks to CBTV's built-in ULTRA-POWERFUL magnet that will carry your body toward the nearest metal object at LIGHTNING SPEED! Bang on the hardware??? OF COURSE!! CBTV has not ten, not twenty, but FIFTY-SIX THOUSAND 128-BIT DMA HARDWARE REGISTERS ready to be POKED... and poked HARD!! SLAMMED, actually, right against the WALL! Pesky registers. They get what they deserve. So, as you can see, all those silly CVTD (or whatever they're called this week) devices are just no comparison. Junk 'em, that's what I say. Incidentally, if anybody is interested in becoming a CBTV developer, send e-mail to BLAZEMONGER@blazemonger.blazemonger.blazemonger.blazemonger. Include your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, number of speeding tickets received, number of speeding tickets OUTRUN, number of calluses on your joystick finger, and a brief history of any violent activity in yourself or close family members, Dan //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ | Dan Barrett, Department of Computer Science Johns Hopkins University | | INTERNET: barrett@cs.jhu.edu | | | COMPUSERVE: >internet:barrett@cs.jhu.edu | UUCP: barrett@jhunix.UUCP | \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////////////// Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved. This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any publication without the written permission of the author. From: barrett@jhunix.HCF.JHU.EDU (Dan Barrett) Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy Subject: The long-awaited History of BLAZEMONGER Keywords: Watch for BLAZEMONGER MLXXVII with 4-D sound Date: 19 Jun 91 07:57:00 GMT Various people have written me e-mail about BLAZEMONGER. So far, the comments look like this: PERCENT COMMENT 54.5% "Don't you have anything BETTER to do at 4:00 am?" 28.0% "Stop wasting bandwidth!" 16.8% "Where can I obtain, er, uh, BUY a copy?" 2.7% "Is your last name REALLY 'Barrett'?" 1.4% "Can't you add to 100% correctly?!?" 0.0003% "Could you tell us the history of BLAZEMONGER?" Well, due to overwhelming popular demand, here it is... the REAL, TRUE, FACTUAL, MAGNIFICENT HISTORY OF BLAZEMONGER. But first, some legalities: ** This REAL TRUE FACTUAL MAGNIFICENT HISTORY is ** ** CopyWright 1991 by Daniel J. BLAZEMONGER. ** ** All rites reserved. Void where permitted. ** Now before reading, please sign the following non-disclosure agreement. "I, __type__your__name__here__, agree that I will not disclose any information about the REAL TRUE FACTUAL MAGNIFICENT HISTORY of BLAZEMONGER unless I really want to." _________________ (fill in .sig) Now that THAT is all out of the way... time for the R.T.F.M. History!! Part I: BEFORE BLAZEMONGER Once, there was a TERRIBLE time in Amiga history. The games sucked. They were SLOW, STUPID, BORING, USELESS, and NOT AT ALL FUN. Totally WIMPY games like "Shadow of the Cheese" dominated the market. These games were written by INEPT PROGRAMMERS who didn't know the difference between a HARDWARE REGISTER and an EXPONENTIAL ALGORITHM. They couldn't tell an OUTPUT from a SHOT PUT. The most COMMON PROGRAM these people ran was a GURU MEDITATION. Believe me, it was PATHETIC. Well, about this time, a group of three Florida doctors had a spare USD 7 million to invest, so they decided to build the ultimate game computer. They... uh... wait a minute. Wrong history. So, about THIS time, a group of ULTIMATE PROGRAMMERS decided that ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH. It was time to write the GAME TO END ALL GAMES. (Literally! In fact, the original plans called for the game to seek out and DESTROY any WIMPY games owned by the user! But for better or worse, this was dropped from the specification when we realized that, to have the best game, you also have to have other games around that are WORSE.) And so, our BRILLIANT PLANNERS and AMAZING CODERS started work on the program. It was a well-kept SECRET. NOBODY was allowed to refer to it by its actual name, so they used CODE NAMES. These names were SO SECRET and SO WELL ENCRYPTED that nobody, not even the people involved, could crack them. So they just tossed out the code names and used the real one. But what was the real name? What should the ULTIMATE GAME be called? Well, the original name chosen was, believe it or not, "Wonk", which is the sound of the user "wonking" a monster on the head. But this name was soon scrapped because it sounded too similar to "Turrican", a VERY WIMPY game. Next, the designers tried the name "Kill Kill Kill" which pleased most everyone, but it STILL sounded too much like "Turrican". But this name was one step closer to a good one, because it had almost enough VIOLENCE in it. Finally, in a sudden BURST OF BRILLIANCE, ALL of the people involved SUDDENLY thought of the SAME NAME SIMULTANEOUSLY! It was a MAGICAL experience! Everybody was STUNNED! Yes!! The game was going to be called... called... "Little Princess Petunia and her Cute, Fluffy Doggie"!! How they CHEERED the decision!! Everybody felt GREAT. Then somebody noticed that the building's air vents were all shut, and truck exhaust fumes had been filtering into the building for the past 2 hours. So everybody went outside, took a few deep breaths, and decided on "BLAZEMONGER." BLAZEMONGER: a name that would strike TERROR into the hearts and text editors of those INCOMPETENT WANNA-BE BASIC PROGRAMMERS at Psychosis, Innerprune, Bitmap Buffoons, Electronic Artichokes, Seagate, and other TOY MANUFACTURERS. Yes, BLAZEMONGER: who could change the course of mighty GAME SALES... bend RKM RULES in its BARE HANDS... and who, disguised as... uh... never mind. Part II: B.M. Hits The Beta-Testers After a careful selection process, 6 BRAVE beta-testers were chosen to try out the game. We watched carefully, from behind our concrete bunker, to see what would happen. Up to this point, nobody had actually tried to play the game. The first beta-tester picked up the BLAZEMONGER game disk and prepared to insert it into the computer. We were all VERY pleased when, as his hand was approaching the drive, the words "GAME OVER" began flashing on the monitor. It was a success!! BLAZEMONGER was the FASTEST GAME EVER WRITTEN. (We sent the rest of the beta-testers home. Dweebs.) Part III: Disaster In The Stores The first shipment of BLAZEMONGER packages was sent to the stores. It was shaped like a PLASTIC EXPLOSIVE wrapped around a LIT STICK of DYNAMITE. This naturally frightened some of the MEEK and WIMPY store owners. But we had expected that this might happen, so we did the appropriate thing: we sent a few of our "support people" to each store, and they beat the hell out of the store owners with blunt instruments. BLAZEMONGER sales improved rapidly. But it wasn't enough. Weedy little jerkoff kids started PIRATING the game. In our first release, you see, we had decided not to use any form of disk-based copy protection. This was not a problem, however, as one of our programmers had lovingly coated the original disks with BUBONIC PLAGUE VIRUS, which was passed on to the illegal copies. However, the original PACKAGING was coated with Bubonic Plague ANTIDOTE. You get the picture? Anyway, that took care of the piracy problem rather quickly. Finally, BLAZEMONGER sales were hurt by a nasty rumor that started floating around on BBS's and USENET. Somebody claimed that, after you turned off your computer, BLAZEMONGER would hide in the battery-backed RAM of the internal clock. This was a VICIOUS LIE!! BLAZEMONGER doesn't NEED any WIMPY batteries!!! If it wanted to, it could hide in your MOUSE!! Or even in the GRIMY DIRT on your RETURN KEY!!! God, don't you ever WASH that thing?!? Makes me sick. Part IV. BLAZEMONGER TRIUMPHANT Nowadays, absolutely EVERYBODY admits that BLAZEMONGER is the ULTIMATE GAME that plays FASTER THAN ANYTHING ELSE. Even though the original game had NO BUGS, we decided to add LOTS OF FEATURES (the feature not to blow up the monitor, the feature not to electrocute the user, etc.), resulting in BLAZEMONGER III, BLAZEMONGER IV, and so on. (There was no BLAZEMONGER II, as it was so BLINDINGLY FAST that it LEAPED out of the computer and up into the STRATOSPHERE before we could play it.) So there you have it: the REAL TRUE FACTUAL MAGNIFICENT HISTORY of BLAZEMONGER... straight from the SOURCE. If you have any questions, we can send some of our "support people" around to straighten you out. Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved. This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any publication without the written permission of the author. Date: 12 Sep 91 02:33:38 GMT Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy From: barrett@cs.umass.edu (Dan Barrett) Subject: Latest BM innovations (was: Valium Hardware Comparisons) Summary: BLAZEMONGER in '92 Keywords: Asmodeus, prongs In various and sundry articles, several gazillion people write: >[OS/2 is God, OS/2 bites, OS/2 is, OS/2 isn't, OS/2 late, etc...] First, I'd like to thank everyone folks for a beautifully reasoned, polite, and fact-filled foray into the world of OS/2. I know I certainly learned a lot. Like how to spell it. Anyway, I am writing with some GOOD NEWS!! Thanks to you, we folks at BLAZEMONGER INC. have decided to port BLAZEMONGER to the OS/2 platform! Yes! This should satisfy all you folks who were planning on upgrading your Amigas to run this fine operating system, but didn't want to lose your GOD-GIVEN RIGHT to BLAST SLIME-BREATHING ALIENS into TINY PIECES OF LUNCH MEAT!! And I don't blame you. But the good news doesn't stop there! Not only are we *porting* BLAZEMONGER... we are actually INTEGRATING BLAZEMONGER with OS/2, to form a NEW, more POWERFUL, and [yes!] more VIOLENT operating system!!! Introducing... B S / 2 Yes, BLAZEMONGER SYSTEM/2 is the FASTEST OPERATING SYSTEM in the KNOWN UNIVERSE!! NOTHING will be able to compete with it!! UNIX, VMS, DOS, Mac OS, Emacs... *all* of these operating systems will SHRIVEL AND DIE in the wake of the MIGHTY BS/2. Get a load of these AWESOME features: o TRUE MULTITASKING! Hundreds or even THOUSANDS of processes all running simultaneously in a BATTLE TO THE DEATH!! o Over 500,000 LEVELS of FILESYSTEM for you to explore!! o Total MEMORY PROTECTION! Any program that attempts to fiddle with another program's memory is BLASTED INTO A MILLION PIECES!! o RESOURCE TRACKING! Thanks to an innovative AUTO-MAPPING facility, you will know EXACTLY where each resource is HIDING!! o An unbelievable, multi-dimensional GUI!! Windows with cracked glass, dripping blood, and UGLY HAGS peering out at you! A mouse pointer shaped like a LASER DEATH RAY! Magic SCROLL BARS covered with RUNES! And every file has TEN ICONS... but nine of them are DEADLY TRAPS!! o Background daemons that are *REALLY* DAEMONS!! When a file is sent to the printer, Yeenoghu Himself will hand you the hardcopy! o Multi-threaded processes, constructed from the very webs of GIANT BLACK WIDOW SPIDERS!! ** PLUS: a unique PROGRAMMER'S INTERFACE... with *TWO* fire buttons!! Yes, it's BS/2! Coming soon to finer retailers all over the MATERIAL PLANE! Hurry and get your copy before IT gets YOU!! Dan //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ | Dan Barrett -- Grad student, Department of Computer & Information Science | | University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA 01003 -- barrett@cs.umass.edu | \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////////////// ps: I probably should respond to a few questions about BLAZEMONGER that I have been receiving by e-mail. It would appear we have a few newcomers on the Net. (?) "What is BLAZEMONGER?" BLAZEMONGER is the FASTEST GAME EVER WRITTEN!! It was coded for MAXIMUM SPEED by DIRECTLY rearranging the magnetic particles on the disk -- no WIMPY programming languages for US!! The game WHIZZES past your scorched eyeballs even before you can TEAR OFF THE SHRINK-WRAP!!! (?) "Where can I get it?" REAL game-players KNOW where to get it. (?) "Gosh, the above sounds suspiciously like a commercial. I suppose you were involved in the creation and/or marketing of the thing? If so, then the message is inappropriate for Usenet, unless of course you'd like to pay us all for distributing it for you." [YES! This is an ACTUAL QUOTE!!] THANK YOU for your insightful remarks. We will try to work your suggestion into a future version of the game. [Snort!] Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved. This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any publication without the written permission of the author. Date: 25 Sep 91 03:05:16 GMT From: barrett@panther.cs.umass.edu (Daniel Barrett) Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy Subject: Re: Blazemonger upgrade Summary: It's spelled "BLAZEMONGER", Heathen Swine! >In article <1991Sep23.013207.25989@muddcs.claremont.edu> nradov@jarthur.claremont.edu (Slippery Jim) writes: >>...score of 9, I realized something had to be done, so... I missed the original article, so I don't know what "nradov" was complaining about here.... However, judging from the small quote above, it sounds like you are not satisfied with some aspect of BLAZEMONGER (note -- all capitals). I advise you to call our Customer Service Department. The toll-free phone number is located on game level 1,984,237,875,338,914,750, just behind the Crazed Mutant Waterbuffalo. If any of you are ever the least bit dissatisfied with BLAZEMONGER, our Customer Service Department is ready to help. They are trained, polite, and helpful. They wouldn't DREAM of being insulting. No sir. They LOVE to help IGNORANT WIMPS who don't know how to play a REAL computer game. No problem is too small -- even TOTALLY STUPID problems that ANYBODY with JELLO FOR BRAINS could SOLVE EFFORTLESSLY. Yes, even if you are a LAZY, DROOLING SCUMFACE who CAN'T EVEN PICK HIS OWN NOSE WITHOUT SPECIAL ASSISTANCE, we will be more than happy to SET YOU STRAIGHT!! >>...I uncompiled the original code and added a new segment that directly >>accesses the Amiga's speach... Well, we strongly advise against disassembling BLAZEMONGER. The code has a special safety feature built in: if you disassemble and then reassemble it, the result comes out BACKWARDS. Yes, you wind up with a copy of "REGNOMEZALB", the SLOWEST game ever written!! It is SO AMAZINGLY SLOW that your Amiga will dry up into DUST and CRUMBLE AWAY *long* before the game starts!! It takes over 104 years just to TURN ON the DRIVE LIGHT!! And don't even ASK about the introductory animation. Just imagine a DEAD SLUG in an OCEAN OF FROZEN MOLASSES and you will BEGIN to get the idea. Needless to say, this will VOID YOUR WARRANTY, and our infamous Customer Service Department will have to come to your house with blunt instruments (to be "helpful"). If you truly have nothing better to do with your time, we can send you a copy of REGNOMEZALB to play. Dan //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ | Dan Barrett -- Grad student, Department of Computer & Information Science | | University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA 01003 -- barrett@cs.umass.edu | \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////////////// Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved. This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any publication without the written permission of the author. From: barrett@cs.umass.edu (Dan Barrett) Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy Subject: SUMMARY of BLAZEMONGER suggestions (long) Date: 28 Oct 91 16:18:42 GMT A few weeks ago, I asked the kind, gentle, and overall wonderful readers of this fine newsgroup to send me suggestions for new features for the next version of BLAZEMONGER. Thank you to everyone who replied!! Thanks to your suggestions, the next version of BLAZEMONGER will be bigger, better, and MORE VIOLENT than EVER!!! Here is a summary of the suggestions, together with my comments (heh heh). In addition, the BEST BLAZEMONGER SUGGESTION WINNER is at the end of this article!! Yes, you have to read the whole darn thing, you WHINER. Our first suggestion comes from Kevin "Mr. Virtual" Whyte (stx@vax1.mankato.msus.edu), who asks: >Well how about Virtual Reality? I saw a segment on VR that had a >lame shoot your opponent with a pistol before yyou get carried off >by a teridactyl(reptilian bird). That sounds like a very good idea! Unfortunately, BLAZEMONGER doesn't NEED any WIMPY VIRTUAL REALITY!! BLAZEMONGER gives you *REAL* REALITY!! YEAH!!! When you shoot a monster with your DEATH RAY LASER CANNON, an ACTUAL ALIEN CREATURE is BLOWN TO BITS on some DISTANT, PEACEFUL PLANET!! Hah! That will teach those aliens not to be so damn peaceful. BTW, what's a "lame"??? Keeping with the theme of virtual and real reality, we have Gregory R. Block (gblock@csd4.csd.uwm.edu) who suggests: >With a simple attachment (pneumatic drill and jackhammer not >supplied), the system can be directly attached to the brain, >allowing .0045 milliseconds of awesome experience! You won't just >see or play the game, you'll be in it!!! Feel the searing heat of >a plasma laser ripping through your body! Jump through acid walls, >and watch the flesh drop from your yellowed, brittle bones! This >attachment makes this game COMPLETELY UNSEPARABLE FROM REALITY! As >a matter of fact, it seeks out and destroys reality, replacing it >with itself! I *LIKE* that!! Especially the part about the drill and jackhammer. It might be FUN to do surgery on our clients. Our next suggestion comes from David "Aw Ma!!" Navas (navas@cory.berkeley.EDU), who drawls: >Well, shee--ught son, I got puhlenty of them there [idea] thingies >just floatin' in the all encompahssing ay-buhndance. >Them thar alien things 'r gettin' mighty tired, Mah here suggests >you ree-place them with Cmdre middle-management, marketroids, >salespeople, and Unix personnal. H*ll son, if Irving Gould can do >it, so can we. Juhst kick the ole disk ruight into that there ole >chunk-chunk drive and fire away.... Teee-erminated, ye-ole' >buzzard breath. Believe it or not, BLAZEMONGER already has this feature! Take a VERY close look at the hoard of slimy, radioactive, tentacled BARF-BREATHERS that attacks you on level 22,054,239. Don't they look slightly... well... PENNSYLVANIAN?? And one of them is wearing a "VISIT SCENIC WEST CHESTER" T-shirt!! But David's family isn't through with suggestions yet: >Mah son here has a few words that he would lihke to expose. > >Espouse, dad -- oh nevermind, you went and got the whole thing >wrong. Dan, see I was just noticing all these suspiciously similar >names -- OS/2, Windows 3.0, Release 2.0, System 7.0, MS-DOS 5.0. >Do you think it's a communist plot? Or is it just a new product >you're developing -- BLAZENAMER or something like that? "You too >can have a fancy sounding package name, including your very own >period." (You'll notice a bug with OS/2 -- apparently a >programming error led to a finger slip from the period to the slash >key. We all know that it was originally planned as OS.2) > >Mom you want to say anything, ma? Ma, put down the gun, now.... > >Mah, jihst rehlahx, you're havin' a little rehlahpse, don' panick... >----- >"Evil, sinful, devil devil -- HATE HATE HATE!!! AAAUGUAUGH Git >back the lot of you and I'll blow it away. It'll eat you alihve, >it's hateful, burning, radiation, poison, searing through your >head, burning your nostrils into charred remains of black seared >carbon, ripping your brain to little tiny..." > >Mah, no Mah, this ain't a TV, ok? > >"Huh, what what what?" > >This ain't a TV, it's a computer, can you say computer, Mom? >----- >Weauhll, me and the boy, we'll take care of her, dohn' you worry >about it. I guess you won't be able to top the hypnotic >mind-numbing effects of TV. Guess they got the ultimate already... Well now, THAT was exciting, wasn't it?!? I think I got an idea for a whole new BLAZEMONGER level from that little interchange. :-) Next, we have "Norman St. John Polevaulter" (MBS110@PSUVM.PSU.EDU), who, for the last few years, has been... uh... wait a minute. Wrong sketch. Hmm... I think I'll have to check through our "Registered Users" database to see if this name actually is in there.... :-) >I want to see hard disk installation in the next version of >BLAZEMONGER. Like, you can install your hard disk into a '67 >Chevy, or something. > >Also it should run properly on A3000's. (I booted up my copy of >BLAZEMONGER III and it flashed "GAME OVER" on the screen like >usual... then my computer EXPLODED! The fire destroyed my room and >I was in the hospital for weeks! Is this a bug?) Plus I think you >should get rid of the "look up the series of digits in the decimal >expansion of pi" protection. Not that the decimal expansion of pi >isn't fascinating reading material in and of itself, but two hours >for copy protection is a bit excessive, isn't it? > >And while you're at it can you port it to the VIC 20 and SuperPET? >Thanks. Oh yeah, one more thing -- last time I called the Customer >Service Department to complain about the way BLAZEMONGER doesn't >multitask, they didn't give me any satisfaction (although they did >send two guys named Luigi and Vito around to break my legs.) Can >you look into this? Sorry, but Luigi and Vito were acting correctly in this case. If you look in your BLAZEMONGER manual, Chapter 238 ("Legalities"), it clearly states that BLAZEMONGER INC. is permitted and even ENCOURAGED to break your legs if it so desires. Just be glad that our licensing agreement isn't as strict as the one for AMIGA UNIX! Can you imagine the TRAGEDY if BLAZEMONGER didn't let you play with more than 2 users?!? We received a porting suggestion from Todd "Mac Weenie" Green (tagreen@bronze.ucs.indiana.edu) who requests: >As you may well know, the Mac game arena is in dire need for a good >game, I think the next version should be ported to the Mac. Of >course I want it to emulate all the Amiga custom chips in software, >without lossing _any_ of it's speed. I want it to FLY!!! To prove >once and for all that the Amiga rules, and it's programmers are the >only true programmers. Of course I want this done yesterday. Todd, I think that Macintosh of yours has INFESTED YOUR BRAIN. Your ONLY HOPE OF SALVATION is to seek out David Navas's "Mah" [see above] and PRAY FOR FORGIVENESS. And speaking of porting BLAZEMONGER, Brent SomethingOrOther (abdwinig@idbsu.idbsu.edu) is sick and tired of the whole issue: >OK Dan, enough of this talk about porting BLAZEMONGER to other >platforms from the Amiga. If the programmers were really good, >they could turn the other platforms into an Amiga! This would be >really nice for Joe consumer since he wouldn't have to scrap his >almost worthless 50Mz 486 & buy an Amiga to play BLAZEMONGER & use >all the other neat Amiga software out there on the market. Now >we're not talking emulation here. I mean, Joe consumer could kiss >that MS-stuff out the window & do some real computing then! Next, Harold H. Ipolyi (ipolyi@sweetpea.jsc.nasa.gov) gave us some keen insight into the Middle-Eastern computer game market, with the humble suggestion to >BLAST SADDAM, of course! Daniel Ortmann (ortmann@plains.nodak.edu) went so far as to give us a complete commercial for a BLAZEMONGER-equipped AMIGA: >Imagine a commercial where a boy is stolling down a grayish street, >from a grayish school, in grayish drab clothes. He is blowing gray >bubble gum. He enters his gray home plugs in his BORING gray >Nintendo and is slouched back in his seat while playing a "Marios >Bros." (The machine has been hacked to half the usually slow >speed.) >[...] >In his boredom he looks out the window to see the kid from across >the street whizzing toward home on bright neon colored >in-line-skates. [The cool kid boots his computer and] starts up a >fighter-plane simulation. ...we see the cool kid rocket through >the skylight of his home in his ejection seat! The boring kid is >startled awake (with mario bros going still on in the background). >He looks out the window to see the cool kid parachuting to earth! >The gaping hole in the house's skylight is clearly evident. >...cool kids mom yells "You forgot to open the skylight again, >didn't you!?" Personally, Daniel (great name, BTW), I don't think this commercial will fly. [Har har har.] After all, who in their RIGHT MIND can get excited about a WIMPY FLIGHT SIMULATOR... EVEN one that ejects your body through the ROOF at HIGH VELOCITY. BLAZEMONGER is the only REAL game for the AMIGA!! In fact, I'll bet that Ethan Solomita would accuse this commercial of using SUBLIMINAL ADVERTISING to convince WIMPY NINTENDO OWNERS that their machines are GREY, and that Commodore prices are going to go THROUGH THE ROOF. But what do I know. Our next suggestion comes from Rick "I Want To Eat Burnt, Dead Bodies" Blewitt (rblewitt@sdcc6.ucsd.edu) who says, in no uncertain terms, that he craves: >More VIOLENCE, I mean at least 1 out of every 10 frames of the >original BLAZEMONGER did not have detailed pictures of some >character getting horribly mutilated in some unspeakable way. I >mean I want to see BLOOD and lots of it, I want to see it on the >screen, on the keyboard, spurting from the mouse, and being sent >through my modem and into the phones of all my friends and while >we're at it to PETA HQ as well!! Yes, I want it SO VIOLENT that >I have to fill out POLICE REPORTS after every game!!!! OK, Rick, you asked for it! The next version of BLAZEMONGER will come with a HOSE ATTACHMENT that you connect from YOUR LEG to the computer! Every time a character is injured, your blood and bone marrow will be SUCKED VIOLENTLY up through the hose and out through the DISK DRIVE, RIGHT INTO YOUR FACE!! WHAT MORE COULD YOU ASK FOR?!?!?!?!?!? HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! Roger Uzun (uzun@pnet01.cts.com) takes a different approach. Everybody knows that BLAZEMONGER doesn't multitask and forces you to boot on its INDESTRUCTABLE original game disk. But it bothers Roger that some people with more powerful Amigas can even TRY to run the game! >My suggestion is that the next step is to have BLAZEMONGER convert >any system it is booted on into the equivalent of a single floppy, >512k Amiga 500 from that point on, and prohibit all multitasking >from that point on. In other words, even if the owner of the >'perverted' Amiga machine reboots, or powers off then on again, his >machine will be effectively reduced to a single floppy 512k A500 >for the rest of its days, and will not allow any form of >multitasking. > >That will teach them who the 'power users' really are! Good idea, Roger! Would you like to volunteer to be a BETA TESTER for this new feature? You supply the machine.... Ives Aerts (gutest8%blekul11.bitnet@cunyvm.cuny.edu) wants more multi-player options: >How about adding some fantastic NULL-modem option so we can all >blazemonge together ? Off course that would have to be an >EVEN-LESS-THAN-NULL-modem since the game is going so fast that >you don't really need all those cables ... You know, Ives, I *really* like the way you made "BLAZEMONGER" into a verb! "To blazemonge"... yeah, I like it I like it!! I'll contact Webster's Dictionary immediately! Finally, we have 2 users who suggested ENTIRELY NEW PRODUCTS for the BLAZEMONGER line. First, K. C. Lee (leek@qucdn.queensu.ca) writes: >I haven't have the chance to play around with the latest >BLAZEMONGER, but this is what a have in mind. Introducing the >ultimate ultra greatest tech breakthrough .... M I N D M O N G E R >(simply awersome) > >Have you ever got too much time on your hands or that you can't >affort or smart enough to use computer brand A ? Do you find >spending days and nights writing flame articles on >comp.sys.computer_a interfere with your social life. You NEED >MINDMONGER. We here at BLAZEMONGER, INCORPORATED have finally make >the technological breakthrough that allows you to play MINDMONGER >in your mind WITHOUT the use of a computer. MINDMONGER runs in >your brain so you can play it wherever you go. It is so amazingly >smart that it would play the game by itself even when you are >asleep or out of your mind. Call now to get your copy of >MINDMONGER !! and then Per Bojsen (bojsen@moria.uucp) writes: >This is not exactly an idea for the new version of Blazemonger... >oops, BLAZEMONGER, but rather an idea for a new product in the >*MONGER series: > > H Y P E M O N G E R > >This product is similar to PHRASEMONGER in that you give it a few >keywords such as the name of your product, and then press a button >to generate a highly hyped description of the product. A special >mode of HYPEMONGER is where you feed it the hype of your >competition (perhaps combined with PHRASEMONGER?) in order to >generate hype that renders the competition's products completely >ridiculous (at best). > >Wanna try HYPEMONGER on BLAZEMONGER? :-) > >A point of warning: Don't try to feed HYPEMONGER output back into >HYPEMONGER . . . Thanks, folks!! We'll try to get MINDMONGER and HYPEMONGER into the stores as soon as possible!! *********** And now... the BEST BLAZEMONGER SUGGESTION WINNER!! Congratulations and a BIG, WET KISS ON THE LIPS OF A SLIMY BARF-BREATHER go to "Name Unknown" (motcid!green!tereszcz@uunet.UU.NET) who suggests: >Dan, how about the next version of BLAZEMONGER will do what >you thought you told it to do instead what you told it. Also >if you play it at work, it will at random either improve your >job performance review, degrade it, degrade your boss's review, >or permanently brain damage your offspring or give you a severe case >of constipation. While dwelling on features how about it making all >users take a brain transplant from amorous mink. Well, there you have it!! Thanks again for all the wonderful suggestions! BLAZEMONGER MMMDDCCLXVII will definitely incorporate many or all of them. And just to show our gratitude, all of you will be sent a FREE COPY of the new version once it becomes available. Be sure to try out Roger Uzun's feature right away!! Dan //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ | Dan Barrett -- Grad student, Department of Computer & Information Science | | University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA 01003 -- barrett@cs.umass.edu | \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////////////// Article 51180 of comp.sys.amiga: Path: jhunix!barrett From: barrett@jhunix.HCF.JHU.EDU (Dan Barrett) Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga Subject: The ONLY way to get RAW, UNBRIDLED SPEED in an Amiga program Keywords: C, assembly, Elvis, prongs Message-ID: <7077@jhunix.HCF.JHU.EDU> Date: 7 Dec 90 17:18:14 GMT Organization: The Johns Hopkins University - HCF Lines: 79 Some folks wrote about: >Subject: Re: Assembler Programming - Costs versus Benefits >Subject: Re: Awesome! Now I am Pi**ed! >Basically, writing a portable program blah blah blah... You people in comp.sys.amiga just don't know what you are TALKING about! It is TOTALLY OBVIOUS to me that NONE of you have EVER WRITTEN a computer program. If you want to see RAW SPEED in an Amiga game, you MUST check out **** B L A Z E M O N G E R **** THIS IS THE FASTEST AMIGA GAME EVER WRITTEN -- NOTHING ELSE EVEN COMES CLOSE! Tired of TURRICAN? Is the BEAST a pussycat?? Does the KILLING GAME SHOW play like RERUNS of HOME SHOPPING NETWORK??? GET A LIFE!!!!! BLAZEMONGER animates at 200 FRAMES PER SECOND -- so blindingly FAST that you need TWO MONITORS just to WATCH THE INTRO!!! Forget C! Forget ASSEMBLER! Forget all those SLOW, WIMPY LANGUAGES!! BLAZEMONGER is written in 100% CRAY YMP MACHINE CODE for the ULTIMATE in SPEED!!! BLAZEMONGER goes DIRECTLY to the AMIGA HARDWARE for unmatched performance. While BLAZEMONGER is being played, warm boots (ctrl-A-A) have ABSOLUTELY NO EFFECT. In fact, you literally CANNOT TURN OFF THE AMIGA because BLAZEMONGER takes over the power switch!! (How's THAT for a safety feature??) At the same time, BLAZEMONGER sends thousands of volts through your power cable, SOLDERING IT TO THE WALL OUTLET, assuring that UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES can you EVER accidentally stop this game. Copy protected? You BET!! BLAZEMONGER uses disk protection, dongle protection, "look up the word in the manual" protection, "look up the word in the DICTIONARY" protection (Webster's 4th edition), 40-number YALE COMBINATION LOCK protection, and an impenetrable TEFLON COATING around the entire disk!!! And for your added safety, your high scores are written to the super-protected MASTER DISK, so the pesky scores CANNOT ESCAPE and post themselves to THOUSANDS OF BULLETIN BOARDS, bragging about their MAGNITUDE! Multitasking? WHO NEEDS IT?!? BLAZEMONGER is SO AMAZINGLY FAST that it takes LESS TIME to COLD BOOT on our custom OS than it does to SWITCH SCREENS!! In the time it takes you to run a stupid "clock" program in the background, you can play FIVE FULL GAMES of BLAZEMONGER!! YOU DON'T NEED ANYTHING ELSE RUNNING!!! Playability? NO CHANCE!! The RAW SPEED of BLAZEMONGER is so WILDLY INTENSE that nobody has EVER beaten this game. You will literally feel WIND AGAINST YOUR FACE as the images WHIP past your glazed eyes. The average player dies in FIFTEEN DIFFERENT WAYS before he can even PLUG IN THE JOYSTICK!!! The best-known high score is in the NEGATIVES!!! Speaking of joysticks... BLAZEMONGER supports 2-button joysticks, 3-button joysticks, 3-button mice, 6-button shirts, 24-button ELEVATOR PANELS, and even 256-button TELEPHONE OPERATOR SWITCHBOARDS to give you precise control over nearly ALL of the 1073 BRAIN-BLASTING ULTIMATE WEAPONS available at ALL TIMES!! Does BLAZEMONGER have a 2-player mode? GET REAL!! BLAZEMONGER supports NINE SIMULTANEOUS PLAYERS through the use of CUSTOM JOYSTICKS. These little beauties can plug into the serial port, parallel port, SCSI port, 2nd-disk-drive port, video port, coprocessor slot, RGB monitor port... even the TWO AUDIO OUTPUTS!! And you can add MORE PLAYERS by modem, FAX, or GENLOCK!! So, you C and assembler wimps... go back to your stupid, lazy, futile, high-level software engineering TRASH. Go play "Monopoly" or something. There is only ONE TRUE GAME for the Amiga, and it is BLAZEMONGER. Only USD 9.95! Look for it in your favorite Amiga software store -- it's the package shaped like a plastic explosive wrapped around a lit stick of dynamite. Dan //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ | Dan Barrett, Department of Computer Science Johns Hopkins University | | INTERNET: barrett@cs.jhu.edu | | | COMPUSERVE: >internet:barrett@cs.jhu.edu | UUCP: barrett@jhunix.UUCP | \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////////////// Copyright 1990 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved. This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any publication without the written permission of the author. Date: Sat, 08 Dec 90 12:04:35 EST From: barrett@server.cs.jhu.edu To: David Tiberio Subject: Re: The ONLY way to get RAW, UNBRIDLED SPEED in an Amiga program >This Blazemonger game sounds really cool. Can nine people really play it >at once? BLAZEMONGER can indeed be played by nine people at once. Fortunately, this WIMPY LIMIT has been overcome in the soon-to-appear "BLAZEMONGER II: THE FINAL BEGINNING". This sequel allows FOUR HUNDRED simultaneous players, provided you have enough bathrooms. >Where can I get it? I haven't seen it advertised in any magazines! BLAZEMONGER is not advertised in any of your WORTHLESS magazines. Real gameplayers KNOW where to get it. >:) I didn't know the audio ports can be INPUTS! They are, if you feed back enough VOLTS into 'em!! The authors of BLAZEMONGER are the ULTIMATE PROGRAMMERS. They can get around ANY such trivial details. (In fact, they are now working on BLAZEMONGER hard-disk installation for people who do not own hard disks.) Dan Copyright 1990 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved. This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any publication without the written permission of the author. Date: 19 Feb 91 15:17:28 GMT From: barrett@jhunix.HCF.JHU.EDU (Dan Barrett) Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy Subject: Re: Blazemonger cheats Keywords: BLAZEMONGER is part of this complete breakfast In article <1991Feb18.173342.11160@zorch.SF-Bay.ORG> mike@zorch.SF-Bay.ORG (Mike Smithwick) writes: >A friend of mine got killed in BLAZEMONGER before he even TURNED ON his >machine. The next version will have an even MORE SOPHISTICATED algorithm; you don't even have to OWN an Amiga to lose the game!! BLAZEMONGER periodically checks your bank account. When it senses that you have enough money to BUY an Amiga, it projects a big, flashing "GAME OVER" message on your wall. >BTW, how do people get thru the copy-protection? I understand that you have >to send the author USD 5.00 each time you want to play, and he'll call up >your machine to enter the 32 digit keycode. This RUMOR is a VICIOUS LIE. It is a thirty-*three* digit code. Dan //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ | Dan Barrett, Department of Computer Science Johns Hopkins University | | INTERNET: barrett@cs.jhu.edu | | | COMPUSERVE: >internet:barrett@cs.jhu.edu | UUCP: barrett@jhunix.UUCP | \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////////////// Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved. This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any publication without the written permission of the author. Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy Subject: New BM (was Re: WHERE THE HELL ARETHE 2.0 ROMS FOR THE 2000 AND 500? Mars???) Keywords: BLAZEMONGER XIV coming soon! In article <11962@helios.TAMU.EDU> n368bq@tamuts.tamu.edu (Raoul Rodriguez) writes: >yea, where is the new copy of BLAZEMONGER anyway.... BLAZEMONGER III will be ready Real Soon Now. It features more graphics, more speed, more sound, more speed, and more SPEED than ever before. And did I mention MORE SPEED? The game is SO FAST that we weren't even able to *write* "BLAZEMONGER II" -- it leaped off the disk and into the upper atmosphere before we could catch it!! >my copy (version .0009) gurued after I completed the first level, .... Your Amiga either has a hardware problem, or you are doing something wrong. BLAZEMONGER has no bugs. I'll bet you are a pirate. >40 seconds of pure excitement, and >to top it all off, I can out with a POSITIVE score of 4!!!!!! I think >this is a new record, (call Guiness).... That is a TRIVIAL score. I have seen TRUE game players get scores of 5 or even 6 after ONLY a few hours of play. Dan //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ | Dan Barrett, Department of Computer Science Johns Hopkins University | | INTERNET: barrett@cs.jhu.edu | | | COMPUSERVE: >internet:barrett@cs.jhu.edu | UUCP: barrett@jhunix.UUCP | \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////////////// Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved. This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any publication without the written permission of the author. From: barrett@jhunix.HCF.JHU.EDU (Dan Barrett) Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy Subject: REAL inter-application communication [was Re: Clipboard etc] Date: 15 Jun 91 21:12:35 GMT I am so glad that everybody is so concerned about clipboard support these days. In fact, thanks to your many insightful, polite, and unbiased clipboard articles, one of your fellow USENETers has requested more clipboard support in BLAZEMONGER. You know, the usual stuff: cutting out levels from another game and importing them into BLAZEMONGER, pasting in pages from actual books, etc. This is an excellent idea. As I'm sure you know from previous postings, BLAZEMONGER is one of the most friendly, well-behaved, totally Intuition-ized programs in existence. Bang on the hardware? We wouldn't DREAM of it! After all, good behavior is more important than speed, right? [Pause.... Spittle begins to drip from the chin....] HAHAHA! If you believe THAT stuff, you've been living on the PLANET WIMPFACE for the last 2 years!! BLAZEMONGER goes RIGHT TO THE METAL for EVERYTHING, even during the CODING! Yes, we code DIRECTLY in BINARY for MAXIMUM SPEED. Assembly is just TOO SLOW, as you ALL know deep in your HEARTS. CLIPBOARD SUPPORT?!? What's the purpose of the Clipboard anyway? To transfer data from one application into another, right? Well, the next release of BLAZEMONGER will do even BETTER than THAT! And FASTER, of course!! Rather than letting you transfer your WIMPY data from another application, BLAZEMONGER comes complete with ALL OF YOUR DATA ALREADY IN IT! Yes, it's true. Thanks to our Microwave Modem Technology, we already have ALL OF YOUR COMPUTER FILES here on our four million billion gigabyte hard drive. And thanks to our latest data compression techniques, we have encoded ALL of this data on the BLAZEMONGER disk. If you need any of it, just ask BLAZEMONGER, and it is INSTANTLY inserted into your currently running game! "But," you say, "what about any *new* data I make after I've bought Blazemonger?" This is a legitimate question, so here's a very reasonable answer. FIRST of all, Mr. SMARTY-PANTS, the name of the game is BLAZEMONGER in ALL CAPITAL LETTERS, because you have to YELL when you say it. GET WITH IT, BUDDY!! And second, it's not an issue! You simply can't MAKE any new data after you buy BLAZEMONGER. Once loaded, it's IMPOSSIBLE to unload the game. In fact, you can't even TURN OFF YOUR COMPUTER because BLAZEMONGER taps directly into the LIVE VOLTAGES in the power supply and conveniently reroutes them to the power switch! This way, you are quickly reminded NEVER to turn off this game. We installed this feature after MANY of our customers requested it. (Well... actually, they requested hard drive installation, but we decided that this is more efficient.) I hope that answers any questions about BLAZEMONGER's Clipboard support. If you have any comments, just put them in a file on one of your disks. We'll read them eventually.... Dan //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ | Dan Barrett - Systems Administrator, Computer Science Department | | The Johns Hopkins University, 34th and Charles Sts., Baltimore, MD 21218 | | INTERNET: barrett@cs.jhu.edu | | | COMPUSERVE: >internet:barrett@cs.jhu.edu | UUCP: barrett@jhunix.UUCP | \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////////////// ps: Thanks to Ray Cromwell for asking us to tackle the Clipboard.... Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved. This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any publication without the written permission of the author. From: barrett@jhunix.HCF.JHU.EDU (Dan Barrett) Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.programmer Subject: Re: Source to OS (Was Re: Information on Amiga Technical Reference Seri) Date: 15 Jun 91 21:50:01 GMT In recent articles, people have asked Commodore to release the source code of the operating system. Since Commodore has decided not to do this, I thought it would get the ball rolling by releasing the source code to BLAZEMONGER. As you are well aware, BLAZEMONGER is the fastest program ever written. On the average, it is finished running just slightly before you reach for your joystick. (Don't worry... it's usually faster in practice.) We figured that the source code would prove instructive to young hardware-bangers eager for MAXIMUM SPEED, but still not sure how to get it. (Hint: you're doing it WRONG.) And next, who knows: perhaps other companies will release THEIR source code too! Then we can all laugh and see how STUPID it is compared to BLAZEMONGER's ultimate form. Aren't we worried about BLAZEMONGER clones being written now, as EVIL, WIMPY companies steal our source code and incorporate it into their own games? GET REAL!!! We fear NOTHING!! In fact, if anybody tries to use even ONE BYTE of BLAZEMONGER code in their programs, even modified beyond recognition, we will know. Trust us, we'll know. You don't want to do this. It will be very bad for your, uh, health. So much for the "legal-ese" portion of our posting. So, without further ado, here it is: the SOURCE CODE FOR BLAZEMONGER, THE FASTEST PROGRAM EVER WRITTEN!! It is in uuencoded format. Simply save it in a file and type "uudecode filename" to decode it. ------------8<----------------- cut here ----------------8<------------------ begin 644 BLAZEMONGER.X end ------------8<----------------- cut here ----------------8<------------------ Enjoy!! Dan //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ | Dan Barrett - Systems Administrator, Computer Science Department | | The Johns Hopkins University, 34th and Charles Sts., Baltimore, MD 21218 | | INTERNET: barrett@cs.jhu.edu | | | COMPUSERVE: >internet:barrett@cs.jhu.edu | UUCP: barrett@jhunix.UUCP | \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////////////// Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved. This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any publication without the written permission of the author. From: barrett@jhunix.HCF.JHU.EDU (Dan Barrett) Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy Subject: Re: CDTV News Date: 17 Jun 91 21:18:12 GMT In article <1991Jun16.130419.21035@ncsu.edu> kdarling@hobbes.catt.ncsu.edu (Kevin Darling) writes: >rjc@wookumz.gnu.ai.mit.edu (Ray Cromwell) writes: >> >>> >>>> [CDTV is great, CD-I is greater, CDTV is greater than greater, etc.] Sigh. CDTV?? CD-I?? These are BOTH very WIMPY ideas. If you want to see a REAL innovation, check out the LATEST in the series of similarly-named, 4-letter video products: Introducing... CBTV! Yes, CBTV! Now, you might think that the "CB" stands for "Citizen's Band", as in "CB radio". After all, it makes a lot of sense to integrate a television set with a CB. It would certainly find its way into 99% of people's homes. (Mainly because we'd sneak in at night and put it there.) But that's NOT what "CBTV" stands for!! The REAL words are (you knew this was coming, didn't you...): COMPACT BLAZEMONGER TERROR and VIOLENCE That's right! CBTV is the ULTIMATE ULTIMATE video game machine!! Hidden inside its miniscule frame (2" x 1" x 1"), CBTV contains SEVEN HUNDRED MILLION of the most HORRIFYING villains, creatures, aliens, mutants, mechanized death machines, monster trucks ("...are coming, coming, COMING!"), Atari salespeople, and other EVIL, SLIME-DRIPPING ARCANE FORCES. And all that stands between them and TOTAL WORLD CONQUEST is... YOU, and your trusty 0.25" joystick! You thought BLAZEMONGER was fast, eh?? Well, you ain't seen NOTHING yet! On the CBTV custom hardware, the images will RIP past your eyes so fast that you'll think that YOU are actually moving! In fact, you WILL be moving, thanks to CBTV's built-in ULTRA-POWERFUL magnet that will carry your body toward the nearest metal object at LIGHTNING SPEED! Bang on the hardware??? OF COURSE!! CBTV has not ten, not twenty, but FIFTY-SIX THOUSAND 128-BIT DMA HARDWARE REGISTERS ready to be POKED... and poked HARD!! SLAMMED, actually, right against the WALL! Pesky registers. They get what they deserve. So, as you can see, all those silly CVTD (or whatever they're called this week) devices are just no comparison. Junk 'em, that's what I say. Incidentally, if anybody is interested in becoming a CBTV developer, send e-mail to BLAZEMONGER@blazemonger.blazemonger.blazemonger.blazemonger. Include your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, number of speeding tickets received, number of speeding tickets OUTRUN, number of calluses on your joystick finger, and a brief history of any violent activity in yourself or close family members, Dan //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ | Dan Barrett, Department of Computer Science Johns Hopkins University | | INTERNET: barrett@cs.jhu.edu | | | COMPUSERVE: >internet:barrett@cs.jhu.edu | UUCP: barrett@jhunix.UUCP | \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////////////// Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved. This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any publication without the written permission of the author. From: barrett@jhunix.HCF.JHU.EDU (Dan Barrett) Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy Subject: The long-awaited History of BLAZEMONGER Keywords: Watch for BLAZEMONGER MLXXVII with 4-D sound Date: 19 Jun 91 07:57:00 GMT Various people have written me e-mail about BLAZEMONGER. So far, the comments look like this: PERCENT COMMENT 54.5% "Don't you have anything BETTER to do at 4:00 am?" 28.0% "Stop wasting bandwidth!" 16.8% "Where can I obtain, er, uh, BUY a copy?" 2.7% "Is your last name REALLY 'Barrett'?" 1.4% "Can't you add to 100% correctly?!?" 0.0003% "Could you tell us the history of BLAZEMONGER?" Well, due to overwhelming popular demand, here it is... the REAL, TRUE, FACTUAL, MAGNIFICENT HISTORY OF BLAZEMONGER. But first, some legalities: ** This REAL TRUE FACTUAL MAGNIFICENT HISTORY is ** ** CopyWright 1991 by Daniel J. BLAZEMONGER. ** ** All rites reserved. Void where permitted. ** Now before reading, please sign the following non-disclosure agreement. "I, __type__your__name__here__, agree that I will not disclose any information about the REAL TRUE FACTUAL MAGNIFICENT HISTORY of BLAZEMONGER unless I really want to." _________________ (fill in .sig) Now that THAT is all out of the way... time for the R.T.F.M. History!! Part I: BEFORE BLAZEMONGER Once, there was a TERRIBLE time in Amiga history. The games sucked. They were SLOW, STUPID, BORING, USELESS, and NOT AT ALL FUN. Totally WIMPY games like "Shadow of the Cheese" dominated the market. These games were written by INEPT PROGRAMMERS who didn't know the difference between a HARDWARE REGISTER and an EXPONENTIAL ALGORITHM. They couldn't tell an OUTPUT from a SHOT PUT. The most COMMON PROGRAM these people ran was a GURU MEDITATION. Believe me, it was PATHETIC. Well, about this time, a group of three Florida doctors had a spare USD 7 million to invest, so they decided to build the ultimate game computer. They... uh... wait a minute. Wrong history. So, about THIS time, a group of ULTIMATE PROGRAMMERS decided that ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH. It was time to write the GAME TO END ALL GAMES. (Literally! In fact, the original plans called for the game to seek out and DESTROY any WIMPY games owned by the user! But for better or worse, this was dropped from the specification when we realized that, to have the best game, you also have to have other games around that are WORSE.) And so, our BRILLIANT PLANNERS and AMAZING CODERS started work on the program. It was a well-kept SECRET. NOBODY was allowed to refer to it by its actual name, so they used CODE NAMES. These names were SO SECRET and SO WELL ENCRYPTED that nobody, not even the people involved, could crack them. So they just tossed out the code names and used the real one. But what was the real name? What should the ULTIMATE GAME be called? Well, the original name chosen was, believe it or not, "Wonk", which is the sound of the user "wonking" a monster on the head. But this name was soon scrapped because it sounded too similar to "Turrican", a VERY WIMPY game. Next, the designers tried the name "Kill Kill Kill" which pleased most everyone, but it STILL sounded too much like "Turrican". But this name was one step closer to a good one, because it had almost enough VIOLENCE in it. Finally, in a sudden BURST OF BRILLIANCE, ALL of the people involved SUDDENLY thought of the SAME NAME SIMULTANEOUSLY! It was a MAGICAL experience! Everybody was STUNNED! Yes!! The game was going to be called... called... "Little Princess Petunia and her Cute, Fluffy Doggie"!! How they CHEERED the decision!! Everybody felt GREAT. Then somebody noticed that the building's air vents were all shut, and truck exhaust fumes had been filtering into the building for the past 2 hours. So everybody went outside, took a few deep breaths, and decided on "BLAZEMONGER." BLAZEMONGER: a name that would strike TERROR into the hearts and text editors of those INCOMPETENT WANNA-BE BASIC PROGRAMMERS at Psychosis, Innerprune, Bitmap Buffoons, Electronic Artichokes, Seagate, and other TOY MANUFACTURERS. Yes, BLAZEMONGER: who could change the course of mighty GAME SALES... bend RKM RULES in its BARE HANDS... and who, disguised as... uh... never mind. Part II: B.M. Hits The Beta-Testers After a careful selection process, 6 BRAVE beta-testers were chosen to try out the game. We watched carefully, from behind our concrete bunker, to see what would happen. Up to this point, nobody had actually tried to play the game. The first beta-tester picked up the BLAZEMONGER game disk and prepared to insert it into the computer. We were all VERY pleased when, as his hand was approaching the drive, the words "GAME OVER" began flashing on the monitor. It was a success!! BLAZEMONGER was the FASTEST GAME EVER WRITTEN. (We sent the rest of the beta-testers home. Dweebs.) Part III: Disaster In The Stores The first shipment of BLAZEMONGER packages was sent to the stores. It was shaped like a PLASTIC EXPLOSIVE wrapped around a LIT STICK of DYNAMITE. This naturally frightened some of the MEEK and WIMPY store owners. But we had expected that this might happen, so we did the appropriate thing: we sent a few of our "support people" to each store, and they beat the hell out of the store owners with blunt instruments. BLAZEMONGER sales improved rapidly. But it wasn't enough. Weedy little jerkoff kids started PIRATING the game. In our first release, you see, we had decided not to use any form of disk-based copy protection. This was not a problem, however, as one of our programmers had lovingly coated the original disks with BUBONIC PLAGUE VIRUS, which was passed on to the illegal copies. However, the original PACKAGING was coated with Bubonic Plague ANTIDOTE. You get the picture? Anyway, that took care of the piracy problem rather quickly. Finally, BLAZEMONGER sales were hurt by a nasty rumor that started floating around on BBS's and USENET. Somebody claimed that, after you turned off your computer, BLAZEMONGER would hide in the battery-backed RAM of the internal clock. This was a VICIOUS LIE!! BLAZEMONGER doesn't NEED any WIMPY batteries!!! If it wanted to, it could hide in your MOUSE!! Or even in the GRIMY DIRT on your RETURN KEY!!! God, don't you ever WASH that thing?!? Makes me sick. Part IV. BLAZEMONGER TRIUMPHANT Nowadays, absolutely EVERYBODY admits that BLAZEMONGER is the ULTIMATE GAME that plays FASTER THAN ANYTHING ELSE. Even though the original game had NO BUGS, we decided to add LOTS OF FEATURES (the feature not to blow up the monitor, the feature not to electrocute the user, etc.), resulting in BLAZEMONGER III, BLAZEMONGER IV, and so on. (There was no BLAZEMONGER II, as it was so BLINDINGLY FAST that it LEAPED out of the computer and up into the STRATOSPHERE before we could play it.) So there you have it: the REAL TRUE FACTUAL MAGNIFICENT HISTORY of BLAZEMONGER... straight from the SOURCE. If you have any questions, we can send some of our "support people" around to straighten you out. Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved. This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any publication without the written permission of the author. Date: 12 Sep 91 02:33:38 GMT Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy From: barrett@cs.umass.edu (Dan Barrett) Subject: Latest BM innovations (was: Valium Hardware Comparisons) Summary: BLAZEMONGER in '92 Keywords: Asmodeus, prongs In various and sundry articles, several gazillion people write: >[OS/2 is God, OS/2 bites, OS/2 is, OS/2 isn't, OS/2 late, etc...] First, I'd like to thank everyone folks for a beautifully reasoned, polite, and fact-filled foray into the world of OS/2. I know I certainly learned a lot. Like how to spell it. Anyway, I am writing with some GOOD NEWS!! Thanks to you, we folks at BLAZEMONGER INC. have decided to port BLAZEMONGER to the OS/2 platform! Yes! This should satisfy all you folks who were planning on upgrading your Amigas to run this fine operating system, but didn't want to lose your GOD-GIVEN RIGHT to BLAST SLIME-BREATHING ALIENS into TINY PIECES OF LUNCH MEAT!! And I don't blame you. But the good news doesn't stop there! Not only are we *porting* BLAZEMONGER... we are actually INTEGRATING BLAZEMONGER with OS/2, to form a NEW, more POWERFUL, and [yes!] more VIOLENT operating system!!! Introducing... B S / 2 Yes, BLAZEMONGER SYSTEM/2 is the FASTEST OPERATING SYSTEM in the KNOWN UNIVERSE!! NOTHING will be able to compete with it!! UNIX, VMS, DOS, Mac OS, Emacs... *all* of these operating systems will SHRIVEL AND DIE in the wake of the MIGHTY BS/2. Get a load of these AWESOME features: o TRUE MULTITASKING! Hundreds or even THOUSANDS of processes all running simultaneously in a BATTLE TO THE DEATH!! o Over 500,000 LEVELS of FILESYSTEM for you to explore!! o Total MEMORY PROTECTION! Any program that attempts to fiddle with another program's memory is BLASTED INTO A MILLION PIECES!! o RESOURCE TRACKING! Thanks to an innovative AUTO-MAPPING facility, you will know EXACTLY where each resource is HIDING!! o An unbelievable, multi-dimensional GUI!! Windows with cracked glass, dripping blood, and UGLY HAGS peering out at you! A mouse pointer shaped like a LASER DEATH RAY! Magic SCROLL BARS covered with RUNES! And every file has TEN ICONS... but nine of them are DEADLY TRAPS!! o Background daemons that are *REALLY* DAEMONS!! When a file is sent to the printer, Yeenoghu Himself will hand you the hardcopy! o Multi-threaded processes, constructed from the very webs of GIANT BLACK WIDOW SPIDERS!! ** PLUS: a unique PROGRAMMER'S INTERFACE... with *TWO* fire buttons!! Yes, it's BS/2! Coming soon to finer retailers all over the MATERIAL PLANE! Hurry and get your copy before IT gets YOU!! Dan //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ | Dan Barrett -- Grad student, Department of Computer & Information Science | | University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA 01003 -- barrett@cs.umass.edu | \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////////////// ps: I probably should respond to a few questions about BLAZEMONGER that I have been receiving by e-mail. It would appear we have a few newcomers on the Net. (?) "What is BLAZEMONGER?" BLAZEMONGER is the FASTEST GAME EVER WRITTEN!! It was coded for MAXIMUM SPEED by DIRECTLY rearranging the magnetic particles on the disk -- no WIMPY programming languages for US!! The game WHIZZES past your scorched eyeballs even before you can TEAR OFF THE SHRINK-WRAP!!! (?) "Where can I get it?" REAL game-players KNOW where to get it. (?) "Gosh, the above sounds suspiciously like a commercial. I suppose you were involved in the creation and/or marketing of the thing? If so, then the message is inappropriate for Usenet, unless of course you'd like to pay us all for distributing it for you." [YES! This is an ACTUAL QUOTE!!] THANK YOU for your insightful remarks. We will try to work your suggestion into a future version of the game. [Snort!] Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved. This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any publication without the written permission of the author. Date: 25 Sep 91 03:05:16 GMT From: barrett@panther.cs.umass.edu (Daniel Barrett) Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy Subject: Re: Blazemonger upgrade Summary: It's spelled "BLAZEMONGER", Heathen Swine! >In article <1991Sep23.013207.25989@muddcs.claremont.edu> nradov@jarthur.claremont.edu (Slippery Jim) writes: >>...score of 9, I realized something had to be done, so... I missed the original article, so I don't know what "nradov" was complaining about here.... However, judging from the small quote above, it sounds like you are not satisfied with some aspect of BLAZEMONGER (note -- all capitals). I advise you to call our Customer Service Department. The toll-free phone number is located on game level 1,984,237,875,338,914,750, just behind the Crazed Mutant Waterbuffalo. If any of you are ever the least bit dissatisfied with BLAZEMONGER, our Customer Service Department is ready to help. They are trained, polite, and helpful. They wouldn't DREAM of being insulting. No sir. They LOVE to help IGNORANT WIMPS who don't know how to play a REAL computer game. No problem is too small -- even TOTALLY STUPID problems that ANYBODY with JELLO FOR BRAINS could SOLVE EFFORTLESSLY. Yes, even if you are a LAZY, DROOLING SCUMFACE who CAN'T EVEN PICK HIS OWN NOSE WITHOUT SPECIAL ASSISTANCE, we will be more than happy to SET YOU STRAIGHT!! >>...I uncompiled the original code and added a new segment that directly >>accesses the Amiga's speach... Well, we strongly advise against disassembling BLAZEMONGER. The code has a special safety feature built in: if you disassemble and then reassemble it, the result comes out BACKWARDS. Yes, you wind up with a copy of "REGNOMEZALB", the SLOWEST game ever written!! It is SO AMAZINGLY SLOW that your Amiga will dry up into DUST and CRUMBLE AWAY *long* before the game starts!! It takes over 104 years just to TURN ON the DRIVE LIGHT!! And don't even ASK about the introductory animation. Just imagine a DEAD SLUG in an OCEAN OF FROZEN MOLASSES and you will BEGIN to get the idea. Needless to say, this will VOID YOUR WARRANTY, and our infamous Customer Service Department will have to come to your house with blunt instruments (to be "helpful"). If you truly have nothing better to do with your time, we can send you a copy of REGNOMEZALB to play. Dan //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ | Dan Barrett -- Grad student, Department of Computer & Information Science | | University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA 01003 -- barrett@cs.umass.edu | \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////////////// Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved. This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any publication without the written permission of the author. From: barrett@cs.umass.edu (Dan Barrett) Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy Subject: SUMMARY of BLAZEMONGER suggestions (long) Date: 28 Oct 91 16:18:42 GMT A few weeks ago, I asked the kind, gentle, and overall wonderful readers of this fine newsgroup to send me suggestions for new features for the next version of BLAZEMONGER. Thank you to everyone who replied!! Thanks to your suggestions, the next version of BLAZEMONGER will be bigger, better, and MORE VIOLENT than EVER!!! Here is a summary of the suggestions, together with my comments (heh heh). In addition, the BEST BLAZEMONGER SUGGESTION WINNER is at the end of this article!! Yes, you have to read the whole darn thing, you WHINER. Our first suggestion comes from Kevin "Mr. Virtual" Whyte (stx@vax1.mankato.msus.edu), who asks: >Well how about Virtual Reality? I saw a segment on VR that had a >lame shoot your opponent with a pistol before yyou get carried off >by a teridactyl(reptilian bird). That sounds like a very good idea! Unfortunately, BLAZEMONGER doesn't NEED any WIMPY VIRTUAL REALITY!! BLAZEMONGER gives you *REAL* REALITY!! YEAH!!! When you shoot a monster with your DEATH RAY LASER CANNON, an ACTUAL ALIEN CREATURE is BLOWN TO BITS on some DISTANT, PEACEFUL PLANET!! Hah! That will teach those aliens not to be so damn peaceful. BTW, what's a "lame"??? Keeping with the theme of virtual and real reality, we have Gregory R. Block (gblock@csd4.csd.uwm.edu) who suggests: >With a simple attachment (pneumatic drill and jackhammer not >supplied), the system can be directly attached to the brain, >allowing .0045 milliseconds of awesome experience! You won't just >see or play the game, you'll be in it!!! Feel the searing heat of >a plasma laser ripping through your body! Jump through acid walls, >and watch the flesh drop from your yellowed, brittle bones! This >attachment makes this game COMPLETELY UNSEPARABLE FROM REALITY! As >a matter of fact, it seeks out and destroys reality, replacing it >with itself! I *LIKE* that!! Especially the part about the drill and jackhammer. It might be FUN to do surgery on our clients. Our next suggestion comes from David "Aw Ma!!" Navas (navas@cory.berkeley.EDU), who drawls: >Well, shee--ught son, I got puhlenty of them there [idea] thingies >just floatin' in the all encompahssing ay-buhndance. >Them thar alien things 'r gettin' mighty tired, Mah here suggests >you ree-place them with Cmdre middle-management, marketroids, >salespeople, and Unix personnal. H*ll son, if Irving Gould can do >it, so can we. Juhst kick the ole disk ruight into that there ole >chunk-chunk drive and fire away.... Teee-erminated, ye-ole' >buzzard breath. Believe it or not, BLAZEMONGER already has this feature! Take a VERY close look at the hoard of slimy, radioactive, tentacled BARF-BREATHERS that attacks you on level 22,054,239. Don't they look slightly... well... PENNSYLVANIAN?? And one of them is wearing a "VISIT SCENIC WEST CHESTER" T-shirt!! But David's family isn't through with suggestions yet: >Mah son here has a few words that he would lihke to expose. > >Espouse, dad -- oh nevermind, you went and got the whole thing >wrong. Dan, see I was just noticing all these suspiciously similar >names -- OS/2, Windows 3.0, Release 2.0, System 7.0, MS-DOS 5.0. >Do you think it's a communist plot? Or is it just a new product >you're developing -- BLAZENAMER or something like that? "You too >can have a fancy sounding package name, including your very own >period." (You'll notice a bug with OS/2 -- apparently a >programming error led to a finger slip from the period to the slash >key. We all know that it was originally planned as OS.2) > >Mom you want to say anything, ma? Ma, put down the gun, now.... > >Mah, jihst rehlahx, you're havin' a little rehlahpse, don' panick... >----- >"Evil, sinful, devil devil -- HATE HATE HATE!!! AAAUGUAUGH Git >back the lot of you and I'll blow it away. It'll eat you alihve, >it's hateful, burning, radiation, poison, searing through your >head, burning your nostrils into charred remains of black seared >carbon, ripping your brain to little tiny..." > >Mah, no Mah, this ain't a TV, ok? > >"Huh, what what what?" > >This ain't a TV, it's a computer, can you say computer, Mom? >----- >Weauhll, me and the boy, we'll take care of her, dohn' you worry >about it. I guess you won't be able to top the hypnotic >mind-numbing effects of TV. Guess they got the ultimate already... Well now, THAT was exciting, wasn't it?!? I think I got an idea for a whole new BLAZEMONGER level from that little interchange. :-) Next, we have "Norman St. John Polevaulter" (MBS110@PSUVM.PSU.EDU), who, for the last few years, has been... uh... wait a minute. Wrong sketch. Hmm... I think I'll have to check through our "Registered Users" database to see if this name actually is in there.... :-) >I want to see hard disk installation in the next version of >BLAZEMONGER. Like, you can install your hard disk into a '67 >Chevy, or something. > >Also it should run properly on A3000's. (I booted up my copy of >BLAZEMONGER III and it flashed "GAME OVER" on the screen like >usual... then my computer EXPLODED! The fire destroyed my room and >I was in the hospital for weeks! Is this a bug?) Plus I think you >should get rid of the "look up the series of digits in the decimal >expansion of pi" protection. Not that the decimal expansion of pi >isn't fascinating reading material in and of itself, but two hours >for copy protection is a bit excessive, isn't it? > >And while you're at it can you port it to the VIC 20 and SuperPET? >Thanks. Oh yeah, one more thing -- last time I called the Customer >Service Department to complain about the way BLAZEMONGER doesn't >multitask, they didn't give me any satisfaction (although they did >send two guys named Luigi and Vito around to break my legs.) Can >you look into this? Sorry, but Luigi and Vito were acting correctly in this case. If you look in your BLAZEMONGER manual, Chapter 238 ("Legalities"), it clearly states that BLAZEMONGER INC. is permitted and even ENCOURAGED to break your legs if it so desires. Just be glad that our licensing agreement isn't as strict as the one for AMIGA UNIX! Can you imagine the TRAGEDY if BLAZEMONGER didn't let you play with more than 2 users?!? We received a porting suggestion from Todd "Mac Weenie" Green (tagreen@bronze.ucs.indiana.edu) who requests: >As you may well know, the Mac game arena is in dire need for a good >game, I think the next version should be ported to the Mac. Of >course I want it to emulate all the Amiga custom chips in software, >without lossing _any_ of it's speed. I want it to FLY!!! To prove >once and for all that the Amiga rules, and it's programmers are the >only true programmers. Of course I want this done yesterday. Todd, I think that Macintosh of yours has INFESTED YOUR BRAIN. Your ONLY HOPE OF SALVATION is to seek out David Navas's "Mah" [see above] and PRAY FOR FORGIVENESS. And speaking of porting BLAZEMONGER, Brent SomethingOrOther (abdwinig@idbsu.idbsu.edu) is sick and tired of the whole issue: >OK Dan, enough of this talk about porting BLAZEMONGER to other >platforms from the Amiga. If the programmers were really good, >they could turn the other platforms into an Amiga! This would be >really nice for Joe consumer since he wouldn't have to scrap his >almost worthless 50Mz 486 & buy an Amiga to play BLAZEMONGER & use >all the other neat Amiga software out there on the market. Now >we're not talking emulation here. I mean, Joe consumer could kiss >that MS-stuff out the window & do some real computing then! Next, Harold H. Ipolyi (ipolyi@sweetpea.jsc.nasa.gov) gave us some keen insight into the Middle-Eastern computer game market, with the humble suggestion to >BLAST SADDAM, of course! Daniel Ortmann (ortmann@plains.nodak.edu) went so far as to give us a complete commercial for a BLAZEMONGER-equipped AMIGA: >Imagine a commercial where a boy is stolling down a grayish street, >from a grayish school, in grayish drab clothes. He is blowing gray >bubble gum. He enters his gray home plugs in his BORING gray >Nintendo and is slouched back in his seat while playing a "Marios >Bros." (The machine has been hacked to half the usually slow >speed.) >[...] >In his boredom he looks out the window to see the kid from across >the street whizzing toward home on bright neon colored >in-line-skates. [The cool kid boots his computer and] starts up a >fighter-plane simulation. ...we see the cool kid rocket through >the skylight of his home in his ejection seat! The boring kid is >startled awake (with mario bros going still on in the background). >He looks out the window to see the cool kid parachuting to earth! >The gaping hole in the house's skylight is clearly evident. >...cool kids mom yells "You forgot to open the skylight again, >didn't you!?" Personally, Daniel (great name, BTW), I don't think this commercial will fly. [Har har har.] After all, who in their RIGHT MIND can get excited about a WIMPY FLIGHT SIMULATOR... EVEN one that ejects your body through the ROOF at HIGH VELOCITY. BLAZEMONGER is the only REAL game for the AMIGA!! In fact, I'll bet that Ethan Solomita would accuse this commercial of using SUBLIMINAL ADVERTISING to convince WIMPY NINTENDO OWNERS that their machines are GREY, and that Commodore prices are going to go THROUGH THE ROOF. But what do I know. Our next suggestion comes from Rick "I Want To Eat Burnt, Dead Bodies" Blewitt (rblewitt@sdcc6.ucsd.edu) who says, in no uncertain terms, that he craves: >More VIOLENCE, I mean at least 1 out of every 10 frames of the >original BLAZEMONGER did not have detailed pictures of some >character getting horribly mutilated in some unspeakable way. I >mean I want to see BLOOD and lots of it, I want to see it on the >screen, on the keyboard, spurting from the mouse, and being sent >through my modem and into the phones of all my friends and while >we're at it to PETA HQ as well!! Yes, I want it SO VIOLENT that >I have to fill out POLICE REPORTS after every game!!!! OK, Rick, you asked for it! The next version of BLAZEMONGER will come with a HOSE ATTACHMENT that you connect from YOUR LEG to the computer! Every time a character is injured, your blood and bone marrow will be SUCKED VIOLENTLY up through the hose and out through the DISK DRIVE, RIGHT INTO YOUR FACE!! WHAT MORE COULD YOU ASK FOR?!?!?!?!?!? HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! Roger Uzun (uzun@pnet01.cts.com) takes a different approach. Everybody knows that BLAZEMONGER doesn't multitask and forces you to boot on its INDESTRUCTABLE original game disk. But it bothers Roger that some people with more powerful Amigas can even TRY to run the game! >My suggestion is that the next step is to have BLAZEMONGER convert >any system it is booted on into the equivalent of a single floppy, >512k Amiga 500 from that point on, and prohibit all multitasking >from that point on. In other words, even if the owner of the >'perverted' Amiga machine reboots, or powers off then on again, his >machine will be effectively reduced to a single floppy 512k A500 >for the rest of its days, and will not allow any form of >multitasking. > >That will teach them who the 'power users' really are! Good idea, Roger! Would you like to volunteer to be a BETA TESTER for this new feature? You supply the machine.... Ives Aerts (gutest8%blekul11.bitnet@cunyvm.cuny.edu) wants more multi-player options: >How about adding some fantastic NULL-modem option so we can all >blazemonge together ? Off course that would have to be an >EVEN-LESS-THAN-NULL-modem since the game is going so fast that >you don't really need all those cables ... You know, Ives, I *really* like the way you made "BLAZEMONGER" into a verb! "To blazemonge"... yeah, I like it I like it!! I'll contact Webster's Dictionary immediately! Finally, we have 2 users who suggested ENTIRELY NEW PRODUCTS for the BLAZEMONGER line. First, K. C. Lee (leek@qucdn.queensu.ca) writes: >I haven't have the chance to play around with the latest >BLAZEMONGER, but this is what a have in mind. Introducing the >ultimate ultra greatest tech breakthrough .... M I N D M O N G E R >(simply awersome) > >Have you ever got too much time on your hands or that you can't >affort or smart enough to use computer brand A ? Do you find >spending days and nights writing flame articles on >comp.sys.computer_a interfere with your social life. You NEED >MINDMONGER. We here at BLAZEMONGER, INCORPORATED have finally make >the technological breakthrough that allows you to play MINDMONGER >in your mind WITHOUT the use of a computer. MINDMONGER runs in >your brain so you can play it wherever you go. It is so amazingly >smart that it would play the game by itself even when you are >asleep or out of your mind. Call now to get your copy of >MINDMONGER !! and then Per Bojsen (bojsen@moria.uucp) writes: >This is not exactly an idea for the new version of Blazemonger... >oops, BLAZEMONGER, but rather an idea for a new product in the >*MONGER series: > > H Y P E M O N G E R > >This product is similar to PHRASEMONGER in that you give it a few >keywords such as the name of your product, and then press a button >to generate a highly hyped description of the product. A special >mode of HYPEMONGER is where you feed it the hype of your >competition (perhaps combined with PHRASEMONGER?) in order to >generate hype that renders the competition's products completely >ridiculous (at best). > >Wanna try HYPEMONGER on BLAZEMONGER? :-) > >A point of warning: Don't try to feed HYPEMONGER output back into >HYPEMONGER . . . Thanks, folks!! We'll try to get MINDMONGER and HYPEMONGER into the stores as soon as possible!! *********** And now... the BEST BLAZEMONGER SUGGESTION WINNER!! Congratulations and a BIG, WET KISS ON THE LIPS OF A SLIMY BARF-BREATHER go to "Name Unknown" (motcid!green!tereszcz@uunet.UU.NET) who suggests: >Dan, how about the next version of BLAZEMONGER will do what >you thought you told it to do instead what you told it. Also >if you play it at work, it will at random either improve your >job performance review, degrade it, degrade your boss's review, >or permanently brain damage your offspring or give you a severe case >of constipation. While dwelling on features how about it making all >users take a brain transplant from amorous mink. Well, there you have it!! Thanks again for all the wonderful suggestions! BLAZEMONGER MMMDDCCLXVII will definitely incorporate many or all of them. And just to show our gratitude, all of you will be sent a FREE COPY of the new version once it becomes available. Be sure to try out Roger Uzun's feature right away!! Dan //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ | Dan Barrett -- Grad student, Department of Computer & Information Science | | University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA 01003 -- barrett@cs.umass.edu | \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////////////// Article 51180 of comp.sys.amiga: Path: jhunix!barrett From: barrett@jhunix.HCF.JHU.EDU (Dan Barrett) Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga Subject: The ONLY way to get RAW, UNBRIDLED SPEED in an Amiga program Keywords: C, assembly, Elvis, prongs Message-ID: <7077@jhunix.HCF.JHU.EDU> Date: 7 Dec 90 17:18:14 GMT Organization: The Johns Hopkins University - HCF Lines: 79 Some folks wrote about: >Subject: Re: Assembler Programming - Costs versus Benefits >Subject: Re: Awesome! Now I am Pi**ed! >Basically, writing a portable program blah blah blah... You people in comp.sys.amiga just don't know what you are TALKING about! It is TOTALLY OBVIOUS to me that NONE of you have EVER WRITTEN a computer program. If you want to see RAW SPEED in an Amiga game, you MUST check out **** B L A Z E M O N G E R **** THIS IS THE FASTEST AMIGA GAME EVER WRITTEN -- NOTHING ELSE EVEN COMES CLOSE! Tired of TURRICAN? Is the BEAST a pussycat?? Does the KILLING GAME SHOW play like RERUNS of HOME SHOPPING NETWORK??? GET A LIFE!!!!! BLAZEMONGER animates at 200 FRAMES PER SECOND -- so blindingly FAST that you need TWO MONITORS just to WATCH THE INTRO!!! Forget C! Forget ASSEMBLER! Forget all those SLOW, WIMPY LANGUAGES!! BLAZEMONGER is written in 100% CRAY YMP MACHINE CODE for the ULTIMATE in SPEED!!! BLAZEMONGER goes DIRECTLY to the AMIGA HARDWARE for unmatched performance. While BLAZEMONGER is being played, warm boots (ctrl-A-A) have ABSOLUTELY NO EFFECT. In fact, you literally CANNOT TURN OFF THE AMIGA because BLAZEMONGER takes over the power switch!! (How's THAT for a safety feature??) At the same time, BLAZEMONGER sends thousands of volts through your power cable, SOLDERING IT TO THE WALL OUTLET, assuring that UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES can you EVER accidentally stop this game. Copy protected? You BET!! BLAZEMONGER uses disk protection, dongle protection, "look up the word in the manual" protection, "look up the word in the DICTIONARY" protection (Webster's 4th edition), 40-number YALE COMBINATION LOCK protection, and an impenetrable TEFLON COATING around the entire disk!!! And for your added safety, your high scores are written to the super-protected MASTER DISK, so the pesky scores CANNOT ESCAPE and post themselves to THOUSANDS OF BULLETIN BOARDS, bragging about their MAGNITUDE! Multitasking? WHO NEEDS IT?!? BLAZEMONGER is SO AMAZINGLY FAST that it takes LESS TIME to COLD BOOT on our custom OS than it does to SWITCH SCREENS!! In the time it takes you to run a stupid "clock" program in the background, you can play FIVE FULL GAMES of BLAZEMONGER!! YOU DON'T NEED ANYTHING ELSE RUNNING!!! Playability? NO CHANCE!! The RAW SPEED of BLAZEMONGER is so WILDLY INTENSE that nobody has EVER beaten this game. You will literally feel WIND AGAINST YOUR FACE as the images WHIP past your glazed eyes. The average player dies in FIFTEEN DIFFERENT WAYS before he can even PLUG IN THE JOYSTICK!!! The best-known high score is in the NEGATIVES!!! Speaking of joysticks... BLAZEMONGER supports 2-button joysticks, 3-button joysticks, 3-button mice, 6-button shirts, 24-button ELEVATOR PANELS, and even 256-button TELEPHONE OPERATOR SWITCHBOARDS to give you precise control over nearly ALL of the 1073 BRAIN-BLASTING ULTIMATE WEAPONS available at ALL TIMES!! Does BLAZEMONGER have a 2-player mode? GET REAL!! BLAZEMONGER supports NINE SIMULTANEOUS PLAYERS through the use of CUSTOM JOYSTICKS. These little beauties can plug into the serial port, parallel port, SCSI port, 2nd-disk-drive port, video port, coprocessor slot, RGB monitor port... even the TWO AUDIO OUTPUTS!! And you can add MORE PLAYERS by modem, FAX, or GENLOCK!! So, you C and assembler wimps... go back to your stupid, lazy, futile, high-level software engineering TRASH. Go play "Monopoly" or something. There is only ONE TRUE GAME for the Amiga, and it is BLAZEMONGER. Only USD 9.95! Look for it in your favorite Amiga software store -- it's the package shaped like a plastic explosive wrapped around a lit stick of dynamite. Dan //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ | Dan Barrett, Department of Computer Science Johns Hopkins University | | INTERNET: barrett@cs.jhu.edu | | | COMPUSERVE: >internet:barrett@cs.jhu.edu | UUCP: barrett@jhunix.UUCP | \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////////////// Copyright 1990 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved. This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any publication without the written permission of the author. Date: Sat, 08 Dec 90 12:04:35 EST From: barrett@server.cs.jhu.edu To: David Tiberio Subject: Re: The ONLY way to get RAW, UNBRIDLED SPEED in an Amiga program >This Blazemonger game sounds really cool. Can nine people really play it >at once? BLAZEMONGER can indeed be played by nine people at once. Fortunately, this WIMPY LIMIT has been overcome in the soon-to-appear "BLAZEMONGER II: THE FINAL BEGINNING". This sequel allows FOUR HUNDRED simultaneous players, provided you have enough bathrooms. >Where can I get it? I haven't seen it advertised in any magazines! BLAZEMONGER is not advertised in any of your WORTHLESS magazines. Real gameplayers KNOW where to get it. >:) I didn't know the audio ports can be INPUTS! They are, if you feed back enough VOLTS into 'em!! The authors of BLAZEMONGER are the ULTIMATE PROGRAMMERS. They can get around ANY such trivial details. (In fact, they are now working on BLAZEMONGER hard-disk installation for people who do not own hard disks.) Dan Copyright 1990 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved. This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any publication without the written permission of the author. Date: 19 Feb 91 15:17:28 GMT From: barrett@jhunix.HCF.JHU.EDU (Dan Barrett) Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy Subject: Re: Blazemonger cheats Keywords: BLAZEMONGER is part of this complete breakfast In article <1991Feb18.173342.11160@zorch.SF-Bay.ORG> mike@zorch.SF-Bay.ORG (Mike Smithwick) writes: >A friend of mine got killed in BLAZEMONGER before he even TURNED ON his >machine. The next version will have an even MORE SOPHISTICATED algorithm; you don't even have to OWN an Amiga to lose the game!! BLAZEMONGER periodically checks your bank account. When it senses that you have enough money to BUY an Amiga, it projects a big, flashing "GAME OVER" message on your wall. >BTW, how do people get thru the copy-protection? I understand that you have >to send the author USD 5.00 each time you want to play, and he'll call up >your machine to enter the 32 digit keycode. This RUMOR is a VICIOUS LIE. It is a thirty-*three* digit code. Dan //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ | Dan Barrett, Department of Computer Science Johns Hopkins University | | INTERNET: barrett@cs.jhu.edu | | | COMPUSERVE: >internet:barrett@cs.jhu.edu | UUCP: barrett@jhunix.UUCP | \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////////////// Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved. This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any publication without the written permission of the author. Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy Subject: New BM (was Re: WHERE THE HELL ARETHE 2.0 ROMS FOR THE 2000 AND 500? Mars???) Keywords: BLAZEMONGER XIV coming soon! In article <11962@helios.TAMU.EDU> n368bq@tamuts.tamu.edu (Raoul Rodriguez) writes: >yea, where is the new copy of BLAZEMONGER anyway.... BLAZEMONGER III will be ready Real Soon Now. It features more graphics, more speed, more sound, more speed, and more SPEED than ever before. And did I mention MORE SPEED? The game is SO FAST that we weren't even able to *write* "BLAZEMONGER II" -- it leaped off the disk and into the upper atmosphere before we could catch it!! >my copy (version .0009) gurued after I completed the first level, .... Your Amiga either has a hardware problem, or you are doing something wrong. BLAZEMONGER has no bugs. I'll bet you are a pirate. >40 seconds of pure excitement, and >to top it all off, I can out with a POSITIVE score of 4!!!!!! I think >this is a new record, (call Guiness).... That is a TRIVIAL score. I have seen TRUE game players get scores of 5 or even 6 after ONLY a few hours of play. Dan //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ | Dan Barrett, Department of Computer Science Johns Hopkins University | | INTERNET: barrett@cs.jhu.edu | | | COMPUSERVE: >internet:barrett@cs.jhu.edu | UUCP: barrett@jhunix.UUCP | \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////////////// Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved. This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any publication without the written permission of the author. From: barrett@jhunix.HCF.JHU.EDU (Dan Barrett) Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy Subject: REAL inter-application communication [was Re: Clipboard etc] Date: 15 Jun 91 21:12:35 GMT I am so glad that everybody is so concerned about clipboard support these days. In fact, thanks to your many insightful, polite, and unbiased clipboard articles, one of your fellow USENETers has requested more clipboard support in BLAZEMONGER. You know, the usual stuff: cutting out levels from another game and importing them into BLAZEMONGER, pasting in pages from actual books, etc. This is an excellent idea. As I'm sure you know from previous postings, BLAZEMONGER is one of the most friendly, well-behaved, totally Intuition-ized programs in existence. Bang on the hardware? We wouldn't DREAM of it! After all, good behavior is more important than speed, right? [Pause.... Spittle begins to drip from the chin....] HAHAHA! If you believe THAT stuff, you've been living on the PLANET WIMPFACE for the last 2 years!! BLAZEMONGER goes RIGHT TO THE METAL for EVERYTHING, even during the CODING! Yes, we code DIRECTLY in BINARY for MAXIMUM SPEED. Assembly is just TOO SLOW, as you ALL know deep in your HEARTS. CLIPBOARD SUPPORT?!? What's the purpose of the Clipboard anyway? To transfer data from one application into another, right? Well, the next release of BLAZEMONGER will do even BETTER than THAT! And FASTER, of course!! Rather than letting you transfer your WIMPY data from another application, BLAZEMONGER comes complete with ALL OF YOUR DATA ALREADY IN IT! Yes, it's true. Thanks to our Microwave Modem Technology, we already have ALL OF YOUR COMPUTER FILES here on our four million billion gigabyte hard drive. And thanks to our latest data compression techniques, we have encoded ALL of this data on the BLAZEMONGER disk. If you need any of it, just ask BLAZEMONGER, and it is INSTANTLY inserted into your currently running game! "But," you say, "what about any *new* data I make after I've bought Blazemonger?" This is a legitimate question, so here's a very reasonable answer. FIRST of all, Mr. SMARTY-PANTS, the name of the game is BLAZEMONGER in ALL CAPITAL LETTERS, because you have to YELL when you say it. GET WITH IT, BUDDY!! And second, it's not an issue! You simply can't MAKE any new data after you buy BLAZEMONGER. Once loaded, it's IMPOSSIBLE to unload the game. In fact, you can't even TURN OFF YOUR COMPUTER because BLAZEMONGER taps directly into the LIVE VOLTAGES in the power supply and conveniently reroutes them to the power switch! This way, you are quickly reminded NEVER to turn off this game. We installed this feature after MANY of our customers requested it. (Well... actually, they requested hard drive installation, but we decided that this is more efficient.) I hope that answers any questions about BLAZEMONGER's Clipboard support. If you have any comments, just put them in a file on one of your disks. We'll read them eventually.... Dan //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ | Dan Barrett - Systems Administrator, Computer Science Department | | The Johns Hopkins University, 34th and Charles Sts., Baltimore, MD 21218 | | INTERNET: barrett@cs.jhu.edu | | | COMPUSERVE: >internet:barrett@cs.jhu.edu | UUCP: barrett@jhunix.UUCP | \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////////////// ps: Thanks to Ray Cromwell for asking us to tackle the Clipboard.... Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved. This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any publication without the written permission of the author. From: barrett@jhunix.HCF.JHU.EDU (Dan Barrett) Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.programmer Subject: Re: Source to OS (Was Re: Information on Amiga Technical Reference Seri) Date: 15 Jun 91 21:50:01 GMT In recent articles, people have asked Commodore to release the source code of the operating system. Since Commodore has decided not to do this, I thought it would get the ball rolling by releasing the source code to BLAZEMONGER. As you are well aware, BLAZEMONGER is the fastest program ever written. On the average, it is finished running just slightly before you reach for your joystick. (Don't worry... it's usually faster in practice.) We figured that the source code would prove instructive to young hardware-bangers eager for MAXIMUM SPEED, but still not sure how to get it. (Hint: you're doing it WRONG.) And next, who knows: perhaps other companies will release THEIR source code too! Then we can all laugh and see how STUPID it is compared to BLAZEMONGER's ultimate form. Aren't we worried about BLAZEMONGER clones being written now, as EVIL, WIMPY companies steal our source code and incorporate it into their own games? GET REAL!!! We fear NOTHING!! In fact, if anybody tries to use even ONE BYTE of BLAZEMONGER code in their programs, even modified beyond recognition, we will know. Trust us, we'll know. You don't want to do this. It will be very bad for your, uh, health. So much for the "legal-ese" portion of our posting. So, without further ado, here it is: the SOURCE CODE FOR BLAZEMONGER, THE FASTEST PROGRAM EVER WRITTEN!! It is in uuencoded format. Simply save it in a file and type "uudecode filename" to decode it. ------------8<----------------- cut here ----------------8<------------------ begin 644 BLAZEMONGER.X end ------------8<----------------- cut here ----------------8<------------------ Enjoy!! Dan //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ | Dan Barrett - Systems Administrator, Computer Science Department | | The Johns Hopkins University, 34th and Charles Sts., Baltimore, MD 21218 | | INTERNET: barrett@cs.jhu.edu | | | COMPUSERVE: >internet:barrett@cs.jhu.edu | UUCP: barrett@jhunix.UUCP | \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////////////// Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved. This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any publication without the written permission of the author. From: barrett@jhunix.HCF.JHU.EDU (Dan Barrett) Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy Subject: Re: CDTV News Date: 17 Jun 91 21:18:12 GMT In article <1991Jun16.130419.21035@ncsu.edu> kdarling@hobbes.catt.ncsu.edu (Kevin Darling) writes: >rjc@wookumz.gnu.ai.mit.edu (Ray Cromwell) writes: >> >>> >>>> [CDTV is great, CD-I is greater, CDTV is greater than greater, etc.] Sigh. CDTV?? CD-I?? These are BOTH very WIMPY ideas. If you want to see a REAL innovation, check out the LATEST in the series of similarly-named, 4-letter video products: Introducing... CBTV! Yes, CBTV! Now, you might think that the "CB" stands for "Citizen's Band", as in "CB radio". After all, it makes a lot of sense to integrate a television set with a CB. It would certainly find its way into 99% of people's homes. (Mainly because we'd sneak in at night and put it there.) But that's NOT what "CBTV" stands for!! The REAL words are (you knew this was coming, didn't you...): COMPACT BLAZEMONGER TERROR and VIOLENCE That's right! CBTV is the ULTIMATE ULTIMATE video game machine!! Hidden inside its miniscule frame (2" x 1" x 1"), CBTV contains SEVEN HUNDRED MILLION of the most HORRIFYING villains, creatures, aliens, mutants, mechanized death machines, monster trucks ("...are coming, coming, COMING!"), Atari salespeople, and other EVIL, SLIME-DRIPPING ARCANE FORCES. And all that stands between them and TOTAL WORLD CONQUEST is... YOU, and your trusty 0.25" joystick! You thought BLAZEMONGER was fast, eh?? Well, you ain't seen NOTHING yet! On the CBTV custom hardware, the images will RIP past your eyes so fast that you'll think that YOU are actually moving! In fact, you WILL be moving, thanks to CBTV's built-in ULTRA-POWERFUL magnet that will carry your body toward the nearest metal object at LIGHTNING SPEED! Bang on the hardware??? OF COURSE!! CBTV has not ten, not twenty, but FIFTY-SIX THOUSAND 128-BIT DMA HARDWARE REGISTERS ready to be POKED... and poked HARD!! SLAMMED, actually, right against the WALL! Pesky registers. They get what they deserve. So, as you can see, all those silly CVTD (or whatever they're called this week) devices are just no comparison. Junk 'em, that's what I say. Incidentally, if anybody is interested in becoming a CBTV developer, send e-mail to BLAZEMONGER@blazemonger.blazemonger.blazemonger.blazemonger. Include your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, number of speeding tickets received, number of speeding tickets OUTRUN, number of calluses on your joystick finger, and a brief history of any violent activity in yourself or close family members, Dan //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ | Dan Barrett, Department of Computer Science Johns Hopkins University | | INTERNET: barrett@cs.jhu.edu | | | COMPUSERVE: >internet:barrett@cs.jhu.edu | UUCP: barrett@jhunix.UUCP | \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////////////// Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved. This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any publication without the written permission of the author. From: barrett@jhunix.HCF.JHU.EDU (Dan Barrett) Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy Subject: The long-awaited History of BLAZEMONGER Keywords: Watch for BLAZEMONGER MLXXVII with 4-D sound Date: 19 Jun 91 07:57:00 GMT Various people have written me e-mail about BLAZEMONGER. So far, the comments look like this: PERCENT COMMENT 54.5% "Don't you have anything BETTER to do at 4:00 am?" 28.0% "Stop wasting bandwidth!" 16.8% "Where can I obtain, er, uh, BUY a copy?" 2.7% "Is your last name REALLY 'Barrett'?" 1.4% "Can't you add to 100% correctly?!?" 0.0003% "Could you tell us the history of BLAZEMONGER?" Well, due to overwhelming popular demand, here it is... the REAL, TRUE, FACTUAL, MAGNIFICENT HISTORY OF BLAZEMONGER. But first, some legalities: ** This REAL TRUE FACTUAL MAGNIFICENT HISTORY is ** ** CopyWright 1991 by Daniel J. BLAZEMONGER. ** ** All rites reserved. Void where permitted. ** Now before reading, please sign the following non-disclosure agreement. "I, __type__your__name__here__, agree that I will not disclose any information about the REAL TRUE FACTUAL MAGNIFICENT HISTORY of BLAZEMONGER unless I really want to." _________________ (fill in .sig) Now that THAT is all out of the way... time for the R.T.F.M. History!! Part I: BEFORE BLAZEMONGER Once, there was a TERRIBLE time in Amiga history. The games sucked. They were SLOW, STUPID, BORING, USELESS, and NOT AT ALL FUN. Totally WIMPY games like "Shadow of the Cheese" dominated the market. These games were written by INEPT PROGRAMMERS who didn't know the difference between a HARDWARE REGISTER and an EXPONENTIAL ALGORITHM. They couldn't tell an OUTPUT from a SHOT PUT. The most COMMON PROGRAM these people ran was a GURU MEDITATION. Believe me, it was PATHETIC. Well, about this time, a group of three Florida doctors had a spare USD 7 million to invest, so they decided to build the ultimate game computer. They... uh... wait a minute. Wrong history. So, about THIS time, a group of ULTIMATE PROGRAMMERS decided that ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH. It was time to write the GAME TO END ALL GAMES. (Literally! In fact, the original plans called for the game to seek out and DESTROY any WIMPY games owned by the user! But for better or worse, this was dropped from the specification when we realized that, to have the best game, you also have to have other games around that are WORSE.) And so, our BRILLIANT PLANNERS and AMAZING CODERS started work on the program. It was a well-kept SECRET. NOBODY was allowed to refer to it by its actual name, so they used CODE NAMES. These names were SO SECRET and SO WELL ENCRYPTED that nobody, not even the people involved, could crack them. So they just tossed out the code names and used the real one. But what was the real name? What should the ULTIMATE GAME be called? Well, the original name chosen was, believe it or not, "Wonk", which is the sound of the user "wonking" a monster on the head. But this name was soon scrapped because it sounded too similar to "Turrican", a VERY WIMPY game. Next, the designers tried the name "Kill Kill Kill" which pleased most everyone, but it STILL sounded too much like "Turrican". But this name was one step closer to a good one, because it had almost enough VIOLENCE in it. Finally, in a sudden BURST OF BRILLIANCE, ALL of the people involved SUDDENLY thought of the SAME NAME SIMULTANEOUSLY! It was a MAGICAL experience! Everybody was STUNNED! Yes!! The game was going to be called... called... "Little Princess Petunia and her Cute, Fluffy Doggie"!! How they CHEERED the decision!! Everybody felt GREAT. Then somebody noticed that the building's air vents were all shut, and truck exhaust fumes had been filtering into the building for the past 2 hours. So everybody went outside, took a few deep breaths, and decided on "BLAZEMONGER." BLAZEMONGER: a name that would strike TERROR into the hearts and text editors of those INCOMPETENT WANNA-BE BASIC PROGRAMMERS at Psychosis, Innerprune, Bitmap Buffoons, Electronic Artichokes, Seagate, and other TOY MANUFACTURERS. Yes, BLAZEMONGER: who could change the course of mighty GAME SALES... bend RKM RULES in its BARE HANDS... and who, disguised as... uh... never mind. Part II: B.M. Hits The Beta-Testers After a careful selection process, 6 BRAVE beta-testers were chosen to try out the game. We watched carefully, from behind our concrete bunker, to see what would happen. Up to this point, nobody had actually tried to play the game. The first beta-tester picked up the BLAZEMONGER game disk and prepared to insert it into the computer. We were all VERY pleased when, as his hand was approaching the drive, the words "GAME OVER" began flashing on the monitor. It was a success!! BLAZEMONGER was the FASTEST GAME EVER WRITTEN. (We sent the rest of the beta-testers home. Dweebs.) Part III: Disaster In The Stores The first shipment of BLAZEMONGER packages was sent to the stores. It was shaped like a PLASTIC EXPLOSIVE wrapped around a LIT STICK of DYNAMITE. This naturally frightened some of the MEEK and WIMPY store owners. But we had expected that this might happen, so we did the appropriate thing: we sent a few of our "support people" to each store, and they beat the hell out of the store owners with blunt instruments. BLAZEMONGER sales improved rapidly. But it wasn't enough. Weedy little jerkoff kids started PIRATING the game. In our first release, you see, we had decided not to use any form of disk-based copy protection. This was not a problem, however, as one of our programmers had lovingly coated the original disks with BUBONIC PLAGUE VIRUS, which was passed on to the illegal copies. However, the original PACKAGING was coated with Bubonic Plague ANTIDOTE. You get the picture? Anyway, that took care of the piracy problem rather quickly. Finally, BLAZEMONGER sales were hurt by a nasty rumor that started floating around on BBS's and USENET. Somebody claimed that, after you turned off your computer, BLAZEMONGER would hide in the battery-backed RAM of the internal clock. This was a VICIOUS LIE!! BLAZEMONGER doesn't NEED any WIMPY batteries!!! If it wanted to, it could hide in your MOUSE!! Or even in the GRIMY DIRT on your RETURN KEY!!! God, don't you ever WASH that thing?!? Makes me sick. Part IV. BLAZEMONGER TRIUMPHANT Nowadays, absolutely EVERYBODY admits that BLAZEMONGER is the ULTIMATE GAME that plays FASTER THAN ANYTHING ELSE. Even though the original game had NO BUGS, we decided to add LOTS OF FEATURES (the feature not to blow up the monitor, the feature not to electrocute the user, etc.), resulting in BLAZEMONGER III, BLAZEMONGER IV, and so on. (There was no BLAZEMONGER II, as it was so BLINDINGLY FAST that it LEAPED out of the computer and up into the STRATOSPHERE before we could play it.) So there you have it: the REAL TRUE FACTUAL MAGNIFICENT HISTORY of BLAZEMONGER... straight from the SOURCE. If you have any questions, we can send some of our "support people" around to straighten you out. Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved. This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any publication without the written permission of the author. Date: 12 Sep 91 02:33:38 GMT Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy From: barrett@cs.umass.edu (Dan Barrett) Subject: Latest BM innovations (was: Valium Hardware Comparisons) Summary: BLAZEMONGER in '92 Keywords: Asmodeus, prongs In various and sundry articles, several gazillion people write: >[OS/2 is God, OS/2 bites, OS/2 is, OS/2 isn't, OS/2 late, etc...] First, I'd like to thank everyone folks for a beautifully reasoned, polite, and fact-filled foray into the world of OS/2. I know I certainly learned a lot. Like how to spell it. Anyway, I am writing with some GOOD NEWS!! Thanks to you, we folks at BLAZEMONGER INC. have decided to port BLAZEMONGER to the OS/2 platform! Yes! This should satisfy all you folks who were planning on upgrading your Amigas to run this fine operating system, but didn't want to lose your GOD-GIVEN RIGHT to BLAST SLIME-BREATHING ALIENS into TINY PIECES OF LUNCH MEAT!! And I don't blame you. But the good news doesn't stop there! Not only are we *porting* BLAZEMONGER... we are actually INTEGRATING BLAZEMONGER with OS/2, to form a NEW, more POWERFUL, and [yes!] more VIOLENT operating system!!! Introducing... B S / 2 Yes, BLAZEMONGER SYSTEM/2 is the FASTEST OPERATING SYSTEM in the KNOWN UNIVERSE!! NOTHING will be able to compete with it!! UNIX, VMS, DOS, Mac OS, Emacs... *all* of these operating systems will SHRIVEL AND DIE in the wake of the MIGHTY BS/2. Get a load of these AWESOME features: o TRUE MULTITASKING! Hundreds or even THOUSANDS of processes all running simultaneously in a BATTLE TO THE DEATH!! o Over 500,000 LEVELS of FILESYSTEM for you to explore!! o Total MEMORY PROTECTION! Any program that attempts to fiddle with another program's memory is BLASTED INTO A MILLION PIECES!! o RESOURCE TRACKING! Thanks to an innovative AUTO-MAPPING facility, you will know EXACTLY where each resource is HIDING!! o An unbelievable, multi-dimensional GUI!! Windows with cracked glass, dripping blood, and UGLY HAGS peering out at you! A mouse pointer shaped like a LASER DEATH RAY! Magic SCROLL BARS covered with RUNES! And every file has TEN ICONS... but nine of them are DEADLY TRAPS!! o Background daemons that are *REALLY* DAEMONS!! When a file is sent to the printer, Yeenoghu Himself will hand you the hardcopy! o Multi-threaded processes, constructed from the very webs of GIANT BLACK WIDOW SPIDERS!! ** PLUS: a unique PROGRAMMER'S INTERFACE... with *TWO* fire buttons!! Yes, it's BS/2! Coming soon to finer retailers all over the MATERIAL PLANE! Hurry and get your copy before IT gets YOU!! Dan //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ | Dan Barrett -- Grad student, Department of Computer & Information Science | | University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA 01003 -- barrett@cs.umass.edu | \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////////////// ps: I probably should respond to a few questions about BLAZEMONGER that I have been receiving by e-mail. It would appear we have a few newcomers on the Net. (?) "What is BLAZEMONGER?" BLAZEMONGER is the FASTEST GAME EVER WRITTEN!! It was coded for MAXIMUM SPEED by DIRECTLY rearranging the magnetic particles on the disk -- no WIMPY programming languages for US!! The game WHIZZES past your scorched eyeballs even before you can TEAR OFF THE SHRINK-WRAP!!! (?) "Where can I get it?" REAL game-players KNOW where to get it. (?) "Gosh, the above sounds suspiciously like a commercial. I suppose you were involved in the creation and/or marketing of the thing? If so, then the message is inappropriate for Usenet, unless of course you'd like to pay us all for distributing it for you." [YES! This is an ACTUAL QUOTE!!] THANK YOU for your insightful remarks. We will try to work your suggestion into a future version of the game. [Snort!] Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved. This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any publication without the written permission of the author. Date: 25 Sep 91 03:05:16 GMT From: barrett@panther.cs.umass.edu (Daniel Barrett) Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy Subject: Re: Blazemonger upgrade Summary: It's spelled "BLAZEMONGER", Heathen Swine! >In article <1991Sep23.013207.25989@muddcs.claremont.edu> nradov@jarthur.claremont.edu (Slippery Jim) writes: >>...score of 9, I realized something had to be done, so... I missed the original article, so I don't know what "nradov" was complaining about here.... However, judging from the small quote above, it sounds like you are not satisfied with some aspect of BLAZEMONGER (note -- all capitals). I advise you to call our Customer Service Department. The toll-free phone number is located on game level 1,984,237,875,338,914,750, just behind the Crazed Mutant Waterbuffalo. If any of you are ever the least bit dissatisfied with BLAZEMONGER, our Customer Service Department is ready to help. They are trained, polite, and helpful. They wouldn't DREAM of being insulting. No sir. They LOVE to help IGNORANT WIMPS who don't know how to play a REAL computer game. No problem is too small -- even TOTALLY STUPID problems that ANYBODY with JELLO FOR BRAINS could SOLVE EFFORTLESSLY. Yes, even if you are a LAZY, DROOLING SCUMFACE who CAN'T EVEN PICK HIS OWN NOSE WITHOUT SPECIAL ASSISTANCE, we will be more than happy to SET YOU STRAIGHT!! >>...I uncompiled the original code and added a new segment that directly >>accesses the Amiga's speach... Well, we strongly advise against disassembling BLAZEMONGER. The code has a special safety feature built in: if you disassemble and then reassemble it, the result comes out BACKWARDS. Yes, you wind up with a copy of "REGNOMEZALB", the SLOWEST game ever written!! It is SO AMAZINGLY SLOW that your Amiga will dry up into DUST and CRUMBLE AWAY *long* before the game starts!! It takes over 104 years just to TURN ON the DRIVE LIGHT!! And don't even ASK about the introductory animation. Just imagine a DEAD SLUG in an OCEAN OF FROZEN MOLASSES and you will BEGIN to get the idea. Needless to say, this will VOID YOUR WARRANTY, and our infamous Customer Service Department will have to come to your house with blunt instruments (to be "helpful"). If you truly have nothing better to do with your time, we can send you a copy of REGNOMEZALB to play. Dan //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ | Dan Barrett -- Grad student, Department of Computer & Information Science | | University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA 01003 -- barrett@cs.umass.edu | \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////////////// Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved. This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any publication without the written permission of the author. From: barrett@cs.umass.edu (Dan Barrett) Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy Subject: SUMMARY of BLAZEMONGER suggestions (long) Date: 28 Oct 91 16:18:42 GMT A few weeks ago, I asked the kind, gentle, and overall wonderful readers of this fine newsgroup to send me suggestions for new features for the next version of BLAZEMONGER. Thank you to everyone who replied!! Thanks to your suggestions, the next version of BLAZEMONGER will be bigger, better, and MORE VIOLENT than EVER!!! Here is a summary of the suggestions, together with my comments (heh heh). In addition, the BEST BLAZEMONGER SUGGESTION WINNER is at the end of this article!! Yes, you have to read the whole darn thing, you WHINER. Our first suggestion comes from Kevin "Mr. Virtual" Whyte (stx@vax1.mankato.msus.edu), who asks: >Well how about Virtual Reality? I saw a segment on VR that had a >lame shoot your opponent with a pistol before yyou get carried off >by a teridactyl(reptilian bird). That sounds like a very good idea! Unfortunately, BLAZEMONGER doesn't NEED any WIMPY VIRTUAL REALITY!! BLAZEMONGER gives you *REAL* REALITY!! YEAH!!! When you shoot a monster with your DEATH RAY LASER CANNON, an ACTUAL ALIEN CREATURE is BLOWN TO BITS on some DISTANT, PEACEFUL PLANET!! Hah! That will teach those aliens not to be so damn peaceful. BTW, what's a "lame"??? Keeping with the theme of virtual and real reality, we have Gregory R. Block (gblock@csd4.csd.uwm.edu) who suggests: >With a simple attachment (pneumatic drill and jackhammer not >supplied), the system can be directly attached to the brain, >allowing .0045 milliseconds of awesome experience! You won't just >see or play the game, you'll be in it!!! Feel the searing heat of >a plasma laser ripping through your body! Jump through acid walls, >and watch the flesh drop from your yellowed, brittle bones! This >attachment makes this game COMPLETELY UNSEPARABLE FROM REALITY! As >a matter of fact, it seeks out and destroys reality, replacing it >with itself! I *LIKE* that!! Especially the part about the drill and jackhammer. It might be FUN to do surgery on our clients. Our next suggestion comes from David "Aw Ma!!" Navas (navas@cory.berkeley.EDU), who drawls: >Well, shee--ught son, I got puhlenty of them there [idea] thingies >just floatin' in the all encompahssing ay-buhndance. >Them thar alien things 'r gettin' mighty tired, Mah here suggests >you ree-place them with Cmdre middle-management, marketroids, >salespeople, and Unix personnal. H*ll son, if Irving Gould can do >it, so can we. Juhst kick the ole disk ruight into that there ole >chunk-chunk drive and fire away.... Teee-erminated, ye-ole' >buzzard breath. Believe it or not, BLAZEMONGER already has this feature! Take a VERY close look at the hoard of slimy, radioactive, tentacled BARF-BREATHERS that attacks you on level 22,054,239. Don't they look slightly... well... PENNSYLVANIAN?? And one of them is wearing a "VISIT SCENIC WEST CHESTER" T-shirt!! But David's family isn't through with suggestions yet: >Mah son here has a few words that he would lihke to expose. > >Espouse, dad -- oh nevermind, you went and got the whole thing >wrong. Dan, see I was just noticing all these suspiciously similar >names -- OS/2, Windows 3.0, Release 2.0, System 7.0, MS-DOS 5.0. >Do you think it's a communist plot? Or is it just a new product >you're developing -- BLAZENAMER or something like that? "You too >can have a fancy sounding package name, including your very own >period." (You'll notice a bug with OS/2 -- apparently a >programming error led to a finger slip from the period to the slash >key. We all know that it was originally planned as OS.2) > >Mom you want to say anything, ma? Ma, put down the gun, now.... > >Mah, jihst rehlahx, you're havin' a little rehlahpse, don' panick... >----- >"Evil, sinful, devil devil -- HATE HATE HATE!!! AAAUGUAUGH Git >back the lot of you and I'll blow it away. It'll eat you alihve, >it's hateful, burning, radiation, poison, searing through your >head, burning your nostrils into charred remains of black seared >carbon, ripping your brain to little tiny..." > >Mah, no Mah, this ain't a TV, ok? > >"Huh, what what what?" > >This ain't a TV, it's a computer, can you say computer, Mom? >----- >Weauhll, me and the boy, we'll take care of her, dohn' you worry >about it. I guess you won't be able to top the hypnotic >mind-numbing effects of TV. Guess they got the ultimate already... Well now, THAT was exciting, wasn't it?!? I think I got an idea for a whole new BLAZEMONGER level from that little interchange. :-) Next, we have "Norman St. John Polevaulter" (MBS110@PSUVM.PSU.EDU), who, for the last few years, has been... uh... wait a minute. Wrong sketch. Hmm... I think I'll have to check through our "Registered Users" database to see if this name actually is in there.... :-) >I want to see hard disk installation in the next version of >BLAZEMONGER. Like, you can install your hard disk into a '67 >Chevy, or something. > >Also it should run properly on A3000's. (I booted up my copy of >BLAZEMONGER III and it flashed "GAME OVER" on the screen like >usual... then my computer EXPLODED! The fire destroyed my room and >I was in the hospital for weeks! Is this a bug?) Plus I think you >should get rid of the "look up the series of digits in the decimal >expansion of pi" protection. Not that the decimal expansion of pi >isn't fascinating reading material in and of itself, but two hours >for copy protection is a bit excessive, isn't it? > >And while you're at it can you port it to the VIC 20 and SuperPET? >Thanks. Oh yeah, one more thing -- last time I called the Customer >Service Department to complain about the way BLAZEMONGER doesn't >multitask, they didn't give me any satisfaction (although they did >send two guys named Luigi and Vito around to break my legs.) Can >you look into this? Sorry, but Luigi and Vito were acting correctly in this case. If you look in your BLAZEMONGER manual, Chapter 238 ("Legalities"), it clearly states that BLAZEMONGER INC. is permitted and even ENCOURAGED to break your legs if it so desires. Just be glad that our licensing agreement isn't as strict as the one for AMIGA UNIX! Can you imagine the TRAGEDY if BLAZEMONGER didn't let you play with more than 2 users?!? We received a porting suggestion from Todd "Mac Weenie" Green (tagreen@bronze.ucs.indiana.edu) who requests: >As you may well know, the Mac game arena is in dire need for a good >game, I think the next version should be ported to the Mac. Of >course I want it to emulate all the Amiga custom chips in software, >without lossing _any_ of it's speed. I want it to FLY!!! To prove >once and for all that the Amiga rules, and it's programmers are the >only true programmers. Of course I want this done yesterday. Todd, I think that Macintosh of yours has INFESTED YOUR BRAIN. Your ONLY HOPE OF SALVATION is to seek out David Navas's "Mah" [see above] and PRAY FOR FORGIVENESS. And speaking of porting BLAZEMONGER, Brent SomethingOrOther (abdwinig@idbsu.idbsu.edu) is sick and tired of the whole issue: >OK Dan, enough of this talk about porting BLAZEMONGER to other >platforms from the Amiga. If the programmers were really good, >they could turn the other platforms into an Amiga! This would be >really nice for Joe consumer since he wouldn't have to scrap his >almost worthless 50Mz 486 & buy an Amiga to play BLAZEMONGER & use >all the other neat Amiga software out there on the market. Now >we're not talking emulation here. I mean, Joe consumer could kiss >that MS-stuff out the window & do some real computing then! Next, Harold H. Ipolyi (ipolyi@sweetpea.jsc.nasa.gov) gave us some keen insight into the Middle-Eastern computer game market, with the humble suggestion to >BLAST SADDAM, of course! Daniel Ortmann (ortmann@plains.nodak.edu) went so far as to give us a complete commercial for a BLAZEMONGER-equipped AMIGA: >Imagine a commercial where a boy is stolling down a grayish street, >from a grayish school, in grayish drab clothes. He is blowing gray >bubble gum. He enters his gray home plugs in his BORING gray >Nintendo and is slouched back in his seat while playing a "Marios >Bros." (The machine has been hacked to half the usually slow >speed.) >[...] >In his boredom he looks out the window to see the kid from across >the street whizzing toward home on bright neon colored >in-line-skates. [The cool kid boots his computer and] starts up a >fighter-plane simulation. ...we see the cool kid rocket through >the skylight of his home in his ejection seat! The boring kid is >startled awake (with mario bros going still on in the background). >He looks out the window to see the cool kid parachuting to earth! >The gaping hole in the house's skylight is clearly evident. >...cool kids mom yells "You forgot to open the skylight again, >didn't you!?" Personally, Daniel (great name, BTW), I don't think this commercial will fly. [Har har har.] After all, who in their RIGHT MIND can get excited about a WIMPY FLIGHT SIMULATOR... EVEN one that ejects your body through the ROOF at HIGH VELOCITY. BLAZEMONGER is the only REAL game for the AMIGA!! In fact, I'll bet that Ethan Solomita would accuse this commercial of using SUBLIMINAL ADVERTISING to convince WIMPY NINTENDO OWNERS that their machines are GREY, and that Commodore prices are going to go THROUGH THE ROOF. But what do I know. Our next suggestion comes from Rick "I Want To Eat Burnt, Dead Bodies" Blewitt (rblewitt@sdcc6.ucsd.edu) who says, in no uncertain terms, that he craves: >More VIOLENCE, I mean at least 1 out of every 10 frames of the >original BLAZEMONGER did not have detailed pictures of some >character getting horribly mutilated in some unspeakable way. I >mean I want to see BLOOD and lots of it, I want to see it on the >screen, on the keyboard, spurting from the mouse, and being sent >through my modem and into the phones of all my friends and while >we're at it to PETA HQ as well!! Yes, I want it SO VIOLENT that >I have to fill out POLICE REPORTS after every game!!!! OK, Rick, you asked for it! The next version of BLAZEMONGER will come with a HOSE ATTACHMENT that you connect from YOUR LEG to the computer! Every time a character is injured, your blood and bone marrow will be SUCKED VIOLENTLY up through the hose and out through the DISK DRIVE, RIGHT INTO YOUR FACE!! WHAT MORE COULD YOU ASK FOR?!?!?!?!?!? HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! Roger Uzun (uzun@pnet01.cts.com) takes a different approach. Everybody knows that BLAZEMONGER doesn't multitask and forces you to boot on its INDESTRUCTABLE original game disk. But it bothers Roger that some people with more powerful Amigas can even TRY to run the game! >My suggestion is that the next step is to have BLAZEMONGER convert >any system it is booted on into the equivalent of a single floppy, >512k Amiga 500 from that point on, and prohibit all multitasking >from that point on. In other words, even if the owner of the >'perverted' Amiga machine reboots, or powers off then on again, his >machine will be effectively reduced to a single floppy 512k A500 >for the rest of its days, and will not allow any form of >multitasking. > >That will teach them who the 'power users' really are! Good idea, Roger! Would you like to volunteer to be a BETA TESTER for this new feature? You supply the machine.... Ives Aerts (gutest8%blekul11.bitnet@cunyvm.cuny.edu) wants more multi-player options: >How about adding some fantastic NULL-modem option so we can all >blazemonge together ? Off course that would have to be an >EVEN-LESS-THAN-NULL-modem since the game is going so fast that >you don't really need all those cables ... You know, Ives, I *really* like the way you made "BLAZEMONGER" into a verb! "To blazemonge"... yeah, I like it I like it!! I'll contact Webster's Dictionary immediately! Finally, we have 2 users who suggested ENTIRELY NEW PRODUCTS for the BLAZEMONGER line. First, K. C. Lee (leek@qucdn.queensu.ca) writes: >I haven't have the chance to play around with the latest >BLAZEMONGER, but this is what a have in mind. Introducing the >ultimate ultra greatest tech breakthrough .... M I N D M O N G E R >(simply awersome) > >Have you ever got too much time on your hands or that you can't >affort or smart enough to use computer brand A ? Do you find >spending days and nights writing flame articles on >comp.sys.computer_a interfere with your social life. You NEED >MINDMONGER. We here at BLAZEMONGER, INCORPORATED have finally make >the technological breakthrough that allows you to play MINDMONGER >in your mind WITHOUT the use of a computer. MINDMONGER runs in >your brain so you can play it wherever you go. It is so amazingly >smart that it would play the game by itself even when you are >asleep or out of your mind. Call now to get your copy of >MINDMONGER !! and then Per Bojsen (bojsen@moria.uucp) writes: >This is not exactly an idea for the new version of Blazemonger... >oops, BLAZEMONGER, but rather an idea for a new product in the >*MONGER series: > > H Y P E M O N G E R > >This product is similar to PHRASEMONGER in that you give it a few >keywords such as the name of your product, and then press a button >to generate a highly hyped description of the product. A special >mode of HYPEMONGER is where you feed it the hype of your >competition (perhaps combined with PHRASEMONGER?) in order to >generate hype that renders the competition's products completely >ridiculous (at best). > >Wanna try HYPEMONGER on BLAZEMONGER? :-) > >A point of warning: Don't try to feed HYPEMONGER output back into >HYPEMONGER . . . Thanks, folks!! We'll try to get MINDMONGER and HYPEMONGER into the stores as soon as possible!! *********** And now... the BEST BLAZEMONGER SUGGESTION WINNER!! Congratulations and a BIG, WET KISS ON THE LIPS OF A SLIMY BARF-BREATHER go to "Name Unknown" (motcid!green!tereszcz@uunet.UU.NET) who suggests: >Dan, how about the next version of BLAZEMONGER will do what >you thought you told it to do instead what you told it. Also >if you play it at work, it will at random either improve your >job performance review, degrade it, degrade your boss's review, >or permanently brain damage your offspring or give you a severe case >of constipation. While dwelling on features how about it making all >users take a brain transplant from amorous mink. Well, there you have it!! Thanks again for all the wonderful suggestions! BLAZEMONGER MMMDDCCLXVII will definitely incorporate many or all of them. And just to show our gratitude, all of you will be sent a FREE COPY of the new version once it becomes available. Be sure to try out Roger Uzun's feature right away!! Dan //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ | Dan Barrett -- Grad student, Department of Computer & Information Science | | University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA 01003 -- barrett@cs.umass.edu | \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////////////// Article 51180 of comp.sys.amiga: Path: jhunix!barrett From: barrett@jhunix.HCF.JHU.EDU (Dan Barrett) Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga Subject: The ONLY way to get RAW, UNBRIDLED SPEED in an Amiga program Keywords: C, assembly, Elvis, prongs Message-ID: <7077@jhunix.HCF.JHU.EDU> Date: 7 Dec 90 17:18:14 GMT Organization: The Johns Hopkins University - HCF Lines: 79 Some folks wrote about: >Subject: Re: Assembler Programming - Costs versus Benefits >Subject: Re: Awesome! Now I am Pi**ed! >Basically, writing a portable program blah blah blah... You people in comp.sys.amiga just don't know what you are TALKING about! It is TOTALLY OBVIOUS to me that NONE of you have EVER WRITTEN a computer program. If you want to see RAW SPEED in an Amiga game, you MUST check out **** B L A Z E M O N G E R **** THIS IS THE FASTEST AMIGA GAME EVER WRITTEN -- NOTHING ELSE EVEN COMES CLOSE! Tired of TURRICAN? Is the BEAST a pussycat?? Does the KILLING GAME SHOW play like RERUNS of HOME SHOPPING NETWORK??? GET A LIFE!!!!! BLAZEMONGER animates at 200 FRAMES PER SECOND -- so blindingly FAST that you need TWO MONITORS just to WATCH THE INTRO!!! Forget C! Forget ASSEMBLER! Forget all those SLOW, WIMPY LANGUAGES!! BLAZEMONGER is written in 100% CRAY YMP MACHINE CODE for the ULTIMATE in SPEED!!! BLAZEMONGER goes DIRECTLY to the AMIGA HARDWARE for unmatched performance. While BLAZEMONGER is being played, warm boots (ctrl-A-A) have ABSOLUTELY NO EFFECT. In fact, you literally CANNOT TURN OFF THE AMIGA because BLAZEMONGER takes over the power switch!! (How's THAT for a safety feature??) At the same time, BLAZEMONGER sends thousands of volts through your power cable, SOLDERING IT TO THE WALL OUTLET, assuring that UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES can you EVER accidentally stop this game. Copy protected? You BET!! BLAZEMONGER uses disk protection, dongle protection, "look up the word in the manual" protection, "look up the word in the DICTIONARY" protection (Webster's 4th edition), 40-number YALE COMBINATION LOCK protection, and an impenetrable TEFLON COATING around the entire disk!!! And for your added safety, your high scores are written to the super-protected MASTER DISK, so the pesky scores CANNOT ESCAPE and post themselves to THOUSANDS OF BULLETIN BOARDS, bragging about their MAGNITUDE! Multitasking? WHO NEEDS IT?!? BLAZEMONGER is SO AMAZINGLY FAST that it takes LESS TIME to COLD BOOT on our custom OS than it does to SWITCH SCREENS!! In the time it takes you to run a stupid "clock" program in the background, you can play FIVE FULL GAMES of BLAZEMONGER!! YOU DON'T NEED ANYTHING ELSE RUNNING!!! Playability? NO CHANCE!! The RAW SPEED of BLAZEMONGER is so WILDLY INTENSE that nobody has EVER beaten this game. You will literally feel WIND AGAINST YOUR FACE as the images WHIP past your glazed eyes. The average player dies in FIFTEEN DIFFERENT WAYS before he can even PLUG IN THE JOYSTICK!!! The best-known high score is in the NEGATIVES!!! Speaking of joysticks... BLAZEMONGER supports 2-button joysticks, 3-button joysticks, 3-button mice, 6-button shirts, 24-button ELEVATOR PANELS, and even 256-button TELEPHONE OPERATOR SWITCHBOARDS to give you precise control over nearly ALL of the 1073 BRAIN-BLASTING ULTIMATE WEAPONS available at ALL TIMES!! Does BLAZEMONGER have a 2-player mode? GET REAL!! BLAZEMONGER supports NINE SIMULTANEOUS PLAYERS through the use of CUSTOM JOYSTICKS. These little beauties can plug into the serial port, parallel port, SCSI port, 2nd-disk-drive port, video port, coprocessor slot, RGB monitor port... even the TWO AUDIO OUTPUTS!! And you can add MORE PLAYERS by modem, FAX, or GENLOCK!! So, you C and assembler wimps... go back to your stupid, lazy, futile, high-level software engineering TRASH. Go play "Monopoly" or something. There is only ONE TRUE GAME for the Amiga, and it is BLAZEMONGER. Only USD 9.95! Look for it in your favorite Amiga software store -- it's the package shaped like a plastic explosive wrapped around a lit stick of dynamite. Dan //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ | Dan Barrett, Department of Computer Science Johns Hopkins University | | INTERNET: barrett@cs.jhu.edu | | | COMPUSERVE: >internet:barrett@cs.jhu.edu | UUCP: barrett@jhunix.UUCP | \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////////////// Copyright 1990 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved. This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any publication without the written permission of the author. Date: Sat, 08 Dec 90 12:04:35 EST From: barrett@server.cs.jhu.edu To: David Tiberio Subject: Re: The ONLY way to get RAW, UNBRIDLED SPEED in an Amiga program >This Blazemonger game sounds really cool. Can nine people really play it >at once? BLAZEMONGER can indeed be played by nine people at once. Fortunately, this WIMPY LIMIT has been overcome in the soon-to-appear "BLAZEMONGER II: THE FINAL BEGINNING". This sequel allows FOUR HUNDRED simultaneous players, provided you have enough bathrooms. >Where can I get it? I haven't seen it advertised in any magazines! BLAZEMONGER is not advertised in any of your WORTHLESS magazines. Real gameplayers KNOW where to get it. >:) I didn't know the audio ports can be INPUTS! They are, if you feed back enough VOLTS into 'em!! The authors of BLAZEMONGER are the ULTIMATE PROGRAMMERS. They can get around ANY such trivial details. (In fact, they are now working on BLAZEMONGER hard-disk installation for people who do not own hard disks.) Dan Copyright 1990 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved. This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any publication without the written permission of the author. Date: 19 Feb 91 15:17:28 GMT From: barrett@jhunix.HCF.JHU.EDU (Dan Barrett) Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy Subject: Re: Blazemonger cheats Keywords: BLAZEMONGER is part of this complete breakfast In article <1991Feb18.173342.11160@zorch.SF-Bay.ORG> mike@zorch.SF-Bay.ORG (Mike Smithwick) writes: >A friend of mine got killed in BLAZEMONGER before he even TURNED ON his >machine. The next version will have an even MORE SOPHISTICATED algorithm; you don't even have to OWN an Amiga to lose the game!! BLAZEMONGER periodically checks your bank account. When it senses that you have enough money to BUY an Amiga, it projects a big, flashing "GAME OVER" message on your wall. >BTW, how do people get thru the copy-protection? I understand that you have >to send the author USD 5.00 each time you want to play, and he'll call up >your machine to enter the 32 digit keycode. This RUMOR is a VICIOUS LIE. It is a thirty-*three* digit code. Dan //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ | Dan Barrett, Department of Computer Science Johns Hopkins University | | INTERNET: barrett@cs.jhu.edu | | | COMPUSERVE: >internet:barrett@cs.jhu.edu | UUCP: barrett@jhunix.UUCP | \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////////////// Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved. This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any publication without the written permission of the author. Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy Subject: New BM (was Re: WHERE THE HELL ARETHE 2.0 ROMS FOR THE 2000 AND 500? Mars???) Keywords: BLAZEMONGER XIV coming soon! In article <11962@helios.TAMU.EDU> n368bq@tamuts.tamu.edu (Raoul Rodriguez) writes: >yea, where is the new copy of BLAZEMONGER anyway.... BLAZEMONGER III will be ready Real Soon Now. It features more graphics, more speed, more sound, more speed, and more SPEED than ever before. And did I mention MORE SPEED? The game is SO FAST that we weren't even able to *write* "BLAZEMONGER II" -- it leaped off the disk and into the upper atmosphere before we could catch it!! >my copy (version .0009) gurued after I completed the first level, .... Your Amiga either has a hardware problem, or you are doing something wrong. BLAZEMONGER has no bugs. I'll bet you are a pirate. >40 seconds of pure excitement, and >to top it all off, I can out with a POSITIVE score of 4!!!!!! I think >this is a new record, (call Guiness).... That is a TRIVIAL score. I have seen TRUE game players get scores of 5 or even 6 after ONLY a few hours of play. Dan //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ | Dan Barrett, Department of Computer Science Johns Hopkins University | | INTERNET: barrett@cs.jhu.edu | | | COMPUSERVE: >internet:barrett@cs.jhu.edu | UUCP: barrett@jhunix.UUCP | \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////////////// Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved. This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any publication without the written permission of the author. From: barrett@jhunix.HCF.JHU.EDU (Dan Barrett) Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy Subject: REAL inter-application communication [was Re: Clipboard etc] Date: 15 Jun 91 21:12:35 GMT I am so glad that everybody is so concerned about clipboard support these days. In fact, thanks to your many insightful, polite, and unbiased clipboard articles, one of your fellow USENETers has requested more clipboard support in BLAZEMONGER. You know, the usual stuff: cutting out levels from another game and importing them into BLAZEMONGER, pasting in pages from actual books, etc. This is an excellent idea. As I'm sure you know from previous postings, BLAZEMONGER is one of the most friendly, well-behaved, totally Intuition-ized programs in existence. Bang on the hardware? We wouldn't DREAM of it! After all, good behavior is more important than speed, right? [Pause.... Spittle begins to drip from the chin....] HAHAHA! If you believe THAT stuff, you've been living on the PLANET WIMPFACE for the last 2 years!! BLAZEMONGER goes RIGHT TO THE METAL for EVERYTHING, even during the CODING! Yes, we code DIRECTLY in BINARY for MAXIMUM SPEED. Assembly is just TOO SLOW, as you ALL know deep in your HEARTS. CLIPBOARD SUPPORT?!? What's the purpose of the Clipboard anyway? To transfer data from one application into another, right? Well, the next release of BLAZEMONGER will do even BETTER than THAT! And FASTER, of course!! Rather than letting you transfer your WIMPY data from another application, BLAZEMONGER comes complete with ALL OF YOUR DATA ALREADY IN IT! Yes, it's true. Thanks to our Microwave Modem Technology, we already have ALL OF YOUR COMPUTER FILES here on our four million billion gigabyte hard drive. And thanks to our latest data compression techniques, we have encoded ALL of this data on the BLAZEMONGER disk. If you need any of it, just ask BLAZEMONGER, and it is INSTANTLY inserted into your currently running game! "But," you say, "what about any *new* data I make after I've bought Blazemonger?" This is a legitimate question, so here's a very reasonable answer. FIRST of all, Mr. SMARTY-PANTS, the name of the game is BLAZEMONGER in ALL CAPITAL LETTERS, because you have to YELL when you say it. GET WITH IT, BUDDY!! And second, it's not an issue! You simply can't MAKE any new data after you buy BLAZEMONGER. Once loaded, it's IMPOSSIBLE to unload the game. In fact, you can't even TURN OFF YOUR COMPUTER because BLAZEMONGER taps directly into the LIVE VOLTAGES in the power supply and conveniently reroutes them to the power switch! This way, you are quickly reminded NEVER to turn off this game. We installed this feature after MANY of our customers requested it. (Well... actually, they requested hard drive installation, but we decided that this is more efficient.) I hope that answers any questions about BLAZEMONGER's Clipboard support. If you have any comments, just put them in a file on one of your disks. We'll read them eventually.... Dan //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ | Dan Barrett - Systems Administrator, Computer Science Department | | The Johns Hopkins University, 34th and Charles Sts., Baltimore, MD 21218 | | INTERNET: barrett@cs.jhu.edu | | | COMPUSERVE: >internet:barrett@cs.jhu.edu | UUCP: barrett@jhunix.UUCP | \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////////////// ps: Thanks to Ray Cromwell for asking us to tackle the Clipboard.... Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved. This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any publication without the written permission of the author. From: barrett@jhunix.HCF.JHU.EDU (Dan Barrett) Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.programmer Subject: Re: Source to OS (Was Re: Information on Amiga Technical Reference Seri) Date: 15 Jun 91 21:50:01 GMT In recent articles, people have asked Commodore to release the source code of the operating system. Since Commodore has decided not to do this, I thought it would get the ball rolling by releasing the source code to BLAZEMONGER. As you are well aware, BLAZEMONGER is the fastest program ever written. On the average, it is finished running just slightly before you reach for your joystick. (Don't worry... it's usually faster in practice.) We figured that the source code would prove instructive to young hardware-bangers eager for MAXIMUM SPEED, but still not sure how to get it. (Hint: you're doing it WRONG.) And next, who knows: perhaps other companies will release THEIR source code too! Then we can all laugh and see how STUPID it is compared to BLAZEMONGER's ultimate form. Aren't we worried about BLAZEMONGER clones being written now, as EVIL, WIMPY companies steal our source code and incorporate it into their own games? GET REAL!!! We fear NOTHING!! In fact, if anybody tries to use even ONE BYTE of BLAZEMONGER code in their programs, even modified beyond recognition, we will know. Trust us, we'll know. You don't want to do this. It will be very bad for your, uh, health. So much for the "legal-ese" portion of our posting. So, without further ado, here it is: the SOURCE CODE FOR BLAZEMONGER, THE FASTEST PROGRAM EVER WRITTEN!! It is in uuencoded format. Simply save it in a file and type "uudecode filename" to decode it. ------------8<----------------- cut here ----------------8<------------------ begin 644 BLAZEMONGER.X end ------------8<----------------- cut here ----------------8<------------------ Enjoy!! Dan //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ | Dan Barrett - Systems Administrator, Computer Science Department | | The Johns Hopkins University, 34th and Charles Sts., Baltimore, MD 21218 | | INTERNET: barrett@cs.jhu.edu | | | COMPUSERVE: >internet:barrett@cs.jhu.edu | UUCP: barrett@jhunix.UUCP | \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////////////// Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved. This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any publication without the written permission of the author. From: barrett@jhunix.HCF.JHU.EDU (Dan Barrett) Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy Subject: Re: CDTV News Date: 17 Jun 91 21:18:12 GMT In article <1991Jun16.130419.21035@ncsu.edu> kdarling@hobbes.catt.ncsu.edu (Kevin Darling) writes: >rjc@wookumz.gnu.ai.mit.edu (Ray Cromwell) writes: >> >>> >>>> [CDTV is great, CD-I is greater, CDTV is greater than greater, etc.] Sigh. CDTV?? CD-I?? These are BOTH very WIMPY ideas. If you want to see a REAL innovation, check out the LATEST in the series of similarly-named, 4-letter video products: Introducing... CBTV! Yes, CBTV! Now, you might think that the "CB" stands for "Citizen's Band", as in "CB radio". After all, it makes a lot of sense to integrate a television set with a CB. It would certainly find its way into 99% of people's homes. (Mainly because we'd sneak in at night and put it there.) But that's NOT what "CBTV" stands for!! The REAL words are (you knew this was coming, didn't you...): COMPACT BLAZEMONGER TERROR and VIOLENCE That's right! CBTV is the ULTIMATE ULTIMATE video game machine!! Hidden inside its miniscule frame (2" x 1" x 1"), CBTV contains SEVEN HUNDRED MILLION of the most HORRIFYING villains, creatures, aliens, mutants, mechanized death machines, monster trucks ("...are coming, coming, COMING!"), Atari salespeople, and other EVIL, SLIME-DRIPPING ARCANE FORCES. And all that stands between them and TOTAL WORLD CONQUEST is... YOU, and your trusty 0.25" joystick! You thought BLAZEMONGER was fast, eh?? Well, you ain't seen NOTHING yet! On the CBTV custom hardware, the images will RIP past your eyes so fast that you'll think that YOU are actually moving! In fact, you WILL be moving, thanks to CBTV's built-in ULTRA-POWERFUL magnet that will carry your body toward the nearest metal object at LIGHTNING SPEED! Bang on the hardware??? OF COURSE!! CBTV has not ten, not twenty, but FIFTY-SIX THOUSAND 128-BIT DMA HARDWARE REGISTERS ready to be POKED... and poked HARD!! SLAMMED, actually, right against the WALL! Pesky registers. They get what they deserve. So, as you can see, all those silly CVTD (or whatever they're called this week) devices are just no comparison. Junk 'em, that's what I say. Incidentally, if anybody is interested in becoming a CBTV developer, send e-mail to BLAZEMONGER@blazemonger.blazemonger.blazemonger.blazemonger. Include your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, number of speeding tickets received, number of speeding tickets OUTRUN, number of calluses on your joystick finger, and a brief history of any violent activity in yourself or close family members, Dan //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ | Dan Barrett, Department of Computer Science Johns Hopkins University | | INTERNET: barrett@cs.jhu.edu | | | COMPUSERVE: >internet:barrett@cs.jhu.edu | UUCP: barrett@jhunix.UUCP | \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////////////// Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved. This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any publication without the written permission of the author. From: barrett@jhunix.HCF.JHU.EDU (Dan Barrett) Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy Subject: The long-awaited History of BLAZEMONGER Keywords: Watch for BLAZEMONGER MLXXVII with 4-D sound Date: 19 Jun 91 07:57:00 GMT Various people have written me e-mail about BLAZEMONGER. So far, the comments look like this: PERCENT COMMENT 54.5% "Don't you have anything BETTER to do at 4:00 am?" 28.0% "Stop wasting bandwidth!" 16.8% "Where can I obtain, er, uh, BUY a copy?" 2.7% "Is your last name REALLY 'Barrett'?" 1.4% "Can't you add to 100% correctly?!?" 0.0003% "Could you tell us the history of BLAZEMONGER?" Well, due to overwhelming popular demand, here it is... the REAL, TRUE, FACTUAL, MAGNIFICENT HISTORY OF BLAZEMONGER. But first, some legalities: ** This REAL TRUE FACTUAL MAGNIFICENT HISTORY is ** ** CopyWright 1991 by Daniel J. BLAZEMONGER. ** ** All rites reserved. Void where permitted. ** Now before reading, please sign the following non-disclosure agreement. "I, __type__your__name__here__, agree that I will not disclose any information about the REAL TRUE FACTUAL MAGNIFICENT HISTORY of BLAZEMONGER unless I really want to." _________________ (fill in .sig) Now that THAT is all out of the way... time for the R.T.F.M. History!! Part I: BEFORE BLAZEMONGER Once, there was a TERRIBLE time in Amiga history. The games sucked. They were SLOW, STUPID, BORING, USELESS, and NOT AT ALL FUN. Totally WIMPY games like "Shadow of the Cheese" dominated the market. These games were written by INEPT PROGRAMMERS who didn't know the difference between a HARDWARE REGISTER and an EXPONENTIAL ALGORITHM. They couldn't tell an OUTPUT from a SHOT PUT. The most COMMON PROGRAM these people ran was a GURU MEDITATION. Believe me, it was PATHETIC. Well, about this time, a group of three Florida doctors had a spare USD 7 million to invest, so they decided to build the ultimate game computer. They... uh... wait a minute. Wrong history. So, about THIS time, a group of ULTIMATE PROGRAMMERS decided that ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH. It was time to write the GAME TO END ALL GAMES. (Literally! In fact, the original plans called for the game to seek out and DESTROY any WIMPY games owned by the user! But for better or worse, this was dropped from the specification when we realized that, to have the best game, you also have to have other games around that are WORSE.) And so, our BRILLIANT PLANNERS and AMAZING CODERS started work on the program. It was a well-kept SECRET. NOBODY was allowed to refer to it by its actual name, so they used CODE NAMES. These names were SO SECRET and SO WELL ENCRYPTED that nobody, not even the people involved, could crack them. So they just tossed out the code names and used the real one. But what was the real name? What should the ULTIMATE GAME be called? Well, the original name chosen was, believe it or not, "Wonk", which is the sound of the user "wonking" a monster on the head. But this name was soon scrapped because it sounded too similar to "Turrican", a VERY WIMPY game. Next, the designers tried the name "Kill Kill Kill" which pleased most everyone, but it STILL sounded too much like "Turrican". But this name was one step closer to a good one, because it had almost enough VIOLENCE in it. Finally, in a sudden BURST OF BRILLIANCE, ALL of the people involved SUDDENLY thought of the SAME NAME SIMULTANEOUSLY! It was a MAGICAL experience! Everybody was STUNNED! Yes!! The game was going to be called... called... "Little Princess Petunia and her Cute, Fluffy Doggie"!! How they CHEERED the decision!! Everybody felt GREAT. Then somebody noticed that the building's air vents were all shut, and truck exhaust fumes had been filtering into the building for the past 2 hours. So everybody went outside, took a few deep breaths, and decided on "BLAZEMONGER." BLAZEMONGER: a name that would strike TERROR into the hearts and text editors of those INCOMPETENT WANNA-BE BASIC PROGRAMMERS at Psychosis, Innerprune, Bitmap Buffoons, Electronic Artichokes, Seagate, and other TOY MANUFACTURERS. Yes, BLAZEMONGER: who could change the course of mighty GAME SALES... bend RKM RULES in its BARE HANDS... and who, disguised as... uh... never mind. Part II: B.M. Hits The Beta-Testers After a careful selection process, 6 BRAVE beta-testers were chosen to try out the game. We watched carefully, from behind our concrete bunker, to see what would happen. Up to this point, nobody had actually tried to play the game. The first beta-tester picked up the BLAZEMONGER game disk and prepared to insert it into the computer. We were all VERY pleased when, as his hand was approaching the drive, the words "GAME OVER" began flashing on the monitor. It was a success!! BLAZEMONGER was the FASTEST GAME EVER WRITTEN. (We sent the rest of the beta-testers home. Dweebs.) Part III: Disaster In The Stores The first shipment of BLAZEMONGER packages was sent to the stores. It was shaped like a PLASTIC EXPLOSIVE wrapped around a LIT STICK of DYNAMITE. This naturally frightened some of the MEEK and WIMPY store owners. But we had expected that this might happen, so we did the appropriate thing: we sent a few of our "support people" to each store, and they beat the hell out of the store owners with blunt instruments. BLAZEMONGER sales improved rapidly. But it wasn't enough. Weedy little jerkoff kids started PIRATING the game. In our first release, you see, we had decided not to use any form of disk-based copy protection. This was not a problem, however, as one of our programmers had lovingly coated the original disks with BUBONIC PLAGUE VIRUS, which was passed on to the illegal copies. However, the original PACKAGING was coated with Bubonic Plague ANTIDOTE. You get the picture? Anyway, that took care of the piracy problem rather quickly. Finally, BLAZEMONGER sales were hurt by a nasty rumor that started floating around on BBS's and USENET. Somebody claimed that, after you turned off your computer, BLAZEMONGER would hide in the battery-backed RAM of the internal clock. This was a VICIOUS LIE!! BLAZEMONGER doesn't NEED any WIMPY batteries!!! If it wanted to, it could hide in your MOUSE!! Or even in the GRIMY DIRT on your RETURN KEY!!! God, don't you ever WASH that thing?!? Makes me sick. Part IV. BLAZEMONGER TRIUMPHANT Nowadays, absolutely EVERYBODY admits that BLAZEMONGER is the ULTIMATE GAME that plays FASTER THAN ANYTHING ELSE. Even though the original game had NO BUGS, we decided to add LOTS OF FEATURES (the feature not to blow up the monitor, the feature not to electrocute the user, etc.), resulting in BLAZEMONGER III, BLAZEMONGER IV, and so on. (There was no BLAZEMONGER II, as it was so BLINDINGLY FAST that it LEAPED out of the computer and up into the STRATOSPHERE before we could play it.) So there you have it: the REAL TRUE FACTUAL MAGNIFICENT HISTORY of BLAZEMONGER... straight from the SOURCE. If you have any questions, we can send some of our "support people" around to straighten you out. Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved. This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any publication without the written permission of the author. Date: 12 Sep 91 02:33:38 GMT Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy From: barrett@cs.umass.edu (Dan Barrett) Subject: Latest BM innovations (was: Valium Hardware Comparisons) Summary: BLAZEMONGER in '92 Keywords: Asmodeus, prongs In various and sundry articles, several gazillion people write: >[OS/2 is God, OS/2 bites, OS/2 is, OS/2 isn't, OS/2 late, etc...] First, I'd like to thank everyone folks for a beautifully reasoned, polite, and fact-filled foray into the world of OS/2. I know I certainly learned a lot. Like how to spell it. Anyway, I am writing with some GOOD NEWS!! Thanks to you, we folks at BLAZEMONGER INC. have decided to port BLAZEMONGER to the OS/2 platform! Yes! This should satisfy all you folks who were planning on upgrading your Amigas to run this fine operating system, but didn't want to lose your GOD-GIVEN RIGHT to BLAST SLIME-BREATHING ALIENS into TINY PIECES OF LUNCH MEAT!! And I don't blame you. But the good news doesn't stop there! Not only are we *porting* BLAZEMONGER... we are actually INTEGRATING BLAZEMONGER with OS/2, to form a NEW, more POWERFUL, and [yes!] more VIOLENT operating system!!! Introducing... B S / 2 Yes, BLAZEMONGER SYSTEM/2 is the FASTEST OPERATING SYSTEM in the KNOWN UNIVERSE!! NOTHING will be able to compete with it!! UNIX, VMS, DOS, Mac OS, Emacs... *all* of these operating systems will SHRIVEL AND DIE in the wake of the MIGHTY BS/2. Get a load of these AWESOME features: o TRUE MULTITASKING! Hundreds or even THOUSANDS of processes all running simultaneously in a BATTLE TO THE DEATH!! o Over 500,000 LEVELS of FILESYSTEM for you to explore!! o Total MEMORY PROTECTION! Any program that attempts to fiddle with another program's memory is BLASTED INTO A MILLION PIECES!! o RESOURCE TRACKING! Thanks to an innovative AUTO-MAPPING facility, you will know EXACTLY where each resource is HIDING!! o An unbelievable, multi-dimensional GUI!! Windows with cracked glass, dripping blood, and UGLY HAGS peering out at you! A mouse pointer shaped like a LASER DEATH RAY! Magic SCROLL BARS covered with RUNES! And every file has TEN ICONS... but nine of them are DEADLY TRAPS!! o Background daemons that are *REALLY* DAEMONS!! When a file is sent to the printer, Yeenoghu Himself will hand you the hardcopy! o Multi-threaded processes, constructed from the very webs of GIANT BLACK WIDOW SPIDERS!! ** PLUS: a unique PROGRAMMER'S INTERFACE... with *TWO* fire buttons!! Yes, it's BS/2! Coming soon to finer retailers all over the MATERIAL PLANE! Hurry and get your copy before IT gets YOU!! Dan //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ | Dan Barrett -- Grad student, Department of Computer & Information Science | | University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA 01003 -- barrett@cs.umass.edu | \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////////////// ps: I probably should respond to a few questions about BLAZEMONGER that I have been receiving by e-mail. It would appear we have a few newcomers on the Net. (?) "What is BLAZEMONGER?" BLAZEMONGER is the FASTEST GAME EVER WRITTEN!! It was coded for MAXIMUM SPEED by DIRECTLY rearranging the magnetic particles on the disk -- no WIMPY programming languages for US!! The game WHIZZES past your scorched eyeballs even before you can TEAR OFF THE SHRINK-WRAP!!! (?) "Where can I get it?" REAL game-players KNOW where to get it. (?) "Gosh, the above sounds suspiciously like a commercial. I suppose you were involved in the creation and/or marketing of the thing? If so, then the message is inappropriate for Usenet, unless of course you'd like to pay us all for distributing it for you." [YES! This is an ACTUAL QUOTE!!] THANK YOU for your insightful remarks. We will try to work your suggestion into a future version of the game. [Snort!] Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved. This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any publication without the written permission of the author. Date: 25 Sep 91 03:05:16 GMT From: barrett@panther.cs.umass.edu (Daniel Barrett) Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy Subject: Re: Blazemonger upgrade Summary: It's spelled "BLAZEMONGER", Heathen Swine! >In article <1991Sep23.013207.25989@muddcs.claremont.edu> nradov@jarthur.claremont.edu (Slippery Jim) writes: >>...score of 9, I realized something had to be done, so... I missed the original article, so I don't know what "nradov" was complaining about here.... However, judging from the small quote above, it sounds like you are not satisfied with some aspect of BLAZEMONGER (note -- all capitals). I advise you to call our Customer Service Department. The toll-free phone number is located on game level 1,984,237,875,338,914,750, just behind the Crazed Mutant Waterbuffalo. If any of you are ever the least bit dissatisfied with BLAZEMONGER, our Customer Service Department is ready to help. They are trained, polite, and helpful. They wouldn't DREAM of being insulting. No sir. They LOVE to help IGNORANT WIMPS who don't know how to play a REAL computer game. No problem is too small -- even TOTALLY STUPID problems that ANYBODY with JELLO FOR BRAINS could SOLVE EFFORTLESSLY. Yes, even if you are a LAZY, DROOLING SCUMFACE who CAN'T EVEN PICK HIS OWN NOSE WITHOUT SPECIAL ASSISTANCE, we will be more than happy to SET YOU STRAIGHT!! >>...I uncompiled the original code and added a new segment that directly >>accesses the Amiga's speach... Well, we strongly advise against disassembling BLAZEMONGER. The code has a special safety feature built in: if you disassemble and then reassemble it, the result comes out BACKWARDS. Yes, you wind up with a copy of "REGNOMEZALB", the SLOWEST game ever written!! It is SO AMAZINGLY SLOW that your Amiga will dry up into DUST and CRUMBLE AWAY *long* before the game starts!! It takes over 104 years just to TURN ON the DRIVE LIGHT!! And don't even ASK about the introductory animation. Just imagine a DEAD SLUG in an OCEAN OF FROZEN MOLASSES and you will BEGIN to get the idea. Needless to say, this will VOID YOUR WARRANTY, and our infamous Customer Service Department will have to come to your house with blunt instruments (to be "helpful"). If you truly have nothing better to do with your time, we can send you a copy of REGNOMEZALB to play. Dan //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ | Dan Barrett -- Grad student, Department of Computer & Information Science | | University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA 01003 -- barrett@cs.umass.edu | \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////////////// Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved. This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any publication without the written permission of the author. From: barrett@cs.umass.edu (Dan Barrett) Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy Subject: SUMMARY of BLAZEMONGER suggestions (long) Date: 28 Oct 91 16:18:42 GMT A few weeks ago, I asked the kind, gentle, and overall wonderful readers of this fine newsgroup to send me suggestions for new features for the next version of BLAZEMONGER. Thank you to everyone who replied!! Thanks to your suggestions, the next version of BLAZEMONGER will be bigger, better, and MORE VIOLENT than EVER!!! Here is a summary of the suggestions, together with my comments (heh heh). In addition, the BEST BLAZEMONGER SUGGESTION WINNER is at the end of this article!! Yes, you have to read the whole darn thing, you WHINER. Our first suggestion comes from Kevin "Mr. Virtual" Whyte (stx@vax1.mankato.msus.edu), who asks: >Well how about Virtual Reality? I saw a segment on VR that had a >lame shoot your opponent with a pistol before yyou get carried off >by a teridactyl(reptilian bird). That sounds like a very good idea! Unfortunately, BLAZEMONGER doesn't NEED any WIMPY VIRTUAL REALITY!! BLAZEMONGER gives you *REAL* REALITY!! YEAH!!! When you shoot a monster with your DEATH RAY LASER CANNON, an ACTUAL ALIEN CREATURE is BLOWN TO BITS on some DISTANT, PEACEFUL PLANET!! Hah! That will teach those aliens not to be so damn peaceful. BTW, what's a "lame"??? Keeping with the theme of virtual and real reality, we have Gregory R. Block (gblock@csd4.csd.uwm.edu) who suggests: >With a simple attachment (pneumatic drill and jackhammer not >supplied), the system can be directly attached to the brain, >allowing .0045 milliseconds of awesome experience! You won't just >see or play the game, you'll be in it!!! Feel the searing heat of >a plasma laser ripping through your body! Jump through acid walls, >and watch the flesh drop from your yellowed, brittle bones! This >attachment makes this game COMPLETELY UNSEPARABLE FROM REALITY! As >a matter of fact, it seeks out and destroys reality, replacing it >with itself! I *LIKE* that!! Especially the part about the drill and jackhammer. It might be FUN to do surgery on our clients. Our next suggestion comes from David "Aw Ma!!" Navas (navas@cory.berkeley.EDU), who drawls: >Well, shee--ught son, I got puhlenty of them there [idea] thingies >just floatin' in the all encompahssing ay-buhndance. >Them thar alien things 'r gettin' mighty tired, Mah here suggests >you ree-place them with Cmdre middle-management, marketroids, >salespeople, and Unix personnal. H*ll son, if Irving Gould can do >it, so can we. Juhst kick the ole disk ruight into that there ole >chunk-chunk drive and fire away.... Teee-erminated, ye-ole' >buzzard breath. Believe it or not, BLAZEMONGER already has this feature! Take a VERY close look at the hoard of slimy, radioactive, tentacled BARF-BREATHERS that attacks you on level 22,054,239. Don't they look slightly... well... PENNSYLVANIAN?? And one of them is wearing a "VISIT SCENIC WEST CHESTER" T-shirt!! But David's family isn't through with suggestions yet: >Mah son here has a few words that he would lihke to expose. > >Espouse, dad -- oh nevermind, you went and got the whole thing >wrong. Dan, see I was just noticing all these suspiciously similar >names -- OS/2, Windows 3.0, Release 2.0, System 7.0, MS-DOS 5.0. >Do you think it's a communist plot? Or is it just a new product >you're developing -- BLAZENAMER or something like that? "You too >can have a fancy sounding package name, including your very own >period." (You'll notice a bug with OS/2 -- apparently a >programming error led to a finger slip from the period to the slash >key. We all know that it was originally planned as OS.2) > >Mom you want to say anything, ma? Ma, put down the gun, now.... > >Mah, jihst rehlahx, you're havin' a little rehlahpse, don' panick... >----- >"Evil, sinful, devil devil -- HATE HATE HATE!!! AAAUGUAUGH Git >back the lot of you and I'll blow it away. It'll eat you alihve, >it's hateful, burning, radiation, poison, searing through your >head, burning your nostrils into charred remains of black seared >carbon, ripping your brain to little tiny..." > >Mah, no Mah, this ain't a TV, ok? > >"Huh, what what what?" > >This ain't a TV, it's a computer, can you say computer, Mom? >----- >Weauhll, me and the boy, we'll take care of her, dohn' you worry >about it. I guess you won't be able to top the hypnotic >mind-numbing effects of TV. Guess they got the ultimate already... Well now, THAT was exciting, wasn't it?!? I think I got an idea for a whole new BLAZEMONGER level from that little interchange. :-) Next, we have "Norman St. John Polevaulter" (MBS110@PSUVM.PSU.EDU), who, for the last few years, has been... uh... wait a minute. Wrong sketch. Hmm... I think I'll have to check through our "Registered Users" database to see if this name actually is in there.... :-) >I want to see hard disk installation in the next version of >BLAZEMONGER. Like, you can install your hard disk into a '67 >Chevy, or something. > >Also it should run properly on A3000's. (I booted up my copy of >BLAZEMONGER III and it flashed "GAME OVER" on the screen like >usual... then my computer EXPLODED! The fire destroyed my room and >I was in the hospital for weeks! Is this a bug?) Plus I think you >should get rid of the "look up the series of digits in the decimal >expansion of pi" protection. Not that the decimal expansion of pi >isn't fascinating reading material in and of itself, but two hours >for copy protection is a bit excessive, isn't it? > >And while you're at it can you port it to the VIC 20 and SuperPET? >Thanks. Oh yeah, one more thing -- last time I called the Customer >Service Department to complain about the way BLAZEMONGER doesn't >multitask, they didn't give me any satisfaction (although they did >send two guys named Luigi and Vito around to break my legs.) Can >you look into this? Sorry, but Luigi and Vito were acting correctly in this case. If you look in your BLAZEMONGER manual, Chapter 238 ("Legalities"), it clearly states that BLAZEMONGER INC. is permitted and even ENCOURAGED to break your legs if it so desires. Just be glad that our licensing agreement isn't as strict as the one for AMIGA UNIX! Can you imagine the TRAGEDY if BLAZEMONGER didn't let you play with more than 2 users?!? We received a porting suggestion from Todd "Mac Weenie" Green (tagreen@bronze.ucs.indiana.edu) who requests: >As you may well know, the Mac game arena is in dire need for a good >game, I think the next version should be ported to the Mac. Of >course I want it to emulate all the Amiga custom chips in software, >without lossing _any_ of it's speed. I want it to FLY!!! To prove >once and for all that the Amiga rules, and it's programmers are the >only true programmers. Of course I want this done yesterday. Todd, I think that Macintosh of yours has INFESTED YOUR BRAIN. Your ONLY HOPE OF SALVATION is to seek out David Navas's "Mah" [see above] and PRAY FOR FORGIVENESS. And speaking of porting BLAZEMONGER, Brent SomethingOrOther (abdwinig@idbsu.idbsu.edu) is sick and tired of the whole issue: >OK Dan, enough of this talk about porting BLAZEMONGER to other >platforms from the Amiga. If the programmers were really good, >they could turn the other platforms into an Amiga! This would be >really nice for Joe consumer since he wouldn't have to scrap his >almost worthless 50Mz 486 & buy an Amiga to play BLAZEMONGER & use >all the other neat Amiga software out there on the market. Now >we're not talking emulation here. I mean, Joe consumer could kiss >that MS-stuff out the window & do some real computing then! Next, Harold H. Ipolyi (ipolyi@sweetpea.jsc.nasa.gov) gave us some keen insight into the Middle-Eastern computer game market, with the humble suggestion to >BLAST SADDAM, of course! Daniel Ortmann (ortmann@plains.nodak.edu) went so far as to give us a complete commercial for a BLAZEMONGER-equipped AMIGA: >Imagine a commercial where a boy is stolling down a grayish street, >from a grayish school, in grayish drab clothes. He is blowing gray >bubble gum. He enters his gray home plugs in his BORING gray >Nintendo and is slouched back in his seat while playing a "Marios >Bros." (The machine has been hacked to half the usually slow >speed.) >[...] >In his boredom he looks out the window to see the kid from across >the street whizzing toward home on bright neon colored >in-line-skates. [The cool kid boots his computer and] starts up a >fighter-plane simulation. ...we see the cool kid rocket through >the skylight of his home in his ejection seat! The boring kid is >startled awake (with mario bros going still on in the background). >He looks out the window to see the cool kid parachuting to earth! >The gaping hole in the house's skylight is clearly evident. >...cool kids mom yells "You forgot to open the skylight again, >didn't you!?" Personally, Daniel (great name, BTW), I don't think this commercial will fly. [Har har har.] After all, who in their RIGHT MIND can get excited about a WIMPY FLIGHT SIMULATOR... EVEN one that ejects your body through the ROOF at HIGH VELOCITY. BLAZEMONGER is the only REAL game for the AMIGA!! In fact, I'll bet that Ethan Solomita would accuse this commercial of using SUBLIMINAL ADVERTISING to convince WIMPY NINTENDO OWNERS that their machines are GREY, and that Commodore prices are going to go THROUGH THE ROOF. But what do I know. Our next suggestion comes from Rick "I Want To Eat Burnt, Dead Bodies" Blewitt (rblewitt@sdcc6.ucsd.edu) who says, in no uncertain terms, that he craves: >More VIOLENCE, I mean at least 1 out of every 10 frames of the >original BLAZEMONGER did not have detailed pictures of some >character getting horribly mutilated in some unspeakable way. I >mean I want to see BLOOD and lots of it, I want to see it on the >screen, on the keyboard, spurting from the mouse, and being sent >through my modem and into the phones of all my friends and while >we're at it to PETA HQ as well!! Yes, I want it SO VIOLENT that >I have to fill out POLICE REPORTS after every game!!!! OK, Rick, you asked for it! The next version of BLAZEMONGER will come with a HOSE ATTACHMENT that you connect from YOUR LEG to the computer! Every time a character is injured, your blood and bone marrow will be SUCKED VIOLENTLY up through the hose and out through the DISK DRIVE, RIGHT INTO YOUR FACE!! WHAT MORE COULD YOU ASK FOR?!?!?!?!?!? HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! Roger Uzun (uzun@pnet01.cts.com) takes a different approach. Everybody knows that BLAZEMONGER doesn't multitask and forces you to boot on its INDESTRUCTABLE original game disk. But it bothers Roger that some people with more powerful Amigas can even TRY to run the game! >My suggestion is that the next step is to have BLAZEMONGER convert >any system it is booted on into the equivalent of a single floppy, >512k Amiga 500 from that point on, and prohibit all multitasking >from that point on. In other words, even if the owner of the >'perverted' Amiga machine reboots, or powers off then on again, his >machine will be effectively reduced to a single floppy 512k A500 >for the rest of its days, and will not allow any form of >multitasking. > >That will teach them who the 'power users' really are! Good idea, Roger! Would you like to volunteer to be a BETA TESTER for this new feature? You supply the machine.... Ives Aerts (gutest8%blekul11.bitnet@cunyvm.cuny.edu) wants more multi-player options: >How about adding some fantastic NULL-modem option so we can all >blazemonge together ? Off course that would have to be an >EVEN-LESS-THAN-NULL-modem since the game is going so fast that >you don't really need all those cables ... You know, Ives, I *really* like the way you made "BLAZEMONGER" into a verb! "To blazemonge"... yeah, I like it I like it!! I'll contact Webster's Dictionary immediately! Finally, we have 2 users who suggested ENTIRELY NEW PRODUCTS for the BLAZEMONGER line. First, K. C. Lee (leek@qucdn.queensu.ca) writes: >I haven't have the chance to play around with the latest >BLAZEMONGER, but this is what a have in mind. Introducing the >ultimate ultra greatest tech breakthrough .... M I N D M O N G E R >(simply awersome) > >Have you ever got too much time on your hands or that you can't >affort or smart enough to use computer brand A ? Do you find >spending days and nights writing flame articles on >comp.sys.computer_a interfere with your social life. You NEED >MINDMONGER. We here at BLAZEMONGER, INCORPORATED have finally make >the technological breakthrough that allows you to play MINDMONGER >in your mind WITHOUT the use of a computer. MINDMONGER runs in >your brain so you can play it wherever you go. It is so amazingly >smart that it would play the game by itself even when you are >asleep or out of your mind. Call now to get your copy of >MINDMONGER !! and then Per Bojsen (bojsen@moria.uucp) writes: >This is not exactly an idea for the new version of Blazemonger... >oops, BLAZEMONGER, but rather an idea for a new product in the >*MONGER series: > > H Y P E M O N G E R > >This product is similar to PHRASEMONGER in that you give it a few >keywords such as the name of your product, and then press a button >to generate a highly hyped description of the product. A special >mode of HYPEMONGER is where you feed it the hype of your >competition (perhaps combined with PHRASEMONGER?) in order to >generate hype that renders the competition's products completely >ridiculous (at best). > >Wanna try HYPEMONGER on BLAZEMONGER? :-) > >A point of warning: Don't try to feed HYPEMONGER output back into >HYPEMONGER . . . Thanks, folks!! We'll try to get MINDMONGER and HYPEMONGER into the stores as soon as possible!! *********** And now... the BEST BLAZEMONGER SUGGESTION WINNER!! Congratulations and a BIG, WET KISS ON THE LIPS OF A SLIMY BARF-BREATHER go to "Name Unknown" (motcid!green!tereszcz@uunet.UU.NET) who suggests: >Dan, how about the next version of BLAZEMONGER will do what >you thought you told it to do instead what you told it. Also >if you play it at work, it will at random either improve your >job performance review, degrade it, degrade your boss's review, >or permanently brain damage your offspring or give you a severe case >of constipation. While dwelling on features how about it making all >users take a brain transplant from amorous mink. Well, there you have it!! Thanks again for all the wonderful suggestions! BLAZEMONGER MMMDDCCLXVII will definitely incorporate many or all of them. And just to show our gratitude, all of you will be sent a FREE COPY of the new version once it becomes available. Be sure to try out Roger Uzun's feature right away!! Dan //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ | Dan Barrett -- Grad student, Department of Computer & Information Science | | University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA 01003 -- barrett@cs.umass.edu | \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////////////// Article 51180 of comp.sys.amiga: Path: jhunix!barrett From: barrett@jhunix.HCF.JHU.EDU (Dan Barrett) Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga Subject: The ONLY way to get RAW, UNBRIDLED SPEED in an Amiga program Keywords: C, assembly, Elvis, prongs Message-ID: <7077@jhunix.HCF.JHU.EDU> Date: 7 Dec 90 17:18:14 GMT Organization: The Johns Hopkins University - HCF Lines: 79 Some folks wrote about: >Subject: Re: Assembler Programming - Costs versus Benefits >Subject: Re: Awesome! Now I am Pi**ed! >Basically, writing a portable program blah blah blah... You people in comp.sys.amiga just don't know what you are TALKING about! It is TOTALLY OBVIOUS to me that NONE of you have EVER WRITTEN a computer program. If you want to see RAW SPEED in an Amiga game, you MUST check out **** B L A Z E M O N G E R **** THIS IS THE FASTEST AMIGA GAME EVER WRITTEN -- NOTHING ELSE EVEN COMES CLOSE! Tired of TURRICAN? Is the BEAST a pussycat?? Does the KILLING GAME SHOW play like RERUNS of HOME SHOPPING NETWORK??? GET A LIFE!!!!! BLAZEMONGER animates at 200 FRAMES PER SECOND -- so blindingly FAST that you need TWO MONITORS just to WATCH THE INTRO!!! Forget C! Forget ASSEMBLER! Forget all those SLOW, WIMPY LANGUAGES!! BLAZEMONGER is written in 100% CRAY YMP MACHINE CODE for the ULTIMATE in SPEED!!! BLAZEMONGER goes DIRECTLY to the AMIGA HARDWARE for unmatched performance. While BLAZEMONGER is being played, warm boots (ctrl-A-A) have ABSOLUTELY NO EFFECT. In fact, you literally CANNOT TURN OFF THE AMIGA because BLAZEMONGER takes over the power switch!! (How's THAT for a safety feature??) At the same time, BLAZEMONGER sends thousands of volts through your power cable, SOLDERING IT TO THE WALL OUTLET, assuring that UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES can you EVER accidentally stop this game. Copy protected? You BET!! BLAZEMONGER uses disk protection, dongle protection, "look up the word in the manual" protection, "look up the word in the DICTIONARY" protection (Webster's 4th edition), 40-number YALE COMBINATION LOCK protection, and an impenetrable TEFLON COATING around the entire disk!!! And for your added safety, your high scores are written to the super-protected MASTER DISK, so the pesky scores CANNOT ESCAPE and post themselves to THOUSANDS OF BULLETIN BOARDS, bragging about their MAGNITUDE! Multitasking? WHO NEEDS IT?!? BLAZEMONGER is SO AMAZINGLY FAST that it takes LESS TIME to COLD BOOT on our custom OS than it does to SWITCH SCREENS!! In the time it takes you to run a stupid "clock" program in the background, you can play FIVE FULL GAMES of BLAZEMONGER!! YOU DON'T NEED ANYTHING ELSE RUNNING!!! Playability? NO CHANCE!! The RAW SPEED of BLAZEMONGER is so WILDLY INTENSE that nobody has EVER beaten this game. You will literally feel WIND AGAINST YOUR FACE as the images WHIP past your glazed eyes. The average player dies in FIFTEEN DIFFERENT WAYS before he can even PLUG IN THE JOYSTICK!!! The best-known high score is in the NEGATIVES!!! Speaking of joysticks... BLAZEMONGER supports 2-button joysticks, 3-button joysticks, 3-button mice, 6-button shirts, 24-button ELEVATOR PANELS, and even 256-button TELEPHONE OPERATOR SWITCHBOARDS to give you precise control over nearly ALL of the 1073 BRAIN-BLASTING ULTIMATE WEAPONS available at ALL TIMES!! Does BLAZEMONGER have a 2-player mode? GET REAL!! BLAZEMONGER supports NINE SIMULTANEOUS PLAYERS through the use of CUSTOM JOYSTICKS. These little beauties can plug into the serial port, parallel port, SCSI port, 2nd-disk-drive port, video port, coprocessor slot, RGB monitor port... even the TWO AUDIO OUTPUTS!! And you can add MORE PLAYERS by modem, FAX, or GENLOCK!! So, you C and assembler wimps... go back to your stupid, lazy, futile, high-level software engineering TRASH. Go play "Monopoly" or something. There is only ONE TRUE GAME for the Amiga, and it is BLAZEMONGER. Only USD 9.95! Look for it in your favorite Amiga software store -- it's the package shaped like a plastic explosive wrapped around a lit stick of dynamite. Dan //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ | Dan Barrett, Department of Computer Science Johns Hopkins University | | INTERNET: barrett@cs.jhu.edu | | | COMPUSERVE: >internet:barrett@cs.jhu.edu | UUCP: barrett@jhunix.UUCP | \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////////////// Copyright 1990 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved. This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any publication without the written permission of the author. Date: Sat, 08 Dec 90 12:04:35 EST From: barrett@server.cs.jhu.edu To: David Tiberio Subject: Re: The ONLY way to get RAW, UNBRIDLED SPEED in an Amiga program >This Blazemonger game sounds really cool. Can nine people really play it >at once? BLAZEMONGER can indeed be played by nine people at once. Fortunately, this WIMPY LIMIT has been overcome in the soon-to-appear "BLAZEMONGER II: THE FINAL BEGINNING". This sequel allows FOUR HUNDRED simultaneous players, provided you have enough bathrooms. >Where can I get it? I haven't seen it advertised in any magazines! BLAZEMONGER is not advertised in any of your WORTHLESS magazines. Real gameplayers KNOW where to get it. >:) I didn't know the audio ports can be INPUTS! They are, if you feed back enough VOLTS into 'em!! The authors of BLAZEMONGER are the ULTIMATE PROGRAMMERS. They can get around ANY such trivial details. (In fact, they are now working on BLAZEMONGER hard-disk installation for people who do not own hard disks.) Dan Copyright 1990 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved. This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any publication without the written permission of the author. Date: 19 Feb 91 15:17:28 GMT From: barrett@jhunix.HCF.JHU.EDU (Dan Barrett) Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy Subject: Re: Blazemonger cheats Keywords: BLAZEMONGER is part of this complete breakfast In article <1991Feb18.173342.11160@zorch.SF-Bay.ORG> mike@zorch.SF-Bay.ORG (Mike Smithwick) writes: >A friend of mine got killed in BLAZEMONGER before he even TURNED ON his >machine. The next version will have an even MORE SOPHISTICATED algorithm; you don't even have to OWN an Amiga to lose the game!! BLAZEMONGER periodically checks your bank account. When it senses that you have enough money to BUY an Amiga, it projects a big, flashing "GAME OVER" message on your wall. >BTW, how do people get thru the copy-protection? I understand that you have >to send the author USD 5.00 each time you want to play, and he'll call up >your machine to enter the 32 digit keycode. This RUMOR is a VICIOUS LIE. It is a thirty-*three* digit code. Dan //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ | Dan Barrett, Department of Computer Science Johns Hopkins University | | INTERNET: barrett@cs.jhu.edu | | | COMPUSERVE: >internet:barrett@cs.jhu.edu | UUCP: barrett@jhunix.UUCP | \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////////////// Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved. This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any publication without the written permission of the author. Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy Subject: New BM (was Re: WHERE THE HELL ARETHE 2.0 ROMS FOR THE 2000 AND 500? Mars???) Keywords: BLAZEMONGER XIV coming soon! In article <11962@helios.TAMU.EDU> n368bq@tamuts.tamu.edu (Raoul Rodriguez) writes: >yea, where is the new copy of BLAZEMONGER anyway.... BLAZEMONGER III will be ready Real Soon Now. It features more graphics, more speed, more sound, more speed, and more SPEED than ever before. And did I mention MORE SPEED? The game is SO FAST that we weren't even able to *write* "BLAZEMONGER II" -- it leaped off the disk and into the upper atmosphere before we could catch it!! >my copy (version .0009) gurued after I completed the first level, .... Your Amiga either has a hardware problem, or you are doing something wrong. BLAZEMONGER has no bugs. I'll bet you are a pirate. >40 seconds of pure excitement, and >to top it all off, I can out with a POSITIVE score of 4!!!!!! I think >this is a new record, (call Guiness).... That is a TRIVIAL score. I have seen TRUE game players get scores of 5 or even 6 after ONLY a few hours of play. Dan //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ | Dan Barrett, Department of Computer Science Johns Hopkins University | | INTERNET: barrett@cs.jhu.edu | | | COMPUSERVE: >internet:barrett@cs.jhu.edu | UUCP: barrett@jhunix.UUCP | \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////////////// Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved. This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any publication without the written permission of the author. From: barrett@jhunix.HCF.JHU.EDU (Dan Barrett) Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy Subject: REAL inter-application communication [was Re: Clipboard etc] Date: 15 Jun 91 21:12:35 GMT I am so glad that everybody is so concerned about clipboard support these days. In fact, thanks to your many insightful, polite, and unbiased clipboard articles, one of your fellow USENETers has requested more clipboard support in BLAZEMONGER. You know, the usual stuff: cutting out levels from another game and importing them into BLAZEMONGER, pasting in pages from actual books, etc. This is an excellent idea. As I'm sure you know from previous postings, BLAZEMONGER is one of the most friendly, well-behaved, totally Intuition-ized programs in existence. Bang on the hardware? We wouldn't DREAM of it! After all, good behavior is more important than speed, right? [Pause.... Spittle begins to drip from the chin....] HAHAHA! If you believe THAT stuff, you've been living on the PLANET WIMPFACE for the last 2 years!! BLAZEMONGER goes RIGHT TO THE METAL for EVERYTHING, even during the CODING! Yes, we code DIRECTLY in BINARY for MAXIMUM SPEED. Assembly is just TOO SLOW, as you ALL know deep in your HEARTS. CLIPBOARD SUPPORT?!? What's the purpose of the Clipboard anyway? To transfer data from one application into another, right? Well, the next release of BLAZEMONGER will do even BETTER than THAT! And FASTER, of course!! Rather than letting you transfer your WIMPY data from another application, BLAZEMONGER comes complete with ALL OF YOUR DATA ALREADY IN IT! Yes, it's true. Thanks to our Microwave Modem Technology, we already have ALL OF YOUR COMPUTER FILES here on our four million billion gigabyte hard drive. And thanks to our latest data compression techniques, we have encoded ALL of this data on the BLAZEMONGER disk. If you need any of it, just ask BLAZEMONGER, and it is INSTANTLY inserted into your currently running game! "But," you say, "what about any *new* data I make after I've bought Blazemonger?" This is a legitimate question, so here's a very reasonable answer. FIRST of all, Mr. SMARTY-PANTS, the name of the game is BLAZEMONGER in ALL CAPITAL LETTERS, because you have to YELL when you say it. GET WITH IT, BUDDY!! And second, it's not an issue! You simply can't MAKE any new data after you buy BLAZEMONGER. Once loaded, it's IMPOSSIBLE to unload the game. In fact, you can't even TURN OFF YOUR COMPUTER because BLAZEMONGER taps directly into the LIVE VOLTAGES in the power supply and conveniently reroutes them to the power switch! This way, you are quickly reminded NEVER to turn off this game. We installed this feature after MANY of our customers requested it. (Well... actually, they requested hard drive installation, but we decided that this is more efficient.) I hope that answers any questions about BLAZEMONGER's Clipboard support. If you have any comments, just put them in a file on one of your disks. We'll read them eventually.... Dan //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ | Dan Barrett - Systems Administrator, Computer Science Department | | The Johns Hopkins University, 34th and Charles Sts., Baltimore, MD 21218 | | INTERNET: barrett@cs.jhu.edu | | | COMPUSERVE: >internet:barrett@cs.jhu.edu | UUCP: barrett@jhunix.UUCP | \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////////////// ps: Thanks to Ray Cromwell for asking us to tackle the Clipboard.... Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved. This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any publication without the written permission of the author. From: barrett@jhunix.HCF.JHU.EDU (Dan Barrett) Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.programmer Subject: Re: Source to OS (Was Re: Information on Amiga Technical Reference Seri) Date: 15 Jun 91 21:50:01 GMT In recent articles, people have asked Commodore to release the source code of the operating system. Since Commodore has decided not to do this, I thought it would get the ball rolling by releasing the source code to BLAZEMONGER. As you are well aware, BLAZEMONGER is the fastest program ever written. On the average, it is finished running just slightly before you reach for your joystick. (Don't worry... it's usually faster in practice.) We figured that the source code would prove instructive to young hardware-bangers eager for MAXIMUM SPEED, but still not sure how to get it. (Hint: you're doing it WRONG.) And next, who knows: perhaps other companies will release THEIR source code too! Then we can all laugh and see how STUPID it is compared to BLAZEMONGER's ultimate form. Aren't we worried about BLAZEMONGER clones being written now, as EVIL, WIMPY companies steal our source code and incorporate it into their own games? GET REAL!!! We fear NOTHING!! In fact, if anybody tries to use even ONE BYTE of BLAZEMONGER code in their programs, even modified beyond recognition, we will know. Trust us, we'll know. You don't want to do this. It will be very bad for your, uh, health. So much for the "legal-ese" portion of our posting. So, without further ado, here it is: the SOURCE CODE FOR BLAZEMONGER, THE FASTEST PROGRAM EVER WRITTEN!! It is in uuencoded format. Simply save it in a file and type "uudecode filename" to decode it. ------------8<----------------- cut here ----------------8<------------------ begin 644 BLAZEMONGER.X end ------------8<----------------- cut here ----------------8<------------------ Enjoy!! Dan //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ | Dan Barrett - Systems Administrator, Computer Science Department | | The Johns Hopkins University, 34th and Charles Sts., Baltimore, MD 21218 | | INTERNET: barrett@cs.jhu.edu | | | COMPUSERVE: >internet:barrett@cs.jhu.edu | UUCP: barrett@jhunix.UUCP | \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////////////// Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved. This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any publication without the written permission of the author. From: barrett@jhunix.HCF.JHU.EDU (Dan Barrett) Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy Subject: Re: CDTV News Date: 17 Jun 91 21:18:12 GMT In article <1991Jun16.130419.21035@ncsu.edu> kdarling@hobbes.catt.ncsu.edu (Kevin Darling) writes: >rjc@wookumz.gnu.ai.mit.edu (Ray Cromwell) writes: >> >>> >>>> [CDTV is great, CD-I is greater, CDTV is greater than greater, etc.] Sigh. CDTV?? CD-I?? These are BOTH very WIMPY ideas. If you want to see a REAL innovation, check out the LATEST in the series of similarly-named, 4-letter video products: Introducing... CBTV! Yes, CBTV! Now, you might think that the "CB" stands for "Citizen's Band", as in "CB radio". After all, it makes a lot of sense to integrate a television set with a CB. It would certainly find its way into 99% of people's homes. (Mainly because we'd sneak in at night and put it there.) But that's NOT what "CBTV" stands for!! The REAL words are (you knew this was coming, didn't you...): COMPACT BLAZEMONGER TERROR and VIOLENCE That's right! CBTV is the ULTIMATE ULTIMATE video game machine!! Hidden inside its miniscule frame (2" x 1" x 1"), CBTV contains SEVEN HUNDRED MILLION of the most HORRIFYING villains, creatures, aliens, mutants, mechanized death machines, monster trucks ("...are coming, coming, COMING!"), Atari salespeople, and other EVIL, SLIME-DRIPPING ARCANE FORCES. And all that stands between them and TOTAL WORLD CONQUEST is... YOU, and your trusty 0.25" joystick! You thought BLAZEMONGER was fast, eh?? Well, you ain't seen NOTHING yet! On the CBTV custom hardware, the images will RIP past your eyes so fast that you'll think that YOU are actually moving! In fact, you WILL be moving, thanks to CBTV's built-in ULTRA-POWERFUL magnet that will carry your body toward the nearest metal object at LIGHTNING SPEED! Bang on the hardware??? OF COURSE!! CBTV has not ten, not twenty, but FIFTY-SIX THOUSAND 128-BIT DMA HARDWARE REGISTERS ready to be POKED... and poked HARD!! SLAMMED, actually, right against the WALL! Pesky registers. They get what they deserve. So, as you can see, all those silly CVTD (or whatever they're called this week) devices are just no comparison. Junk 'em, that's what I say. Incidentally, if anybody is interested in becoming a CBTV developer, send e-mail to BLAZEMONGER@blazemonger.blazemonger.blazemonger.blazemonger. Include your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, number of speeding tickets received, number of speeding tickets OUTRUN, number of calluses on your joystick finger, and a brief history of any violent activity in yourself or close family members, Dan //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ | Dan Barrett, Department of Computer Science Johns Hopkins University | | INTERNET: barrett@cs.jhu.edu | | | COMPUSERVE: >internet:barrett@cs.jhu.edu | UUCP: barrett@jhunix.UUCP | \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////////////// Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved. This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any publication without the written permission of the author. From: barrett@jhunix.HCF.JHU.EDU (Dan Barrett) Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy Subject: The long-awaited History of BLAZEMONGER Keywords: Watch for BLAZEMONGER MLXXVII with 4-D sound Date: 19 Jun 91 07:57:00 GMT Various people have written me e-mail about BLAZEMONGER. So far, the comments look like this: PERCENT COMMENT 54.5% "Don't you have anything BETTER to do at 4:00 am?" 28.0% "Stop wasting bandwidth!" 16.8% "Where can I obtain, er, uh, BUY a copy?" 2.7% "Is your last name REALLY 'Barrett'?" 1.4% "Can't you add to 100% correctly?!?" 0.0003% "Could you tell us the history of BLAZEMONGER?" Well, due to overwhelming popular demand, here it is... the REAL, TRUE, FACTUAL, MAGNIFICENT HISTORY OF BLAZEMONGER. But first, some legalities: ** This REAL TRUE FACTUAL MAGNIFICENT HISTORY is ** ** CopyWright 1991 by Daniel J. BLAZEMONGER. ** ** All rites reserved. Void where permitted. ** Now before reading, please sign the following non-disclosure agreement. "I, __type__your__name__here__, agree that I will not disclose any information about the REAL TRUE FACTUAL MAGNIFICENT HISTORY of BLAZEMONGER unless I really want to." _________________ (fill in .sig) Now that THAT is all out of the way... time for the R.T.F.M. History!! Part I: BEFORE BLAZEMONGER Once, there was a TERRIBLE time in Amiga history. The games sucked. They were SLOW, STUPID, BORING, USELESS, and NOT AT ALL FUN. Totally WIMPY games like "Shadow of the Cheese" dominated the market. These games were written by INEPT PROGRAMMERS who didn't know the difference between a HARDWARE REGISTER and an EXPONENTIAL ALGORITHM. They couldn't tell an OUTPUT from a SHOT PUT. The most COMMON PROGRAM these people ran was a GURU MEDITATION. Believe me, it was PATHETIC. Well, about this time, a group of three Florida doctors had a spare USD 7 million to invest, so they decided to build the ultimate game computer. They... uh... wait a minute. Wrong history. So, about THIS time, a group of ULTIMATE PROGRAMMERS decided that ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH. It was time to write the GAME TO END ALL GAMES. (Literally! In fact, the original plans called for the game to seek out and DESTROY any WIMPY games owned by the user! But for better or worse, this was dropped from the specification when we realized that, to have the best game, you also have to have other games around that are WORSE.) And so, our BRILLIANT PLANNERS and AMAZING CODERS started work on the program. It was a well-kept SECRET. NOBODY was allowed to refer to it by its actual name, so they used CODE NAMES. These names were SO SECRET and SO WELL ENCRYPTED that nobody, not even the people involved, could crack them. So they just tossed out the code names and used the real one. But what was the real name? What should the ULTIMATE GAME be called? Well, the original name chosen was, believe it or not, "Wonk", which is the sound of the user "wonking" a monster on the head. But this name was soon scrapped because it sounded too similar to "Turrican", a VERY WIMPY game. Next, the designers tried the name "Kill Kill Kill" which pleased most everyone, but it STILL sounded too much like "Turrican". But this name was one step closer to a good one, because it had almost enough VIOLENCE in it. Finally, in a sudden BURST OF BRILLIANCE, ALL of the people involved SUDDENLY thought of the SAME NAME SIMULTANEOUSLY! It was a MAGICAL experience! Everybody was STUNNED! Yes!! The game was going to be called... called... "Little Princess Petunia and her Cute, Fluffy Doggie"!! How they CHEERED the decision!! Everybody felt GREAT. Then somebody noticed that the building's air vents were all shut, and truck exhaust fumes had been filtering into the building for the past 2 hours. So everybody went outside, took a few deep breaths, and decided on "BLAZEMONGER." BLAZEMONGER: a name that would strike TERROR into the hearts and text editors of those INCOMPETENT WANNA-BE BASIC PROGRAMMERS at Psychosis, Innerprune, Bitmap Buffoons, Electronic Artichokes, Seagate, and other TOY MANUFACTURERS. Yes, BLAZEMONGER: who could change the course of mighty GAME SALES... bend RKM RULES in its BARE HANDS... and who, disguised as... uh... never mind. Part II: B.M. Hits The Beta-Testers After a careful selection process, 6 BRAVE beta-testers were chosen to try out the game. We watched carefully, from behind our concrete bunker, to see what would happen. Up to this point, nobody had actually tried to play the game. The first beta-tester picked up the BLAZEMONGER game disk and prepared to insert it into the computer. We were all VERY pleased when, as his hand was approaching the drive, the words "GAME OVER" began flashing on the monitor. It was a success!! BLAZEMONGER was the FASTEST GAME EVER WRITTEN. (We sent the rest of the beta-testers home. Dweebs.) Part III: Disaster In The Stores The first shipment of BLAZEMONGER packages was sent to the stores. It was shaped like a PLASTIC EXPLOSIVE wrapped around a LIT STICK of DYNAMITE. This naturally frightened some of the MEEK and WIMPY store owners. But we had expected that this might happen, so we did the appropriate thing: we sent a few of our "support people" to each store, and they beat the hell out of the store owners with blunt instruments. BLAZEMONGER sales improved rapidly. But it wasn't enough. Weedy little jerkoff kids started PIRATING the game. In our first release, you see, we had decided not to use any form of disk-based copy protection. This was not a problem, however, as one of our programmers had lovingly coated the original disks with BUBONIC PLAGUE VIRUS, which was passed on to the illegal copies. However, the original PACKAGING was coated with Bubonic Plague ANTIDOTE. You get the picture? Anyway, that took care of the piracy problem rather quickly. Finally, BLAZEMONGER sales were hurt by a nasty rumor that started floating around on BBS's and USENET. Somebody claimed that, after you turned off your computer, BLAZEMONGER would hide in the battery-backed RAM of the internal clock. This was a VICIOUS LIE!! BLAZEMONGER doesn't NEED any WIMPY batteries!!! If it wanted to, it could hide in your MOUSE!! Or even in the GRIMY DIRT on your RETURN KEY!!! God, don't you ever WASH that thing?!? Makes me sick. Part IV. BLAZEMONGER TRIUMPHANT Nowadays, absolutely EVERYBODY admits that BLAZEMONGER is the ULTIMATE GAME that plays FASTER THAN ANYTHING ELSE. Even though the original game had NO BUGS, we decided to add LOTS OF FEATURES (the feature not to blow up the monitor, the feature not to electrocute the user, etc.), resulting in BLAZEMONGER III, BLAZEMONGER IV, and so on. (There was no BLAZEMONGER II, as it was so BLINDINGLY FAST that it LEAPED out of the computer and up into the STRATOSPHERE before we could play it.) So there you have it: the REAL TRUE FACTUAL MAGNIFICENT HISTORY of BLAZEMONGER... straight from the SOURCE. If you have any questions, we can send some of our "support people" around to straighten you out. Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved. This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any publication without the written permission of the author. Date: 12 Sep 91 02:33:38 GMT Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy From: barrett@cs.umass.edu (Dan Barrett) Subject: Latest BM innovations (was: Valium Hardware Comparisons) Summary: BLAZEMONGER in '92 Keywords: Asmodeus, prongs In various and sundry articles, several gazillion people write: >[OS/2 is God, OS/2 bites, OS/2 is, OS/2 isn't, OS/2 late, etc...] First, I'd like to thank everyone folks for a beautifully reasoned, polite, and fact-filled foray into the world of OS/2. I know I certainly learned a lot. Like how to spell it. Anyway, I am writing with some GOOD NEWS!! Thanks to you, we folks at BLAZEMONGER INC. have decided to port BLAZEMONGER to the OS/2 platform! Yes! This should satisfy all you folks who were planning on upgrading your Amigas to run this fine operating system, but didn't want to lose your GOD-GIVEN RIGHT to BLAST SLIME-BREATHING ALIENS into TINY PIECES OF LUNCH MEAT!! And I don't blame you. But the good news doesn't stop there! Not only are we *porting* BLAZEMONGER... we are actually INTEGRATING BLAZEMONGER with OS/2, to form a NEW, more POWERFUL, and [yes!] more VIOLENT operating system!!! Introducing... B S / 2 Yes, BLAZEMONGER SYSTEM/2 is the FASTEST OPERATING SYSTEM in the KNOWN UNIVERSE!! NOTHING will be able to compete with it!! UNIX, VMS, DOS, Mac OS, Emacs... *all* of these operating systems will SHRIVEL AND DIE in the wake of the MIGHTY BS/2. Get a load of these AWESOME features: o TRUE MULTITASKING! Hundreds or even THOUSANDS of processes all running simultaneously in a BATTLE TO THE DEATH!! o Over 500,000 LEVELS of FILESYSTEM for you to explore!! o Total MEMORY PROTECTION! Any program that attempts to fiddle with another program's memory is BLASTED INTO A MILLION PIECES!! o RESOURCE TRACKING! Thanks to an innovative AUTO-MAPPING facility, you will know EXACTLY where each resource is HIDING!! o An unbelievable, multi-dimensional GUI!! Windows with cracked glass, dripping blood, and UGLY HAGS peering out at you! A mouse pointer shaped like a LASER DEATH RAY! Magic SCROLL BARS covered with RUNES! And every file has TEN ICONS... but nine of them are DEADLY TRAPS!! o Background daemons that are *REALLY* DAEMONS!! When a file is sent to the printer, Yeenoghu Himself will hand you the hardcopy! o Multi-threaded processes, constructed from the very webs of GIANT BLACK WIDOW SPIDERS!! ** PLUS: a unique PROGRAMMER'S INTERFACE... with *TWO* fire buttons!! Yes, it's BS/2! Coming soon to finer retailers all over the MATERIAL PLANE! Hurry and get your copy before IT gets YOU!! Dan //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ | Dan Barrett -- Grad student, Department of Computer & Information Science | | University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA 01003 -- barrett@cs.umass.edu | \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////////////// ps: I probably should respond to a few questions about BLAZEMONGER that I have been receiving by e-mail. It would appear we have a few newcomers on the Net. (?) "What is BLAZEMONGER?" BLAZEMONGER is the FASTEST GAME EVER WRITTEN!! It was coded for MAXIMUM SPEED by DIRECTLY rearranging the magnetic particles on the disk -- no WIMPY programming languages for US!! The game WHIZZES past your scorched eyeballs even before you can TEAR OFF THE SHRINK-WRAP!!! (?) "Where can I get it?" REAL game-players KNOW where to get it. (?) "Gosh, the above sounds suspiciously like a commercial. I suppose you were involved in the creation and/or marketing of the thing? If so, then the message is inappropriate for Usenet, unless of course you'd like to pay us all for distributing it for you." [YES! This is an ACTUAL QUOTE!!] THANK YOU for your insightful remarks. We will try to work your suggestion into a future version of the game. [Snort!] Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved. This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any publication without the written permission of the author. Date: 25 Sep 91 03:05:16 GMT From: barrett@panther.cs.umass.edu (Daniel Barrett) Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy Subject: Re: Blazemonger upgrade Summary: It's spelled "BLAZEMONGER", Heathen Swine! >In article <1991Sep23.013207.25989@muddcs.claremont.edu> nradov@jarthur.claremont.edu (Slippery Jim) writes: >>...score of 9, I realized something had to be done, so... I missed the original article, so I don't know what "nradov" was complaining about here.... However, judging from the small quote above, it sounds like you are not satisfied with some aspect of BLAZEMONGER (note -- all capitals). I advise you to call our Customer Service Department. The toll-free phone number is located on game level 1,984,237,875,338,914,750, just behind the Crazed Mutant Waterbuffalo. If any of you are ever the least bit dissatisfied with BLAZEMONGER, our Customer Service Department is ready to help. They are trained, polite, and helpful. They wouldn't DREAM of being insulting. No sir. They LOVE to help IGNORANT WIMPS who don't know how to play a REAL computer game. No problem is too small -- even TOTALLY STUPID problems that ANYBODY with JELLO FOR BRAINS could SOLVE EFFORTLESSLY. Yes, even if you are a LAZY, DROOLING SCUMFACE who CAN'T EVEN PICK HIS OWN NOSE WITHOUT SPECIAL ASSISTANCE, we will be more than happy to SET YOU STRAIGHT!! >>...I uncompiled the original code and added a new segment that directly >>accesses the Amiga's speach... Well, we strongly advise against disassembling BLAZEMONGER. The code has a special safety feature built in: if you disassemble and then reassemble it, the result comes out BACKWARDS. Yes, you wind up with a copy of "REGNOMEZALB", the SLOWEST game ever written!! It is SO AMAZINGLY SLOW that your Amiga will dry up into DUST and CRUMBLE AWAY *long* before the game starts!! It takes over 104 years just to TURN ON the DRIVE LIGHT!! And don't even ASK about the introductory animation. Just imagine a DEAD SLUG in an OCEAN OF FROZEN MOLASSES and you will BEGIN to get the idea. Needless to say, this will VOID YOUR WARRANTY, and our infamous Customer Service Department will have to come to your house with blunt instruments (to be "helpful"). If you truly have nothing better to do with your time, we can send you a copy of REGNOMEZALB to play. Dan //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ | Dan Barrett -- Grad student, Department of Computer & Information Science | | University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA 01003 -- barrett@cs.umass.edu | \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////////////// Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved. This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any publication without the written permission of the author. From: barrett@cs.umass.edu (Dan Barrett) Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy Subject: SUMMARY of BLAZEMONGER suggestions (long) Date: 28 Oct 91 16:18:42 GMT A few weeks ago, I asked the kind, gentle, and overall wonderful readers of this fine newsgroup to send me suggestions for new features for the next version of BLAZEMONGER. Thank you to everyone who replied!! Thanks to your suggestions, the next version of BLAZEMONGER will be bigger, better, and MORE VIOLENT than EVER!!! Here is a summary of the suggestions, together with my comments (heh heh). In addition, the BEST BLAZEMONGER SUGGESTION WINNER is at the end of this article!! Yes, you have to read the whole darn thing, you WHINER. Our first suggestion comes from Kevin "Mr. Virtual" Whyte (stx@vax1.mankato.msus.edu), who asks: >Well how about Virtual Reality? I saw a segment on VR that had a >lame shoot your opponent with a pistol before yyou get carried off >by a teridactyl(reptilian bird). That sounds like a very good idea! Unfortunately, BLAZEMONGER doesn't NEED any WIMPY VIRTUAL REALITY!! BLAZEMONGER gives you *REAL* REALITY!! YEAH!!! When you shoot a monster with your DEATH RAY LASER CANNON, an ACTUAL ALIEN CREATURE is BLOWN TO BITS on some DISTANT, PEACEFUL PLANET!! Hah! That will teach those aliens not to be so damn peaceful. BTW, what's a "lame"??? Keeping with the theme of virtual and real reality, we have Gregory R. Block (gblock@csd4.csd.uwm.edu) who suggests: >With a simple attachment (pneumatic drill and jackhammer not >supplied), the system can be directly attached to the brain, >allowing .0045 milliseconds of awesome experience! You won't just >see or play the game, you'll be in it!!! Feel the searing heat of >a plasma laser ripping through your body! Jump through acid walls, >and watch the flesh drop from your yellowed, brittle bones! This >attachment makes this game COMPLETELY UNSEPARABLE FROM REALITY! As >a matter of fact, it seeks out and destroys reality, replacing it >with itself! I *LIKE* that!! Especially the part about the drill and jackhammer. It might be FUN to do surgery on our clients. Our next suggestion comes from David "Aw Ma!!" Navas (navas@cory.berkeley.EDU), who drawls: >Well, shee--ught son, I got puhlenty of them there [idea] thingies >just floatin' in the all encompahssing ay-buhndance. >Them thar alien things 'r gettin' mighty tired, Mah here suggests >you ree-place them with Cmdre middle-management, marketroids, >salespeople, and Unix personnal. H*ll son, if Irving Gould can do >it, so can we. Juhst kick the ole disk ruight into that there ole >chunk-chunk drive and fire away.... Teee-erminated, ye-ole' >buzzard breath. Believe it or not, BLAZEMONGER already has this feature! Take a VERY close look at the hoard of slimy, radioactive, tentacled BARF-BREATHERS that attacks you on level 22,054,239. Don't they look slightly... well... PENNSYLVANIAN?? And one of them is wearing a "VISIT SCENIC WEST CHESTER" T-shirt!! But David's family isn't through with suggestions yet: >Mah son here has a few words that he would lihke to expose. > >Espouse, dad -- oh nevermind, you went and got the whole thing >wrong. Dan, see I was just noticing all these suspiciously similar >names -- OS/2, Windows 3.0, Release 2.0, System 7.0, MS-DOS 5.0. >Do you think it's a communist plot? Or is it just a new product >you're developing -- BLAZENAMER or something like that? "You too >can have a fancy sounding package name, including your very own >period." (You'll notice a bug with OS/2 -- apparently a >programming error led to a finger slip from the period to the slash >key. We all know that it was originally planned as OS.2) > >Mom you want to say anything, ma? Ma, put down the gun, now.... > >Mah, jihst rehlahx, you're havin' a little rehlahpse, don' panick... >----- >"Evil, sinful, devil devil -- HATE HATE HATE!!! AAAUGUAUGH Git >back the lot of you and I'll blow it away. It'll eat you alihve, >it's hateful, burning, radiation, poison, searing through your >head, burning your nostrils into charred remains of black seared >carbon, ripping your brain to little tiny..." > >Mah, no Mah, this ain't a TV, ok? > >"Huh, what what what?" > >This ain't a TV, it's a computer, can you say computer, Mom? >----- >Weauhll, me and the boy, we'll take care of her, dohn' you worry >about it. I guess you won't be able to top the hypnotic >mind-numbing effects of TV. Guess they got the ultimate already... Well now, THAT was exciting, wasn't it?!? I think I got an idea for a whole new BLAZEMONGER level from that little interchange. :-) Next, we have "Norman St. John Polevaulter" (MBS110@PSUVM.PSU.EDU), who, for the last few years, has been... uh... wait a minute. Wrong sketch. Hmm... I think I'll have to check through our "Registered Users" database to see if this name actually is in there.... :-) >I want to see hard disk installation in the next version of >BLAZEMONGER. Like, you can install your hard disk into a '67 >Chevy, or something. > >Also it should run properly on A3000's. (I booted up my copy of >BLAZEMONGER III and it flashed "GAME OVER" on the screen like >usual... then my computer EXPLODED! The fire destroyed my room and >I was in the hospital for weeks! Is this a bug?) Plus I think you >should get rid of the "look up the series of digits in the decimal >expansion of pi" protection. Not that the decimal expansion of pi >isn't fascinating reading material in and of itself, but two hours >for copy protection is a bit excessive, isn't it? > >And while you're at it can you port it to the VIC 20 and SuperPET? >Thanks. Oh yeah, one more thing -- last time I called the Customer >Service Department to complain about the way BLAZEMONGER doesn't >multitask, they didn't give me any satisfaction (although they did >send two guys named Luigi and Vito around to break my legs.) Can >you look into this? Sorry, but Luigi and Vito were acting correctly in this case. If you look in your BLAZEMONGER manual, Chapter 238 ("Legalities"), it clearly states that BLAZEMONGER INC. is permitted and even ENCOURAGED to break your legs if it so desires. Just be glad that our licensing agreement isn't as strict as the one for AMIGA UNIX! Can you imagine the TRAGEDY if BLAZEMONGER didn't let you play with more than 2 users?!? We received a porting suggestion from Todd "Mac Weenie" Green (tagreen@bronze.ucs.indiana.edu) who requests: >As you may well know, the Mac game arena is in dire need for a good >game, I think the next version should be ported to the Mac. Of >course I want it to emulate all the Amiga custom chips in software, >without lossing _any_ of it's speed. I want it to FLY!!! To prove >once and for all that the Amiga rules, and it's programmers are the >only true programmers. Of course I want this done yesterday. Todd, I think that Macintosh of yours has INFESTED YOUR BRAIN. Your ONLY HOPE OF SALVATION is to seek out David Navas's "Mah" [see above] and PRAY FOR FORGIVENESS. And speaking of porting BLAZEMONGER, Brent SomethingOrOther (abdwinig@idbsu.idbsu.edu) is sick and tired of the whole issue: >OK Dan, enough of this talk about porting BLAZEMONGER to other >platforms from the Amiga. If the programmers were really good, >they could turn the other platforms into an Amiga! This would be >really nice for Joe consumer since he wouldn't have to scrap his >almost worthless 50Mz 486 & buy an Amiga to play BLAZEMONGER & use >all the other neat Amiga software out there on the market. Now >we're not talking emulation here. I mean, Joe consumer could kiss >that MS-stuff out the window & do some real computing then! Next, Harold H. Ipolyi (ipolyi@sweetpea.jsc.nasa.gov) gave us some keen insight into the Middle-Eastern computer game market, with the humble suggestion to >BLAST SADDAM, of course! Daniel Ortmann (ortmann@plains.nodak.edu) went so far as to give us a complete commercial for a BLAZEMONGER-equipped AMIGA: >Imagine a commercial where a boy is stolling down a grayish street, >from a grayish school, in grayish drab clothes. He is blowing gray >bubble gum. He enters his gray home plugs in his BORING gray >Nintendo and is slouched back in his seat while playing a "Marios >Bros." (The machine has been hacked to half the usually slow >speed.) >[...] >In his boredom he looks out the window to see the kid from across >the street whizzing toward home on bright neon colored >in-line-skates. [The cool kid boots his computer and] starts up a >fighter-plane simulation. ...we see the cool kid rocket through >the skylight of his home in his ejection seat! The boring kid is >startled awake (with mario bros going still on in the background). >He looks out the window to see the cool kid parachuting to earth! >The gaping hole in the house's skylight is clearly evident. >...cool kids mom yells "You forgot to open the skylight again, >didn't you!?" Personally, Daniel (great name, BTW), I don't think this commercial will fly. [Har har har.] After all, who in their RIGHT MIND can get excited about a WIMPY FLIGHT SIMULATOR... EVEN one that ejects your body through the ROOF at HIGH VELOCITY. BLAZEMONGER is the only REAL game for the AMIGA!! In fact, I'll bet that Ethan Solomita would accuse this commercial of using SUBLIMINAL ADVERTISING to convince WIMPY NINTENDO OWNERS that their machines are GREY, and that Commodore prices are going to go THROUGH THE ROOF. But what do I know. Our next suggestion comes from Rick "I Want To Eat Burnt, Dead Bodies" Blewitt (rblewitt@sdcc6.ucsd.edu) who says, in no uncertain terms, that he craves: >More VIOLENCE, I mean at least 1 out of every 10 frames of the >original BLAZEMONGER did not have detailed pictures of some >character getting horribly mutilated in some unspeakable way. I >mean I want to see BLOOD and lots of it, I want to see it on the >screen, on the keyboard, spurting from the mouse, and being sent >through my modem and into the phones of all my friends and while >we're at it to PETA HQ as well!! Yes, I want it SO VIOLENT that >I have to fill out POLICE REPORTS after every game!!!! OK, Rick, you asked for it! The next version of BLAZEMONGER will come with a HOSE ATTACHMENT that you connect from YOUR LEG to the computer! Every time a character is injured, your blood and bone marrow will be SUCKED VIOLENTLY up through the hose and out through the DISK DRIVE, RIGHT INTO YOUR FACE!! WHAT MORE COULD YOU ASK FOR?!?!?!?!?!? HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! Roger Uzun (uzun@pnet01.cts.com) takes a different approach. Everybody knows that BLAZEMONGER doesn't multitask and forces you to boot on its INDESTRUCTABLE original game disk. But it bothers Roger that some people with more powerful Amigas can even TRY to run the game! >My suggestion is that the next step is to have BLAZEMONGER convert >any system it is booted on into the equivalent of a single floppy, >512k Amiga 500 from that point on, and prohibit all multitasking >from that point on. In other words, even if the owner of the >'perverted' Amiga machine reboots, or powers off then on again, his >machine will be effectively reduced to a single floppy 512k A500 >for the rest of its days, and will not allow any form of >multitasking. > >That will teach them who the 'power users' really are! Good idea, Roger! Would you like to volunteer to be a BETA TESTER for this new feature? You supply the machine.... Ives Aerts (gutest8%blekul11.bitnet@cunyvm.cuny.edu) wants more multi-player options: >How about adding some fantastic NULL-modem option so we can all >blazemonge together ? Off course that would have to be an >EVEN-LESS-THAN-NULL-modem since the game is going so fast that >you don't really need all those cables ... You know, Ives, I *really* like the way you made "BLAZEMONGER" into a verb! "To blazemonge"... yeah, I like it I like it!! I'll contact Webster's Dictionary immediately! Finally, we have 2 users who suggested ENTIRELY NEW PRODUCTS for the BLAZEMONGER line. First, K. C. Lee (leek@qucdn.queensu.ca) writes: >I haven't have the chance to play around with the latest >BLAZEMONGER, but this is what a have in mind. Introducing the >ultimate ultra greatest tech breakthrough .... M I N D M O N G E R >(simply awersome) > >Have you ever got too much time on your hands or that you can't >affort or smart enough to use computer brand A ? Do you find >spending days and nights writing flame articles on >comp.sys.computer_a interfere with your social life. You NEED >MINDMONGER. We here at BLAZEMONGER, INCORPORATED have finally make >the technological breakthrough that allows you to play MINDMONGER >in your mind WITHOUT the use of a computer. MINDMONGER runs in >your brain so you can play it wherever you go. It is so amazingly >smart that it would play the game by itself even when you are >asleep or out of your mind. Call now to get your copy of >MINDMONGER !! and then Per Bojsen (bojsen@moria.uucp) writes: >This is not exactly an idea for the new version of Blazemonger... >oops, BLAZEMONGER, but rather an idea for a new product in the >*MONGER series: > > H Y P E M O N G E R > >This product is similar to PHRASEMONGER in that you give it a few >keywords such as the name of your product, and then press a button >to generate a highly hyped description of the product. A special >mode of HYPEMONGER is where you feed it the hype of your >competition (perhaps combined with PHRASEMONGER?) in order to >generate hype that renders the competition's products completely >ridiculous (at best). > >Wanna try HYPEMONGER on BLAZEMONGER? :-) > >A point of warning: Don't try to feed HYPEMONGER output back into >HYPEMONGER . . . Thanks, folks!! We'll try to get MINDMONGER and HYPEMONGER into the stores as soon as possible!! *********** And now... the BEST BLAZEMONGER SUGGESTION WINNER!! Congratulations and a BIG, WET KISS ON THE LIPS OF A SLIMY BARF-BREATHER go to "Name Unknown" (motcid!green!tereszcz@uunet.UU.NET) who suggests: >Dan, how about the next version of BLAZEMONGER will do what >you thought you told it to do instead what you told it. Also >if you play it at work, it will at random either improve your >job performance review, degrade it, degrade your boss's review, >or permanently brain damage your offspring or give you a severe case >of constipation. While dwelling on features how about it making all >users take a brain transplant from amorous mink. Well, there you have it!! Thanks again for all the wonderful suggestions! BLAZEMONGER MMMDDCCLXVII will definitely incorporate many or all of them. And just to show our gratitude, all of you will be sent a FREE COPY of the new version once it becomes available. Be sure to try out Roger Uzun's feature right away!! Dan //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ | Dan Barrett -- Grad student, Department of Computer & Information Science | | University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA 01003 -- barrett@cs.umass.edu | \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////////////// $